Mark Reads ‘My Immortal’: Part I (Chapters 1-6)

In the first of Mark’s journey through My Immortal, he is introduced to Ebony Dark’ness [WHY IS THERE AN APOSTROPHE THERE] Dementia Raven Way and everything is regrettable and everything hurts. Intrigued? Then it’s time for Mark to start reading My Immortal.

I suppose before I dive head first into this nonsense, I should talk a little bit about fanfiction in general. I was averse to the concept for years, but that bias came from a single source: having to moderate it while I was the community manager on Buzznet for years. Imagine not having a choice about having to read some of the most ill-composed, problematic, poorly written, and ridiculously sexual fanfic every day for YEARS. That is enough to break any living person. But over the last couple of years, I’ve been able to separate myself from those days (THANKFULLY) to really appreciate what fanfic does to people and what sort of things it helps people with, both as a writing tool and as a way to have different fandoms represent identities that aren’t present. Obviously, there are a million reasons why, but just sayin’.

I also have to admit that in the past, you’d technically have to count some of my reviews as fanfiction. Right? I mean, a lot of those plays and Twitter reviews and such certainly seem to meet the basic qualifications of fanfic, I think. Still, while fanfic definitely doesn’t bother me anymore, I guess I just have no interest in ever writing any myself (outside of reviews, that is). I’ve never tried to join a fanfic community, and I suppose that now that I have an outlet for my writing, I don’t imagine that there will ever be a need for that sort of thing for me.

Despite having read more awful fanfiction than should be allowed by law, I’m still not hip to all of the terminology, so I may ask questions about what things mean. Also, everything I’ve heard about My Immortal does not paint it in a positive light, and I honestly do not care much about getting spoiled. So, while the Spoiler Policy for this site will be relaxed for this brief project, please don’t just….outright tell me the ending? Or what’s happening? But otherwise, I sort of don’t care?

In terms of My Immortal, I’ve been hearing fandom whispers for years about how truly awful it is, but I otherwise know nothing about it. I know that it has something to do with Harry Potter, but honestly, that’s it. Annnnnnnnddd I have a feeling I will soon learn why so many of you want to see me suffer through this. Great.

Shall we?


(What does “AN” mean?)

When many of you told me that My Immortal was poorly written, I’d assumed that you meant in composition. As in, poor plot, bad characterization, no growth, etc. Within one sentence, I realized that this description was meant as literal as possible: There is absolutely no respect for the concept of spelling, for syntax, for grammar, or for one single rule I can possibly imagine when it comes to writing. I mean….this might have been done on purpose??? Look, I have no idea.

But it’s also poorly written because the author of this fic has her narrator announce who she is. And what she looks like. As if she needs to get it out of the way as quickly as possible so that she can….write more terrible prose? But whatever, I’m going to love this because she describes Ebony as having “icy blue eyes like limpid tears.” WHO CRIES CLEAR BLUE TEARS.

Also can we please fucking discuss this:

I’m not related to Gerard Way but I wish I was because he’s a major fucking hottie.

WHO EXPRESSES ATTRACTION TO SOMEONE BY WISHING THEY WERE PART OF THEIR FAMILY. THAT MAKES NO SENSE! What if I started telling people that I found Mario Lopez so hot that I wished he were my brother? I would get judgy stares, that is what would happen.

Oh my god what have I gotten myself into.

I’m also understanding that Ebony is a goth, but mostly a cookie-cutter goth, wearing the right clothing and make-up for someone to understand she’s a goth without anyone having to try to hard. But I did laugh at this:

A lot of preps stared at me. I put up my middle finger at them.

I take it back, this is literary brilliance.

And then Draco says hi to Ebony and he’s shy and then her friends call at her and that’s somehow a tragedy or, at the very least, a proper emotional spot to end a chapter?

Good god, what have I done.


I’m actually sort of more interested in the meta-narrative provided by XXXbloodyrists666XXX regarding preps flaming her story. I forgot that a lot of fanfics are updated over time by chapter. Sort of like me!!! OH GOD WAIT i am nothing like this fanfic what

I somehow missed the fact that Ebony is a goddamn vampire, despite that the last chapter was maybe 300 words. Have I already disconnected from this story completely? Ok, I promise to pay better attention.

I opened the door of my coffin and drank some blood from a bottle I had.



oh my god this is a gift from our Lord and Savior. I mean….how real is this? Did someone genuinely think this was good?

Here in chapter two is a moment that I came to despise from my days of reading fanfic at Buzznet. I cannot recall the number of fics I read where people specifically wrote their friends into scenes where they were consummating marriages with like…Brendon Urie or Mikey Way or someone in some band. And they always did it so obviously, either by naming them outright or by doing what’s done here:

My friend, Willow (AN: Raven dis is u!)


