Mark Reads ‘My Immortal’: Part I (Chapters 1-6)

In the first of Mark’s journey through My Immortal, he is introduced to Ebony Dark’ness [WHY IS THERE AN APOSTROPHE THERE] Dementia Raven Way and everything is regrettable and everything hurts. Intrigued? Then it’s time for Mark to start reading My Immortal.

I suppose before I dive head first into this nonsense, I should talk a little bit about fanfiction in general. I was averse to the concept for years, but that bias came from a single source: having to moderate it while I was the community manager on Buzznet for years. Imagine not having a choice about having to read some of the most ill-composed, problematic, poorly written, and ridiculously sexual fanfic every day for YEARS. That is enough to break any living person. But over the last couple of years, I’ve been able to separate myself from those days (THANKFULLY) to really appreciate what fanfic does to people and what sort of things it helps people with, both as a writing tool and as a way to have different fandoms represent identities that aren’t present. Obviously, there are a million reasons why, but just sayin’.

I also have to admit that in the past, you’d technically have to count some of my reviews as fanfiction. Right? I mean, a lot of those plays and Twitter reviews and such certainly seem to meet the basic qualifications of fanfic, I think. Still, while fanfic definitely doesn’t bother me anymore, I guess I just have no interest in ever writing any myself (outside of reviews, that is). I’ve never tried to join a fanfic community, and I suppose that now that I have an outlet for my writing, I don’t imagine that there will ever be a need for that sort of thing for me.

Despite having read more awful fanfiction than should be allowed by law, I’m still not hip to all of the terminology, so I may ask questions about what things mean. Also, everything I’ve heard about My Immortal does not paint it in a positive light, and I honestly do not care much about getting spoiled. So, while the Spoiler Policy for this site will be relaxed for this brief project, please don’t just….outright tell me the ending? Or what’s happening? But otherwise, I sort of don’t care?

In terms of My Immortal, I’ve been hearing fandom whispers for years about how truly awful it is, but I otherwise know nothing about it. I know that it has something to do with Harry Potter, but honestly, that’s it. Annnnnnnnddd I have a feeling I will soon learn why so many of you want to see me suffer through this. Great.

Shall we?


(What does “AN” mean?)

When many of you told me that My Immortal was poorly written, I’d assumed that you meant in composition. As in, poor plot, bad characterization, no growth, etc. Within one sentence, I realized that this description was meant as literal as possible: There is absolutely no respect for the concept of spelling, for syntax, for grammar, or for one single rule I can possibly imagine when it comes to writing. I mean….this might have been done on purpose??? Look, I have no idea.

But it’s also poorly written because the author of this fic has her narrator announce who she is. And what she looks like. As if she needs to get it out of the way as quickly as possible so that she can….write more terrible prose? But whatever, I’m going to love this because she describes Ebony as having “icy blue eyes like limpid tears.” WHO CRIES CLEAR BLUE TEARS.

Also can we please fucking discuss this:

I’m not related to Gerard Way but I wish I was because he’s a major fucking hottie.

WHO EXPRESSES ATTRACTION TO SOMEONE BY WISHING THEY WERE PART OF THEIR FAMILY. THAT MAKES NO SENSE! What if I started telling people that I found Mario Lopez so hot that I wished he were my brother? I would get judgy stares, that is what would happen.

Oh my god what have I gotten myself into.

I’m also understanding that Ebony is a goth, but mostly a cookie-cutter goth, wearing the right clothing and make-up for someone to understand she’s a goth without anyone having to try to hard. But I did laugh at this:

A lot of preps stared at me. I put up my middle finger at them.

I take it back, this is literary brilliance.

And then Draco says hi to Ebony and he’s shy and then her friends call at her and that’s somehow a tragedy or, at the very least, a proper emotional spot to end a chapter?

Good god, what have I done.


I’m actually sort of more interested in the meta-narrative provided by XXXbloodyrists666XXX regarding preps flaming her story. I forgot that a lot of fanfics are updated over time by chapter. Sort of like me!!! OH GOD WAIT i am nothing like this fanfic what

I somehow missed the fact that Ebony is a goddamn vampire, despite that the last chapter was maybe 300 words. Have I already disconnected from this story completely? Ok, I promise to pay better attention.

