Mark Reads ‘Hogfather’: Part 1

In the first part of Hogfather, an Assassin is given an impossible task, and then hands it off to the only Assassin who could complete it. Intrigued? Then it’s time for Mark to read Discworld. 

Y’all, it is so entertaining that Pratchett wastes zero time in the opening of Hogfather. This might be the book that gets to the point the quickest in the whole Discworld series, and I’m already eager to take this ridiculous journey.

Unseen University

It’s fun trying to figure out which characters will be at the center of each new book, so I thought this initially might be a book with the wizards. I’m not so sure of that anymore; if anything, their inclusion here is the closest thing to the “beginning” of this story, since Ridcully foolishly orders that a long-closed bathroom be opened. That’s despite all the clear warnings, though I couldn’t help but be amused by his logic:

“And there’s the sign, Ridcully,” said the Dean. “You have read it, I assume. You know? The sign which says ‘Do not, under any circumstances, open this door’?”

“Of course I’ve read it,” said Ridcully. “Why d’yer think I want it opened?”

“Er… why?” said the Lecturer in Recent Runes.

“To see why they wanted it shut, of course.”

Truly a pitch-perfect commentary on most of human history, Sir Terry Pratchett.

Susan Sto-Helit

YES. YES. YES. I wanted another Susan book, and here we go, y’all. Susan as a governess who literally beats up monsters in the basement to satisfy the children she looks after. What more could I ever want? If this had been a short story about a governess who “pretends” to beat up a monster to satisfy her employers, only to be revealed to be an actual slayer of monsters, I would have given this five stars. 100%. A+. It would have satisfied me forever. But apparently, there’s much more??? I get more Susan??? And her weirdly prophetic dreams/visions are coming back??? Why? Is it due to an external force?

Lord Downey

He’s not the first Assassin we’ve had at the center of a story, but Downey’s role here is very different from what we’ve seen before, and that’s because he’s reluctant. Here’s an Assassin that’s proud of being a gentleman who is also part of one of the more dignified Guilds in the city. That’s clearly communicated to us in the text! Yet the job he’s contracted for is immediately strange because the Auditors (who were last in Reaper Man, which I did not remember during the recording for this part!) want him to do something that seems impossible.

Pratchett toys with the reveal of who the Auditors want “deleted,” first referring to the aim of their assignment as the “Fat Man.” Here’s the thing, though: the Auditors are deliberate. They forced Death to retire before, so they must have a very specific reason for asking the Guild of Assassins to take out the Hogfather. SOMEHOW, THE DISCWORLD’S VERSION OF SANTA CLAUS IS TOO MUCH FOR THEM. Don’t the Auditors generally feel distaste for humanity? Maybe they just want to kill any possible joy because why not? Yet they’re aware of how difficult this will be since they offer Downey THREE MILLION DOLLARS. The Auditors don’t make conscious mistakes, nor are they coy just for the sake of it. They tell Downey the bare minimum he needs to know – to “delete” the Hogfather within a week for three million dollars – and then they leave.

It’s not a whole lot to go on, is it?

Mister Teatime

Thus, we’re introduced to Mister Teatime – pronounced “Teh-ah-tim-eh,” thank you very much – who is… what? How do you describe him? Pratchett made a point of explaining why the Assassins were dignified and cultured specifically so he could contrast them with Mister Teatime, who kills for the sheer joy of it, who accomplishes his assassinations without any style, tact, or order. Everything he does technically counts as him succeeding, but he does so in a way that is vicious and brutal:

“But I definitely fulfilled the contract, sir. There can be no doubt about that, sir. I checked Sir George’s breathing with a mirror as instructed. It’s in my report.”

“Yes, indeed.” Apparently the man’s head had been several feet from his body at that point. It was a terrible thought that Teatime might see nothing incongruous about this.

That’s about the best description of him that I can conjure up. So when he tells Lord Downey that he long ago determined ways to kill people like Death and the Hogfather, I BELIEVE HIM. He probably spent countless nights planning out how to kill each and every person he ever met, y’all. YOU KNOW IT’S TRUE.

This is how this book starts. Good lord.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hiLcwl2UN6E

Mark Links Stuff

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