I’m already toeing the line between being bored and feeling this impending doom for what is to come. It’s only the second chapter and I never want to read about Raven or Ebony applying their make-up ever again. why are you writing this. Unless this was specifically a fanfic written to annoy me, I cannot imagine that this was fun to write. Hell, I just wrote a sentence trying to talk about technique and foreshadowing, and then erased it because this seriously does not deserve that much of my brain power.

The fic continues to date itself when Draco walks up to Ebony (quite conveniently after Raven just accused her of liking Draco how gripping) and invites her to see Good Charlotte…in Hogsmeade. Ok, WHERE IN HOGSMEADE. It’s a place, not a venue. Is it going to be outside? Oh god, this is clearly the work of Voldemort, who is hoping to murder the good citizens of Hogsmeade with horrible music!

I can’t even write a good joke. What is this shit.


YES MORE PREPS DRAMA. omg why wasn’t I around for this i would have trolled the reviews so hard.

It’s at this point that I truly realized why so many of you wanted me to read this. In nearly every way I can think of, this is worse than reading Twilight. At least there were real sentences in that book. As if the universe knew that I would hate every single second of this, I get to read even more about Ebony putting on clothes. And make-up. And then feeling depressed and slitting her wrist and then reading a depressing book while waiting for the blood to stop. ??????????????????? I’m sorry, if you can be specific about whatever shitty bands you are listening to, then you need to be specific about this book. I was going to try to guess what it was, but I imagine the author of this fic didn’t even have the foresight to think of what this book might be.

Draco was waiting there in front of his flying car.


He was wearing a Simple Plan t-shirt (they would play at the show too), baggy black skater pants, black nail polish and a little eyeliner (AN: A lot fo kewl boiz wer it ok!).

This entire fic is literally like a nightmare of my junior high and high school years. And this is not me trying to be serious about My Immortal because I refuse to dignify any of this with that sort of mental strain, but these were the douches who told me I didn’t listen to real punk because Simple Plan was truly where it was at.

oh god this fic is giving me intense flashbacks

We walked into his flying black Mercedes-Benz (the license plate said 666) and flew to the place with the concert.

is this the real life
is this just fantasy

On the way we listened excitedly to Good Charlotte…


We both smoked cigarettes and drugs.

guess who has never taken drugs because who writes a sentence like that

QUESTION: ARE THOSE ACTUAL GOOD CHARLOTTE LYRICS. I mean, I knew they were awful, but holy shit.

So then there’s some awkward scene where Ebony says Joel is hot and I throw up a little in my mouth and apparently Draco is upset at this fact??? HAS THIS PERSON EVEN READ THE HARRY POTTER BOOKS. Jesus christ, I have to stop myself right here, lest I become one of those people who claims they know a character better than the author or something. GAH.

I hate even saying that this ends on a cliffhanger, because that implies that the author was able to think that far into her own story, but whatever. I guess we’re going to the Forbidden Forest?



Before I sink to my lowest point ever, I had to laugh at this:

AN: i sed stup flaming ok ebony’s name is ENOBY nut mary su OK! DRACO IS SOO IN LUV wif her dat he is acting defrent! dey nu eechodder b4 ok!

That is hard to type. Seriously, best part about My Immortal is the notes at the opening of each chapter.

This chapter. Well. We learn Draco has taken Ebony to the Forbidden Forest to seduce her. With red color contacts? Ok. Is it going to be revealed that Draco likes Orgy and Static X next? Either way, nothing really matters here because of this:

Draco climbed on top of me and we started to make out keenly against a tree.


He took of my top and I took of his clothes. I even took of my bra. Then he put his thingie into my you-know-what and we did it for the first time.

I’m not forgiving any of you for that ever. Ever.

Dumbledore is arrives. I don’t care.


Don’t care. Will comment on this every time:

STOP flaming! if u flam it menz ur a prep or a posr! Da only reson Dumbledeor swor is coz he had a hedache ok an on tup of dat he wuz mad at dem 4 having sexx! PS im nut updating umtil i get five good revoiws!

Can I just review a book solely of every time this author breaks the fourth wall? Way more entertaining to me. Actually, I must say that nearly all of the dialogue here made me laugh so hard I cried.

“You ludacris fools!” he shouted.


“Why did you do such a thing, you mediocre dunces?” asked Professor McGonagall.

I still cannot stop laughing at this. Why can I sort of imagine Maggie Smith saying this? My god, this is the best thing in this whole story.

I don’t care about the rest, but I do find it LUDICROUS that Draco would approach Ebony and sing “I Just Wanna Live” by Good Charlotte and that’s somehow romantic? I mean, that is a poorly written song about how truly awful it is to be rich and famous.