I opened the door of my coffin and drank some blood from a bottle I had.



oh my god this is a gift from our Lord and Savior. I mean….how real is this? Did someone genuinely think this was good?

Here in chapter two is a moment that I came to despise from my days of reading fanfic at Buzznet. I cannot recall the number of fics I read where people specifically wrote their friends into scenes where they were consummating marriages with like…Brendon Urie or Mikey Way or someone in some band. And they always did it so obviously, either by naming them outright or by doing what’s done here:

My friend, Willow (AN: Raven dis is u!)


I’m already toeing the line between being bored and feeling this impending doom for what is to come. It’s only the second chapter and I never want to read about Raven or Ebony applying their make-up ever again. why are you writing this. Unless this was specifically a fanfic written to annoy me, I cannot imagine that this was fun to write. Hell, I just wrote a sentence trying to talk about technique and foreshadowing, and then erased it because this seriously does not deserve that much of my brain power.

The fic continues to date itself when Draco walks up to Ebony (quite conveniently after Raven just accused her of liking Draco how gripping) and invites her to see Good Charlotte…in Hogsmeade. Ok, WHERE IN HOGSMEADE. It’s a place, not a venue. Is it going to be outside? Oh god, this is clearly the work of Voldemort, who is hoping to murder the good citizens of Hogsmeade with horrible music!

I can’t even write a good joke. What is this shit.


YES MORE PREPS DRAMA. omg why wasn’t I around for this i would have trolled the reviews so hard.

It’s at this point that I truly realized why so many of you wanted me to read this. In nearly every way I can think of, this is worse than reading Twilight. At least there were real sentences in that book. As if the universe knew that I would hate every single second of this, I get to read even more about Ebony putting on clothes. And make-up. And then feeling depressed and slitting her wrist and then reading a depressing book while waiting for the blood to stop. ??????????????????? I’m sorry, if you can be specific about whatever shitty bands you are listening to, then you need to be specific about this book. I was going to try to guess what it was, but I imagine the author of this fic didn’t even have the foresight to think of what this book might be.

Draco was waiting there in front of his flying car.


He was wearing a Simple Plan t-shirt (they would play at the show too), baggy black skater pants, black nail polish and a little eyeliner (AN: A lot fo kewl boiz wer it ok!).

This entire fic is literally like a nightmare of my junior high and high school years. And this is not me trying to be serious about My Immortal because I refuse to dignify any of this with that sort of mental strain, but these were the douches who told me I didn’t listen to real punk because Simple Plan was truly where it was at.

oh god this fic is giving me intense flashbacks

We walked into his flying black Mercedes-Benz (the license plate said 666) and flew to the place with the concert.

is this the real life
is this just fantasy

On the way we listened excitedly to Good Charlotte…


We both smoked cigarettes and drugs.

guess who has never taken drugs because who writes a sentence like that

QUESTION: ARE THOSE ACTUAL GOOD CHARLOTTE LYRICS. I mean, I knew they were awful, but holy shit.

So then there’s some awkward scene where Ebony says Joel is hot and I throw up a little in my mouth and apparently Draco is upset at this fact??? HAS THIS PERSON EVEN READ THE HARRY POTTER BOOKS. Jesus christ, I have to stop myself right here, lest I become one of those people who claims they know a character better than the author or something. GAH.

I hate even saying that this ends on a cliffhanger, because that implies that the author was able to think that far into her own story, but whatever. I guess we’re going to the Forbidden Forest?



Before I sink to my lowest point ever, I had to laugh at this:

AN: i sed stup flaming ok ebony’s name is ENOBY nut mary su OK! DRACO IS SOO IN LUV wif her dat he is acting defrent! dey nu eechodder b4 ok!

That is hard to type. Seriously, best part about My Immortal is the notes at the opening of each chapter.

