Mark Reads ‘Hogfather’: Part 6

In the sixth part of Hogfather, Ridcully gets a bathroom; Death does his job; and Hex… I don’t get the Hex thing. Intrigued? Then it’s time for Mark to read Discworld

The Bathroom

You ever see that photoset go around Tumblr about rich people showers? I have secretly been in that fandom this entire time. I HAVE A THING ABOUT REALLY NICE SHOWERS, AND I CANNOT EXPLAIN WHERE IT CAME FROM. Honestly! But the weirder they are, the more I’m super into them. A couple of years ago, my partner at the time booked us on a mini-vacation to Vegas for a few days, and one of the reasons for that was so that we could go to one of the ridiculous spas there. Now, I haven’t ever been interested in this whole aspect of Vegas in my life, and to be honest, I only vaguely knew it existed. I have body image issues, so aside from some necessary massages I got on the AIDS Lifecycle ride I used to do, I just don’t fuck with spas. At all.

AT LEAST I USED TO BE THIS WAY. Oh my god, I went to a spa in the Venetian (I think???) where they had this whole shower section that allowed you to experience “rain” from other countries. It is absolutely the most absurd idea, but I don’t care. And much like Ridcully’s new shower, there were a ton of buttons that you could press for a different experience. Some where like, “Amazon Rainforest” or “Tropical Monsoon” or some bogus bullshit, and they changed temperature and frequency and intensity and I want to live in them. There was even a polar room where you could experience water the temperature of a Norwegian fjord? Which also sounds fake as hell, but you better believe I went in there after I spent time in a sauna.

All of this is to say that: I deeply understand your love of showers, Mustrum Ridcully. I literally cannot make fun of you because I’d be making fun of myself.

There is a reason for the shower scene, though. (I love that I get to type that.) I haven’t quite figured out the logistics of it, but Ridcully discovers a gnome trying to sneak out of his new bathroom. It’s the same gnome from earlier, correct? Or perhaps it is a new one. Regardless, I still think that the room was locked up to prevent something from getting out, and whatever that “something” is, it goes glingleglingleglingle all the time. So why a Verruca Gnome? Why was one created so suddenly? That would mean that someone, somewhere, just started to believe that Verruca Gnomes were actually real. How does that happen?

Death at the Maul

I cannot get enough of this scene. I SIMPLY CANNOT. The best thing is… well, how do I choose??? Death deciding to land his sleight direction on top of Mr. Crumley’s creation, thereby creating a disaster right from the start is great. So is one of the pigs pissing everywhere, and this line KILLED ME:

“Look, it’s going all the way to the stairs! All those who can’t swim hold onto the bannisters!”

Which reminded me of a small child at the pool at the hotel I was at for GeekyCon this year. My friend Hannah and I were walking into it, taking the steps delicately because there were kids crowded around the entrance. Then this little blonde girl – she couldn’t have been older than 7 – looks up at us, then turns to all her friends and waves her arm dramatically to the side. “Make way!” she announced. “Parents coming through!”

We got dragged by a goddamn child.

The children here are golden, and Pratchett uses them to add chaos to an already chaotic situation. The young girl who sits on Death’s lap and asks for the best assortment of gifts might be my favorite. Or it could be the moment where Death grants her a model castle, a toy army, AND A REAL SWORD THAT IS PROBABLY LONGER THAN SHE IS TALL.

“You can’t give her that!” she screamed. “It’s not safe!”


“She’s a child!” shouted Crumley.


“What if she cuts herself?”


Okay, that might be the best part. I CAN’T DECIDE.


Nothing new in this admission: I’m still bored by the characterization of the Bursar. It’s just tiring at this point. But I’m guessing that Hex is important to this story. How? It’s a guess, y’all, I don’t know!!! But if you can outright communicate with Hex through talking, that’s got to be a significant development. Maybe Hex can figure out how the Verruca gnome came to be!!! IT’S A THEORY.

Mark Links Stuff

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About Mark Oshiro

Perpetually unprepared since '09.
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