Mark Reads ‘Witches Abroad’: Part 6

In the sixth part of Witches Abroad, this is a goddamn spectacle. Intrigued? Then it’s time for Mark to read Discworld.

Trigger Warning: For brief section on sexual predators/voyeurs, consent.

So, I feel more comfortable stating that Pratchett is skewering the absurd ways in which these witches interact with people abroad. I say that because through some beautiful cosmic coincidence, I’m reading this book while spending a month abroad myself. I’ve never spent so much time away from the U.S., and I have honestly witnessed EVERY behavior described in this chapter, and I’ve participated in a number of them, too. YOU HAVE NO IDEA HOW MANY TIMES SOMEONE HAS SAID SOMETHING TO ME IN ANOTHER LANGUAGE AND I REPLIED IN SPANISH. MARK, WHAT ARE YOU DOING?

I think I really needed this experience in order to fully understand the jokes, so bless whatever Discworld god orchestrated this. I feel like there’s also a British sensibility to this because the only people I’ve heard complaining about the heat in Europe regularly are all Brits. Which isn’t to suggest that they shouldn’t complain; I understand that they don’t get heatwaves like central Germany does or like the ones I’ve lived through in Southern California. But Granny’s statement about the heat reminded me of this:

It wasn’t that she didn’t like autumn, it was a season she always looked forward to, but at her time of life it was nice to know that it was happening hundreds of miles away while she wasn’t there.

Inevitably, when you travel outside of your home, you’re going to experience something that’s utterly unreal and confusing to you. The entire bull running sequence, which I found particularly satisfying to read, reminded me specifically of something I saw in Copenhagen. My travel companion and I arrived in town around 3pm and managed to get a couple hours free to wander about the city, exploring. At that point, we’d pretty much lost our shit in Stockholm the previous day, and we were getting an idea of just how much history we’d be experiencing on this trip. (It’s also very surreal to write about this because it seems like it was ages ago.) The streets of Copenhagen are beautiful in a way that’s hard to describe as an American. Truthfully, we have almost nothing in our country that can compare to most European cities. Granted, I know why that is, but it still doesn’t detract from the experience.

We sat down at a small cafe just steps away from the fountain in the center of Copenhagen, a fountain that plays a specific role in a rite of passage we’d soon witness. I had been urged by folks in Stockholm to find a place that sold smørrebrød, so we chose a quiet shop that had outdoor seating. The people running the place were ecstatic to serve us once they found out we’d never had the open-faced sandwich, so we sat beneath an overcast sky on a warm day, watching tourists go by and marveling at the view.

That’s when the trucks started to show up. They all had flat beds with high gates on them, posters and canvases hung on the sides. Students would pour out of them, bad hip-hop and pop blasting from speakers onboard, blowing whistles or horns, shouting at passersby, and then they’d run to the fountain and jump in. Some stayed fully clothed, others stripped down to their underwear. I figured they were university students celebrating something; we’d been told that that specific day was some sort of holiday. It was only through some dedicated Googling that I figured out that all of these kids had graduated HIGH SCHOOL. It’s a local rite exercised each year! And there we were, sitting at tables outside a cafe, as hundreds of recently-graduated students poured past us, all to celebrate their accomplishments with a dip in a chilly fountain.

It was an incredible thing to witness.

Unfortunately, I’ve also seen some of the negative. While no absinthe was mistakenly drank by any part on this trip (and I avoided salty licorice in Norway, THANK THE GODS), I did watch a couple people get ripped off in Paris and I confronted a creepy photographer in Brussels. I’m a paranoid traveler by default, the kind who will book a hostel room to myself to avoid the risk of leaving my bags unattended, even if they’re locked up. I don’t stray from my possessions, and if someone walks up to me to say anything, I just start repeating NO NO NO NO NO and walk even faster in the direction I’m going. I expect the worst to happen, and yet I was still shocked to watch a guy try to help me with a Paris Metro ticket, get angrily refused, and then scam a woman out of 50 Euros in the span of TEN SECONDS. Like, as it was happening, my brain barely got to, “Did he just take her cash?” before he was already twenty feet away. (She caught him and got her money.) We saw the aftermath of someone getting a sweater taken from them. We watched in glee as a Sengalese man chased the guy down (who didn’t have a shirt on???? why?????) and retrieved the woman’s sweater.

And then in Brussels, I realized a man was photographing the legs of some of my friends and fans right when I also realized he was FLASHING THEM HIS GENITALS. Initially, I thought it was directed at me, so I freaked out and tried to hide, but it became clear what he was doing, and so, minutes later, I walked up to him and told him to stop, yelling NO at him like he was a misbehaving puppy, and he scurried off, embarrassed. And while these are not unique occurrences, there was an aspect to them that was certainly an exploitation of tourists. All of the victims in these examples were unsuspecting, distracted by the grandeur of being in foreign parts, unaware that someone was taking advantage of them.

Why am I sharing this with you? Because seeing Granny get sweet, sweet revenge on these motherfuckers was IMMENSELY REWARDING AS A READER. It’s a hilarious scene, first of all, and I didn’t need the personal aspect to enjoy it. But after watching people get exploited in Europe, I found a particular satisfaction in a sequence where Granny used these assholes’ strengths against them. IT IS BEAUTIFUL.

But I don’t want to focus on the card game itself; I don’t feel any need to analyze that joke to death, and I think it stands on its own as a wonderful bit of humor. I found myself even more drawn to the conversation between Magrat and Nanny concerning Granny’s magical abilities, her ego, and her friendliness. It’s not been a secret up to this point that Granny is an abrasive person; Pratchett has written her to be witty, cruel, and vicious on top of her natural charm. I don’t think the conclusions that Nanny makes here are all that surprising, you know? Magrat brings up an important point regarding Granny’s behavior:

“Well, I’m fed up!” said Magrat. “At least I’m making an effort to learn things! I don’t go around just bullying people and acting bad-tempered all the time!”

I was surprised to see this openly addressed in the text, especially no one had ever said the obvious. The subsequent conversation was fascinating to me because Nanny was so willing to agree that Granny Weatherwax is a nasty person, but she’s one who does do good in the world:

“She always said you can’t help people with magic, but you can help them with skin. By doin’ real things, she meant.”

And it has always seemed a bit strange that a witch so powerful has used her magic so sparingly. If what Nanny says is true, then Granny is a whole lot more powerful than I thought, which is precisely why she uses it so rarely. What does she rely on instead?

Good ol’ human decency. Yes, she’s mean and bad tempered and rude, but that doesn’t mean she’s incapable of goodness, either.

The original text contains use of the words “madness” and “cripple.”

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=P8PxUJ-xe1Y

Mark Links Stuff

– I am now on Patreon!!! MANY SURPRISES ARE IN STORE FOR YOU IF YOU SUPPORT ME.
– The Mark Does Stuff Tour 2015 is now live and includes dates across the U.S. this summer and fall Check the full list of events on my Tour Dates / Appearances page.
– My Master Schedule is updated for the near and distant future for most projects, so please check it often. My next Double Features for Mark Watches will be the remainder of The Legend of Korra, series 8 of Doctor Who, and Kings. On Mark Reads, Diane Duane’s Young Wizards series will replace the Emelan books.
- Mark Does Stuff is on Facebook! I’ve got a community page up that I’m running. Guaranteed shenanigans!