This chapter. Well. We learn Draco has taken Ebony to the Forbidden Forest to seduce her. With red color contacts? Ok. Is it going to be revealed that Draco likes Orgy and Static X next? Either way, nothing really matters here because of this:

Draco climbed on top of me and we started to make out keenly against a tree.


He took of my top and I took of his clothes. I even took of my bra. Then he put his thingie into my you-know-what and we did it for the first time.

I’m not forgiving any of you for that ever. Ever.

Dumbledore is arrives. I don’t care.


Don’t care. Will comment on this every time:

STOP flaming! if u flam it menz ur a prep or a posr! Da only reson Dumbledeor swor is coz he had a hedache ok an on tup of dat he wuz mad at dem 4 having sexx! PS im nut updating umtil i get five good revoiws!

Can I just review a book solely of every time this author breaks the fourth wall? Way more entertaining to me. Actually, I must say that nearly all of the dialogue here made me laugh so hard I cried.

“You ludacris fools!” he shouted.


“Why did you do such a thing, you mediocre dunces?” asked Professor McGonagall.

I still cannot stop laughing at this. Why can I sort of imagine Maggie Smith saying this? My god, this is the best thing in this whole story.

I don’t care about the rest, but I do find it LUDICROUS that Draco would approach Ebony and sing “I Just Wanna Live” by Good Charlotte and that’s somehow romantic? I mean, that is a poorly written song about how truly awful it is to be rich and famous.

My head hurts.


shjt up prepz ok! PS I wnot update ubtil u give me gooood revows!

This author really doesn’t stick to her principles, does she?

There’s some more dressing. YOU SPEND SO MUCH TIME PLANNING OUTFITS and NO TIME PLANNING YOUR OWN STORY. If you had, the complete disaster that is chapter six would never have happened.

I did laugh at the idea of Ebony eating Count Chocula with blood, but was unsure why she’d be upset that someone spilled it on her. Wouldn’t that make you look more goth? But it turns out this person is Harry Potter and in perhaps the most nonsensical scene yet, she describes how he’s basically a goth version of himself, complete with red contacts (SURPRISE) and black lipstick and spike hair and then she says this:

He looked exactly like Joel Madden.

I’M SORRY. Did he start out as Harry Potter and evolve into Joel Madden? How is this possible? I suppose that becoming a vampire in this author’s world turns you into Joel Madden. How terribly unfortunate, don’t you think? You’re an immortal being and you’re stuck looking like that one dude for all of time?

I have to prepare myself for the fact that this story has no intentions of going anywhere at all. I mean, this chapter ends with Harry and Ebony finding out they are vampires and then Draco takes her away because he has a surprise? I literally do not care.

I have to stop right here before my brain melts away. I hate all of you.

About Mark Oshiro

Perpetually unprepared since '09.
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237 Responses to Mark Reads ‘My Immortal’: Part I (Chapters 1-6)

  1. Beautiful Thief says:

    LOL. I didn't even get to chapter six when I tried. I just laughed at all the people in the reviews who took it seriously (I maintain to this day that My Immortal is a work of trolling genius, because I refuse to believe that this could be someone's serious attempt at fanfiction. I've seen some terrible, terrible fanfiction, but this author seems to go OUT OF HER WAY to do things ridiculously terribly).

  2. drippingmercury says:

    AN means Author's Note.

    Oh, Mark. You are a very brave man to take on this fanfic.

    YOU ARE NOT PREPARED, etc. And not in the good way.

  3. kingslayer says:

    LOLOLOL I had no idea you were going to be reviewing this. Awesome

    (P.S. AN= Author's Note)

  4. @sab39 says:

    Noo… tell me this isn't INSTEAD OF the Golden Compass this week?

  5. ShiiShii says:

    OH MY GOD I had NO idea you were doing this!! Fantastic.

  6. George says:

    Oh god! (AN means author's note btw)
    This is even more hilarious having you review it I've got to say! Oh and do you know if you have the version with the hacked chapter?

  7. Eimear says:

    …those lyrics are the start of Bohemian Rhapsody. By Queen.

