In the second part of Mark’s journey through My Immortal, absolutely nothing makes sense. Intrigued? Then it’s time for Mark to slowly harm his imagination with My Immortal.
Ok, this has to be a joke. There is no way someone wrote this with total sincerity. I suppose there’s a part of me that kind of believes that this is possible, but there are these little slips that make me feel that someone intentionally wrote a lot of this in this way.
I can believe (based on my many years of INTERNETING) that people type just like this person does here. There are people who try to imitate exciting, riveting fiction and are simply not good at it. I’ve done my fair share of editing for many, many years, and it’s very easy to identify someone who has no talent at all. This happens. I have unfortunately read too much bad fanfiction and while My Immortal seems to hit all the right buttons, I kind of find that concept a bit suspicious. It’s perfectly written terribly. (That sentence is odd, but I swear it makes sense.) It’s full of so many things specifically designed to offend people. (The AIDS line here in chapter seven seems like one of those.)
That being said…I did absolutely no research on this fic, so please don’t tell me if it was determined to be real or fake. WHERE’S THE FUN IN THAT.
I must be predictable to start this off, because I am slightly obsessed with these:
wel ok u guyz im only writting dis cuz I got 5 god reviuws. n BTW I wont rite da nxt chapter til I git TIN god vons! STO FLAMING OR ILL REPORT U! Evony isn’t a Marie Sue ok she isn’t perfect SHES A SATANITS! n she has problemz shes depressed 4 godz sake!
Yeah! How dare you expect Ebony Way (fuck it I’m shortening that horrible name) to be perfect because….she’s a Satanist? what.
But let’s talk about Mary Sues! What an awful concept, as far as I’m concerned. I mean, it’s always sort of bothered me how it’s been a way for people to instantly criticize women who write fiction, especially when many of us who write insert ourselves into our characters. I understand that there is a way that fanfiction can actually have a character that is a total self-insert and trust me, I will say this a million times in different iterations: I have read them. (Side note: I have read good fanfiction! I recently read a mash-up between Ten (Doctor Who) and Mulder (The X-Files) and it was kind of amazing? NOW I CANNOT FIND IT AGAIN ohhhhhh goooooodddddd)
Well, I’ve now been utterly sidetracked. I think I’m purposely trying to avoid addressing what the hell is going on in this fic
If there was anything that I did not request from the universe, it was reading another section from this particular author wherein Ebony and Draco have sex. Not only does it seem like the author has no idea how sex works, but there are quite a few details that are absolutely nonsensical. May we?
- how can you see red “Satanist signs” on red nail polish. Sorry that is not about sex but like….WHAT.
- Apparently they take off each other’s clothes “enthusiastically,” yet Ebony still has hers on?
- It’s nice that Draco feels her up before she takes off her top. I think? I also apparently know nothing about sex either.
- ARE LEATHER BRAS A THING. Isn’t that a very uncomfortable thing to have clutching your breasts???
- boy’s thingy. I refuse to forgive any of you.
- WHAT IS BLOODY GOTHIC WRITING
- Certainly Draco could be a vampire and not in love with Harry Potter/Vampire? Also WHY DOES HE HAVE A TATTOO OF THAT?
- “He had a really big you-know-what but I was too mad to care.” Oh honey, get your priorities straight.
- “VAMPIRE POTTER, YOU MOTHERFUCKER!” Clearly this needs to be said more often.
stop flassing ok
what does that mean
Draco arrives in Professor Snape’s classroom, completely naked, and says the worst possible thing he could have in this situation:
“Ebony, it’s not what you think!”
you are naked in Snape’s classroom. Please tell me what I should think.
I’m at a point where this is all so absurd that all I can do is laugh. We’re introduced to B’loody Mary Smith (WHY IS THERE AN APOSTROPHE AGAIN), who is (SURPRISE) very gothic and has gothic hair? Can hair be gothic? But what’s more important is that, without missing a break and without going to a new paragraph, we are immediately told that “Hermione was kidnapped when she was born.” WHAT. And she had vampires for parents? She’s really trying to hone in on this gothic atmosphere. Anyway, Voldemort killed her mother? And she changed her name to Smith and is a Slytherin?
OH I GET IT. HERMIONE = B’LOODY MARY SMITH. I think? Either way, what is this nonsense.
After a decent Snape impression (I can sort of see him calling someone a “ridiculous dimwit,” the author switches the first person narrative to Draco? I think? And he’s bisexual? And he went out with Harry? And it was apparently good enough to get a tattoo of, but not good enough to last?
this is ridiculous
what the holy living fuck is going on.
First of all, in which understanding of the Harry Potter universe is it totally acceptable to scream “Crookshanks!” at someone in order to make them fall off a broom? Is this just an invented spell?
I am so completely and utterly lost, either by design or because this author is the worst of all time. Why is Voldemort in the Forbidden Forest? Why does he want to kill Harry again? Why does he have a fucking broomstick??? He’s Voldemort, he can just float and shit.
It’s a telling sign when the only thing I can even remotely comment on in a story is the fact that Draco and Ebony apparently make out while going into Hogwarts, which seems to me to be an utter physical impossibility. I’m sorry, I like to be not walking while I am having a Make Out Party. Things are unstable enough as it is, and I certainly do not need moving ground beneath my feet to add to it.
I hate this.
Oh great. A heterosexist slur. Awesome.
This chapter is one hot fucking mess. I mean, all of this is, but here we’ve got constant breakage of the fourth wall, a band made up of at least two terrible sounds (I’ve not heard much of MCR’s music, so I can’t make any judgment call on them. I know! I worked at Buzznet. How is that possible. With a lot of willpower, my friends), HARGRID, trivialization of suicide, and this sentence:
…the only way you can kill a vampire is with a c-r-o-s-s (there’s no way I’m writing that) or a steak….
Which just might be the greatest sentence fragment ever composed in the English language.
Ebony wears a lot of leather. Seriously, that has to be uncomfortable.
I cannot be arsed to even deal with anything here, so let me just jump to the end:
Apparently Draco has just committed suicide by slitting his wrists, which Ebony just told us is impossible. And this is not some mind-melting dramatic turn, it’s all just awful.
Christ, I have so much more of this to read. UGH.
Oh my god.
Dumbledore chased after me shouting but he had to stop when I went into my room cause he would look like a perv that way.
who willingly composes a sentence like that.
I am just eleven chapters into My Immortal and I have ran out of things to say, I have no idea how to express shock in varying ways, and I have no idea how to make any sort of commentary on this that is engaging. I am already completely worried that I am going to be boring for the remainder of this week. (As you’re reading this, I’m somewhere in California on a bicycle. Probably in between Santa Cruz and King City. Google Map that shit!)
In short: HOW IS THIS A THING. How does this exist? And how the fuck am I supposed to write about it? I mean, what on earth do you say about Snape (I’m sorry–Snap) and Lupin (wait…Loopin) taping Ebony while she slits her wrists in a bathtub while Lupin “masticates”? So he chews? Is that supposed to be bad? Or “masturbates”?
I have to say that, this early into My Immortal, I feel like I’ve been defeated. I feel like I’ve finally found something that has rendered me completely speechless, with no ideas and with no insight to give any of you.
Plus, she made Hargrid a Satanist who sings gothic 50 Cent songs (????? what does this mean ??????) who is in love with the worst character of all time.
I shall never forgive you, author.