My head hurts.


shjt up prepz ok! PS I wnot update ubtil u give me gooood revows!

This author really doesn’t stick to her principles, does she?

There’s some more dressing. YOU SPEND SO MUCH TIME PLANNING OUTFITS and NO TIME PLANNING YOUR OWN STORY. If you had, the complete disaster that is chapter six would never have happened.

I did laugh at the idea of Ebony eating Count Chocula with blood, but was unsure why she’d be upset that someone spilled it on her. Wouldn’t that make you look more goth? But it turns out this person is Harry Potter and in perhaps the most nonsensical scene yet, she describes how he’s basically a goth version of himself, complete with red contacts (SURPRISE) and black lipstick and spike hair and then she says this:

He looked exactly like Joel Madden.

I’M SORRY. Did he start out as Harry Potter and evolve into Joel Madden? How is this possible? I suppose that becoming a vampire in this author’s world turns you into Joel Madden. How terribly unfortunate, don’t you think? You’re an immortal being and you’re stuck looking like that one dude for all of time?

I have to prepare myself for the fact that this story has no intentions of going anywhere at all. I mean, this chapter ends with Harry and Ebony finding out they are vampires and then Draco takes her away because he has a surprise? I literally do not care.

I have to stop right here before my brain melts away. I hate all of you.

About Mark Oshiro

Perpetually unprepared since '09.
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237 Responses to Mark Reads ‘My Immortal’: Part I (Chapters 1-6)

  1. alexamarie0813 says:

    mark, i'm sorry, but this review was so hilarious it had me in tears.
    "i sed stup flaming ok ebony’s name is ENOBY"

  2. Milkbiscuit says:

    Oh. Well, if it's for a good cause then that's okay.

    WAIT. I could've had the power to make Mark Watch My Little Ponies: Friendship is Magic!???


  3. Annie Moose says:

    This brings back good memories of when I read this. lol just kidding
    I wonder if people suggested Mark to watch The Room as well.

  4. Welsh_Pirate says:

    Holy Jesus-balls, Mark is reviewing My Immortal!? I’ve watched Bennet The Sage’s Masterpiece FanFic Theatre, and I bearly made it all the way through. This might be the end of Mark as we know it.

  5. Silverilly says:

    DAMN, I wanted to be here early for this review. *sigh*
    I imagine someone's already mentioned this, but there's always been speculation that the girl who wrote this was trollin'. I'm on Team Troll, but a sick, sick part of me wants to believe she's real.

  6. nanodragora says:

    I personally LOVE My Immortal. In my opinion, it may be the funniest thing on the web. Then again, I am one of those people who is convinced that this is an elaborate practical joke by a very dedicated troll, because the alternative would make me want to curl up into a ball and die.


    • notemily says:

      It has to be a troll. It HAS to be. Right??

    • The Welsh Pirate says:

      I'm just cynical and heartless enough to believe that she's not a troll and honestly believes her story is good. It's still hilarious, though. She's like the Ed Wood of fanfic.

  7. littlebitcreepy says:


  8. LittleCaity says:

    Oh, poor Mark. You poor, foolish, brave, insane man.

    I'll have the anti-stress medication ready for you when you finish this, you'll need it.

  9. qwopisinthemailbox says:

    Oh Mark. i really understand if you don't want to continue reviewing this. You've made it farther than i ever could, and i wouldn't blame you if you decided to quit after this one.

    i am so sorry i suggested this.
    you are my hero <3

  10. agirlinport says:

    Reading the first few chapters of this made me want to cradle the English language in my hands and apologize profusely to it that I allowed someone to hurt it this badly.

    • The Welsh Pirate says:

      It's not just English that was hurt by this. She seems to have an utter contempt and hatred of the very concept of language in general.

  11. bingo007 says:

    thanks.i ll look up luminosity.

  12. Anonymouse says:

    Oh God, My Immortal. Tara Gilesbie, what have you done?

    I am proud/ashamed to say I have read this thing all the way through multiple times. Then linked it to some friends of mine to share the pain. They still have not forgiven me… Trust me, you will never be prepared. Also, because I am allowed to spoil this, I can't wait for you to meet MyImmortal!Hagrid and Tara's version of the Marauders. Your brain will explode, and the sadistic part of me will die laughing…. I'm a jerk, it's true.

    Also, as evidence she's not a troll, and that we should all weep for humanity. Here's the bio from the authors facebook page. Ebony herself has facebook (and is listed as Tara's daughter).