  8. KristinAdele says:

    As funny as it is to make you suffer through this, I wish we were getting more HP rereads instead =(

  9. cait0716 says:

    I have to admit that I read My Immortal because I'm a bit of a masochist. But this review has made me realize that I'm maybe a bit of sadist too. Because laughing at your review is nearly as much fun as laughing at the original story. And your mastery of the English language means that it doesn't feel like my brain is slowly dropping out of my ears.

    I constantly forget that Ebony is a vampire, too. And then she drinks some blood and I'm like, oh yeah.

    AN is short hand for Author's Note. They are definitely the best part of this story.

  10. Jamie S says:

    I tried to read My Immortal after hearing so much about it in the comments to your Harry Potter reviews. I could not get past one chapter. It hurt my brain too much. But this review was hilarious. I have not laughed this hard since a Twilight review. Thank you for sacrificing your sanity for my amusement. 😀

  11. Asta says:

    I gave up at chapter 2. I'm very proud of you for making it this far.

  12. CuriousApe says:

    This is so awesome. Mark, you are a very brave person and I love you for sacrificing your sanity to please your readers.
    This fic literally gave me headaches. I read the whole thing (I cannot for my life remember why), and every couple of chapters I just had to stop and bang my head against the wall and… okay, the headaches might have been a result of the wall-banging. Anyway.

    • Mandi says:

      Or maybe you were mad at Enoby and Draco for having sexx? 😛

      • CuriousApe says:

        I love this comment so much. 😀 You might be on to something! Draco sticking his thingy into Enoby's you-know-what definitely induced some sort of pain in my head.

  13. Andrea says:

    I can't believe you're actually reading this. I am literally experiencing sympathetic brainhurt for you.

  14. @GalFawkes says:

    Am I the only one who thinks this is so clearly a trollfic? The bad grammar, atrocious spelling? All of it, it was deliberate! I giggled so hard reading this fic, it is so not at all earnest. Or at least, I didn't see it as being in earnest. It's a self-parody. Or, alternately, it started off in earnest, then the author realized it was crap, and so was like, "fuck it, I'ma do a trollfic."

  15. Milkbiscuit says:

    Did I miss something here? Wh..why is Mark reading fanfic?? Who convinced him to review fanfic?? I…just….WHY.

    I am so sad for you, Mark. So sad that I’m crying limpid tears.

    • Mandi says:

      It was over on MarkWatches, if you aren't a regular visitor to that site.

    • qwopisinthemailbox says:

      I'm sorry. i was the one who suggested it ._. Mark is such a brave man. i couldn't make it past chapter 1 or something, i blocked it out.

  16. FuTeffla says:

    *cackles* I can't believe you're reading this. Oh Mark, you poor lamb. Although I do feel I have to love any piece of fiction that has Dumbledore calling people motherfuckers.

  17. Dena says:

    Oh god, this fic. You've officially already made it further than me trying to read it. I think that my heart hurts for you, for someone managing to convince you to read fanfic, and then making it THIS FANFIC that you have to review. It's like deciding to be a movie reviewer because you like The Godfather and then they make you watch Battlefield Earth.

    That said, the lyrics are from Queen, and I have no idea how they tie in to this damn thing, otherwise? Maybe Good Charlotte did a shitty cover?

    And I've always been pretty sure that this fic MUST be deliberate badfic by a particularly ingenious and determined troll. But I could be wrong.

  18. bingo007 says:

    i tried immortal a few months ago and i just couldnt read through it.i guess it ll be fun reading Mark diss immortal though.kind of like MRT days.
    IMHO 'harry potter and the methods of rationality' is the best Hp fanfic.stunning,extremely intelligent,funny and action packed and simultaneously educating us regarding logical decisions and rationality.awesome fanfic.

    • ldwy says:

      I'm halfway through that one! The characters are so different, it's hardly fanfiction, more like it's own story that borrowed a lot from Rowling's world. (Or I guess just very different from other fanfictions I have read.) The author is a good writer, and I'm enjoying the story on it's own merits.

    • StrangerThanReality says:

      Try the shoebox project, its a harry potter fanfic written as letters between James Sirius Lupin and Peter when they were at hogwarts and it has illustrations too

  19. Maya says:

    Oh my god Mark, you poor thing. I am so proud/terrified for you taking on this project.

    If you prefer a different medium, I give you My Immortal the Comic!

    Yeah, this thing has a ridiculous following.

  20. ferriswheeljunky says:

    Aah, I've had such a horrible day, and now I'm doubled over laughing with tears rolling down my face. Thank you for making my life better. If you weren't in a different country, I would hug you.

  21. Kris says:

    Back to Lyra : (((((((((

  22. FlameRaven says:

    All I know about this fanfic is that it's reputed as the worst fanfic on the Internet, and that it has its own TV Tropes page. I don't know if I could ever be brave enough to tackle reading the actual fic, because honestly even looking at the excerpts you've posted hurts my soul.

  23. Doodle says:

    Hahaha I didn't even know this existed but it is unbelievable…you are a brave soul!

  24. blis says:

    Dude, this review had me laughing so hard! i loved every second of it.
    This story you are reading sounds awful but I am still glad that you have brought it into my life.

    Kudos to you sir. Kudos.

  25. Elizabeth says:


  26. PreppyPoseur says:

    Huh. In the past I've limited myself to the Dramatic Readings on Youtube (Chapter 17 is perhaps the most amazing thing I've ever heard), in order to spare my eyeballs the agony, but this should be a jolly good ride as well.

  27. Sarah says:


    I've never read this, but now I MUST find it. I laughed so hard people were coming over to make sure I was ok (I'm at work). How do you explain to co-workers what this is??? I didn't even try. Oh, and…


    This is so amazingly terrible.

  28. Anon says:

    LOL I've never quite been brave enough to attempt this fic, so you deserve some sort of medal for doing this.

    … but really if you're reading HP fan-fic you need to read the shoebox project. Please? You'd like it…

  29. Anseflans says:

    We love you too, Mark.

  30. MissC_93 says:

    Hey, I wasn't expecting this! Although now the first review's up, I have a feeling that this is going to be fun…
    To be honest, I never finished reading this… interesting?…fanfic, even though the stories about it had me fascinated. Right now, all I remember about it is that it hurt.
    You are very brave to take on such a painful project, and if you actually survive to the end then you are officially an online god! Good luck, and I hope you make it out alive!
    By the way, when you really feel like facepalming/headdesking/bursting into tears, it helps to laugh instead. Just a bit of advice 😉

  31. Ash says:

    Prep <- what is this word, why is it there. No consideration for the area in which the books are based.

  32. enigmaticagentscully says:

    “Why did you do such a thing, you mediocre dunces?” asked Professor McGonagall.


    I'm so going to find this right now!

  33. Maya says:

    I think it only goes to around chapter 20. It gets in the major LOLs though.

  34. Maya says:

    Actually, it only goes up to the videotape incident. What a shame.

  35. Tingojr says:

    I'm sorry you have to go through that, although it is quite funny to read. I have never read this fanfiction, but reading about your reading it is brilliant. Be happy 🙂

  36. Tilja says:

    Add to that "my body is not ready" and maybe adecuate it to something larger than a body, because this will be a journey of self discovery: to discover just how strong his mind is against trolling greatness.

  37. Maggie says:

    Oh Mark, you have just given me the dose of laughter I needed to get through my finals. I swear I'm not a sadist- but I almost danced for joy when I saw that you were reading this. I cannot thank you enough. You are so not prepared.

  38. Ida says:

    The dramatic readings on YouTube are made of win! They spare your head and your eyes, and they are funny. This is bullshit, and the only reason I can even stand the mere sight of it is because I firmly believe it's trolling. It is trolling. It IS trolling! No one can tell me otherwise, I'm not listening.

    And what's worse is when you realise that there is a fanfiction called "Rose Potter" aka "The girl who lived" and when you've read it, "My immortal" will be considered a masterpiece.

  39. Pip_Harper says:

    Mark – have you read 'Harry Potter and the Methods of Rationality'?

    It's basically the antithesis of 'My Immortal' – 'My Immortal' is probably the worst fan fiction ever, and Methods is probably the best.