    "wut am i spoezd 2 rite heer???

    um well hi im tara lolz. wel…… i hav like blak hair but muh orginal color is brown lol and i luv my chemikal romanze and gerard way!!1 i also lik horer movies lol. im a goth so prepz fuk off!!!1 if u like ashlee simpon or hilary duf or u have blond hair go fuk urself!!1 raven jostin nd filly and all u guyz u no hu u r hope ur havin fun!!1 lol luv u gyz!!!1"

  13. Ellie says:

    MARK, YOU ARE A BRAVE, BRAVE SOUL. ~eternal respect~

  14. simplefaith says:

    Oh my. I had NO IDEA you were going to review "My Immortal."
    I never got past the first few chapters, myself. Trollfic or not, the funny was mostly outweighed by the "what is this i don't even," so my knowledge of the fic comes from fandom osmosis.

    *salutes you* 😉

  15. Danielle says:


  16. Astrid says:

    Where are you reading this? I can only find the spell-checked version ):

  17. Astrid says:

    Oh, and A/N or AN means Author's Note (:

  18. MrsHen1066 says:

    Wow, I have been secretly following you for some time, and your bravery astounds me.

    You are seriously not prepared for the shittery to come.

    Also, as a reward for embarking on this noble, and extremely painful endeavour let me reward you by introducing you to an extremely well written fan fiction which I know you'll love simply because:

    1) Time Travel
    2) Remus Lupin
    3) Time Travel invovling Remus Lupin

    • MrsHen1066 says:

      Also, just like to mention a kinda-spoiler:
      You are not going to like what they do to Lupin's character in this pathetic excuse for literature
      Or Hagrid for that matter.

  19. Michael says:

    For the record, my vote was that you did a Mark Watches A Very Potter Sequel. I wash my hands of guilt, and consider myself exempt from Mark's hate.

  20. Laura says:

    This is completely irrelevant to the review above, but examining this badfic had just reminded me of another I once saw on the livejournal community Deleterius in which Legolas impregnated a girl Immaculate Conception-style across the astral plane and possibly engraved his initials on her thigh. Does anyone else remember the title of this?

  21. Nadège says:

    Omg, hahahahaha, what have you taken yourself in to? If you ever thought twilight was bad, you are going to die reading this. I want to bet like 10$ that you won't be able to finish it :p

  22. Toph13139 says:

    I am laughing so fucking hard right now. How could you FALL for it? Why would you read it?! These reviews promise to have more lulz than the Twilight ones did… For sure.

  23. Pelleloguin says:

    I don't know weather to laugh or cry. I only made it through the introduction. This is going to be depressingly interesting.

  24. Jordan says:

    Can someone post a link to where I can read this? I never managed to read it back in the fanfic heyday and can't find it now.

  25. why have you terrible ppl done this to mark i don't get what is this


    You know what I think? I think the author was trying to write the Author's Notes in lolcat pidgin. And doing it badly. It's like reading a pageful of comments at

  26. GCSKAS says:

    I vote Dalton! Gotta love it!

  27. Kelly L. says:

    Oh sweet Jesus what the FUCK, my brain hurts and I think I've lost too many IQ points for it to be healthy and you have my deep sympathy for this.

    That said: LOLZ x infinity.

  28. Seriously, have you taken a look at the comic version? It's brilliant.

  29. bookgal12 says:

    I decided to read this just to have a laugh. I did not realize I would lose so much of my IQ. It hurt my brain to read her horrible grammar among everything else. I have sympathy for you, Mark to have to read this.

  30. ladililn says:

    nooooooooooo markkkkkkk don't torture yourself. 🙁 THERE IS STILL BEAUTY IN THE WORLD, I PROMISE.

  31. G.Xyon says:

    First time in this site.

    This review is just gold. This shit is just gold.

    Applause Mark, you deserve it.

  32. Kchano says:

    I have actually tried more than once to read My Immortal, and ended up laughing so hard I had to stop. Seriously, every time I read "WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING!! YOU MOTHERFUCKERS!!" I about pee my pants.

  33. EmmylovesWho says:

    best fanfic of all time.

  34. Meadow says:

    Mark, the depressing book WAS Twilight.

  35. Lady X says:

    Btw, Mark AN means Authors Note 🙂

  36. purplejilly says:

    oh Mark. It's lovely to see you reviewing again 🙂
    missed you!]

  37. misterbernie says:

    Why can I sort of imagine Maggie Smith saying this?
    Because Maggie Smith is AWESOME and can own any line, that's why. All hail Maggie Smith, who shall be queen hereafter.

  38. Ell says:

    You poor, brave man.

  39. Hailey says:

    I'd disagree about Good Charlotte, but seeing as I have only one song by them (that I've heard anyway) I have no basis for comparison. I am /so/ sorry you had to put yourself through this horrid troll fic.

  40. Viv says:

    Oh Mark, you poor poor soul.

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