    It's the most incredible, and most well-written fan fiction (it feels almost wrong to label it fan fiction) I have ever come across. It can be utterly hilarious, whilst simultaneously (often in the same paragraph) tackling serious issues. The characters are all superbly well-drawn and multi-dimensional (Methods!Quirrel is simply fantastic), and the plot is vast and intricate.

    The basic premise is that Petunia married an Oxford Professor instead of Vernon, and Harry grew up reading sci fi and is a child genius.

    I would really, really recommend checking it out, just for simple pleasure, even if you don't review it (and I think there are ebook versions and pdfs for ease of reading).

    Oh, and it's also the most reviewed Harry Potter fanfic on (over 12,000), to give you some idea of its success.

  40. stellaaaaakris says:

    I only made it about halfway through this fic back when you were talking about a fanfic review on Buzznet. While I'm convinced it's really an example of excellent trolling (or at least evolved into one), my copy editing soul could not handle the second half of the story. I also decided to read it after a long day with very little sleep, which made it all the more hilarious and simultaneously stressful.

    I think my favorite spelling/trolling moment is when the word masticate makes an appearance.

    Good luck, Mark!

  41. BeckyJ says:

    Oh. My. God. WHYYYYYY.
    I haven't read this fanfic (THANK GOD) and this review had me crying I was laughing so hard. At work. Thankyouverymuch. I feel so so so bad for you. I would never forgive us either for melting your brain (and NOT in the good way).

  42. mary says:

    mark to ease your pain let me reveal the secret of this fic:

    it's a "troll fic" meaning, the author did it absolutely horrible in every possible way, ON PURPOSE
    so whoever wrote this doesn't act/think like this, just did it to laught at breaking people's brain on how AWFUL it is

  43. Rukia says:

    I'm almost sure that this fanfic was an intentional satire, and is therefore awesome. The way the misspellings are done they have to be on purpose. The dramatic readings on youtube are great, but I have never gotten to the end, I must admit.

  44. AndiBlac says:

    Mark, I thought I was going to hate my Monday. Then I remembered you were reviewing this catastrophic train wreck. And the LULZ ensued.
    “…this is a gift from our Lord and Savior.”
    Bless this post.
    Also… Sorry about the heartache and brain pain this will cause.

  45. Arione says:

    Try to think of this as a parody. Afterall it’s not truly known whether or no Tara Gilesbie was an elaborated troll. Some of her hilarious mistakes get to be a little too convenient. It makes everything a lot easier if you can convince yourself that this was written for laughs… And if you can’t do that well… we’re beyond “you are not prepared,” all I can say is brace yourself.

  46. Oh my Jesus God. I have never read this, but from reading your review, I deduce that it is an affront to plot, characterization, the English language, and Count Chocula.

  47. Heather says:

    I've never been able to read this for more than a chapter. I listened to the Dramatic Readings for a while, but even those got annoying.



    I shouldn't be laughing at the fact that you're reading this, but I am.


  48. elyce says:

    I only read this because people mentioned it all over your MRHP last year, although I never made it to the end, so I can't even spoil that for you. I had to give up somewhere between his thingie and her you-know-what ;]

  49. Vikinhaw says:

    Does anyone have a rec for someone doing the dramatic readings on Youtube/elsewhere? It's so funny spoken.

  50. @mariami says:

    So funny! Mark, you are my hero.

  51. Ohhhh god. This fic is only a small part of the reason I stopped writing fic as a tween, and once I started again (like, last year) I made very sure that only people I wanted to know could connect me to the fic blog. Augh. It's just so damn awful. And I get that it's likely a trollfic, but I can't even enjoy it for its awfulness (see also: my inability to find the bad singers who know exactly what they're doing on American Idol entertaining).

  52. knut_knut says:

    Mark, you are a true hero and you made me laugh so hard I almost snorted coffee out my nose

  53. Happy_now says:

    Long time lurker, first time poster, simply because this has brightened my horrible day beyond all measure. Mark, you are a star, never stop reading and sharing your reactions!!

  54. arctic_hare says:


    DON'T YOU DARE BLAME ME FOR THIS SHIT, I VOTED FOR OTHER STUFF AND PROPOSED YOU READ A GOOD BOOK 🙁 🙁 🙁 Because I'm not that big an asshole, I swear! (Man, if anything you ever read deserves the "jesus take the wheel" tag, it's this. LOL PERFECT.)

    Now, I believe I have an answer of sorts for your question on why there's an apostrophe in her name, coincidentally from another book by the same author of the one I suggested you read instead of this. Diana Wynne Jones' The Tough Guide to Fantasy Land (which is a encyclopedia of fantasy cliches written as if it's a tour guide) has an entry on apostrophes, which I shall quote:

    Apostrophes. Few names in Fantasyland are considered complete unless they are interrupted by an apostrophe somewhere in the middle (such as Gna'ash). The only names usually exempt from apostrophes, apart from those of most wizards, heroes and companions on the Tour, are those of some countries. No one knows the reasons for this. Nor does anyone really know how an apostrophe should be pronounced, though there are theories:
    1 You ignore the apostrophe and simply pronounce the word. (Here Gna'ash = Gnash.)
    2 You leave a gap or lacuna where the apostrophe occurs. (Here Gna'ash = Gna-ash.)
    3 You make a kind of clucking-sound to stand for the apostrophe. (Here Gna'ash =Gnaglunkash.) Persons with insecurely mounted tonsils should adhere to one of the other two theories.

    • Patrick721 says:

      I feel like I should read that, since it's apparently the precursor to Dark Lord of Derkholm, which I absolutely love.

      • Avit says:

        More in the sense of inspiration-precursor than prequel-precursor! Enjoyable though 🙂

      • arctic_hare says:

        Yeah, like Avit said, it's more what inspired it.

        I love the bit in Dark Lord of Derkholm where Derk figures out that "Gna'ash, Bil'umra, and Slaz'in" are Greynash, Billingham, and Sleane renamed, and Mr. Chesney explains that they like to rename their places to "give the right exotic touch".

        Seriously, one of the best books ever.

    • MichelleZB says:


      I also voted for other stuff. Poor Mark. This is going to be terrible.

      • arctic_hare says:

        Even funnier than this is the entry on horses, here are some choice lines:

        "But for some reason you cannot hold a conversation while riding them. If you want to say anything to another tourist (or vice versa), both of you will have to rein to a stop and stand staring out over a valley while you talk. Apart from this inexplicable quirk, horses can be used just like bicycles, and usually are."

        "Much research into how these exemplary animals come to exist has resulted in the following: no mare ever comes into season on the Tour and no stallion ever shows an interest in a mare; and few horses are described as geldings. It therefore seems probable that they breed by pollination."

    • andreah1234 says:

      Fuck. Why isn't Mark reading this again?

      Diana Wynne Jones is the author everybody should know, instead of she-who-will-not-be-named-because-she-sucks.


      I am immensely amused by Mark reading this, though. It's just so fabulously awful

      • miabuterflie says:

        Clearly, Mark should pay attention to us. We are the fanbase. We <3 Diana Wynne Jones, therefore he should too.

        It saddens me how few people know of DWJ compared to say, she-who-will-not-be-named-because-she-sucks, or other such people. She even had a new book out in 2010, which is not bad considering her first novel came out 1970. That's 30 years of writing, people! There are similar stories behind why I read the Chrestomanci novels and His Dark Materials – it wasn't that they were bought for me, at least I never asked for them. They appeared in the house, on the coffee table, and I lapped them up eagerly!

        Also, a character in Deep Secret is based on Neil Gaiman, as is the young Christopher Chant. How cool is that??

        • andreah1234 says:

          She was just cool. Everything she represented was just incredible.

          And I'm pretty sure a bit of my childhood died with her. I was eternally sad when I found out. And it makes me sad when some people (idiot people in my opinion. They are young, yes, but still) say somethings like "that's an old author, we need young and new things! AND WE NEED ROMANCE AND STUFF". SHUT YOUR MOUTH AND SAY NO SUCH A THING. What is the young, god. I am not even that old, but REALLY KIDS? REALLY? I AM DISAPPOINT.

        • andreah1234 says:

          Also, this:

          “I do miss her, very much. I have some wonderful friends. I have people in my life who are brilliant, and people who are colourful, and people who are absolutely wonderful, and who make the world better for their being in it. But there was only one Diana Wynne Jones, and the world was a finer one for having her in it.” -Neil Gaiman on Diana Wynne Jones

          <img src=""&gt;

          MY CRIES.

        • Brieana says:

          "She even had a new book out in 2010, which is not bad considering her first novel came out 1970. That's 30 years of writing, people!"

          More like forty! But that proves your point even more.

          I also didn't vote for this. I'd much rather interrupt Markwatches than Markreads. But then, because I don't check markwatches as often as I check this site, I didn't know to vote in the first place. 🙁

      • arctic_hare says:


        Diana Wynne Jones is the author everybody should know, instead of she-who-will-not-be-named-because-she-sucks.


        • andreah1234 says:


          BUT FIRST Howl's Moving Castle. Because that awesome shit is the soundtrack of my childhood (along with Harry Potter), and therefore I want it to live for ever and ever and ever.

    • miabuterflie says:

      Given the HUGE response to Diana Wynne Jones here, I've been inspired to create my own blog:
      It's something I've wanted to do for a while, and now I feel I will have an audience. This is both scary and exciting. First novel up for discussion is Fire and Hemlock. I don't want to tread on Mark's toes, as I feel he should be able to read and comment on Diana Wynne Jones in his own way, so this is entirely for people who are already familiar with the works.

      I am so nervous about this. Please be gentle with my blog!

  55. I have never brought myself to read My Immortal but this review had me laughing so loudly I worried what the neighbors would think. His thingy in my you-know-what. AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGGGH. I was enjoying your Golden Compass reviews anyway, but it's even better knowing that you've just endured this.

  56. Helena says:

    Having read all the comments, am I seriously the only one who's actually read every single chapter of this thing??? I can't tell whether I should be proud or deeply, deeply ashamed…

    • hpfish13 says:

      No, I finished the whole thing as well, though I listened to the dramatic readings instead of just reading it. We can be proud/ashamed together!

    • calimie says:

      You're not alone. I dared myself to finish a while ago and "loved" it. Few things are so hilarious.

    • Anonymouse says:

      I read it too, then watched a dramatic reading. Then read it again, then betaed it… If you are going to be ashamed then I should clearly go crawl into a hole and never come out….

  57. Kaci says:

    You may hate us, Mark, but we love you! Okay, it may be argued that by subjecting you to this, we clearly don't, but…um…actually I have nowhere to go with this. You're right. We're all clearly horrible human beings. Or should I say "pozrs" or perhaps "pr3pz".

    I feel like Lupin should be standing by, chocolate at the ready whenever someone is forced to read this delightful gem. It's worse than a dementor attack.

  58. affableevil says:

    I agree, there's one specific youtube reading that I've subjected myself to a few times. They actually make it entertaining, and sometimes I need to read something that is So Bad It's Awful to blow off some steam. I don't think I would ever have trudged through the whole 44 chapters of dreck without the videos.

  59. Psi Baka Onna says:

    Truly, you are a stronger person than I.

    I gave up reading the actual story around the time the concert started. I just started skimming down the page to find all the ridiculous Author Notes to see how the flame war was going. ^_^;

  60. burritosaurus says:

    I tried to read this when it was decided you were going to (how did I not know of this sooner?!) and got about this far before I realized that my suppressed giggles were going to crack a rib or become not-so-suppressed and get me in trouble at work.

    You are brave, good sir, but I hope your brain manages to stay solid.

  61. Hyatt says:

    please don’t just….outright tell me the ending? Or what’s happening?

    Can anyone even work out what's happening or how it ends?

    I'd say not to blame me for this, but my choices weren't much better. Possibly worse, because they were mostly non-troll bad fanfics. That and the Msscribe Saga, but I wasn't sure if you'd review non-fiction, no matter how bizarre.

  62. Ellie says:

    the book she was reading was twilight :)))

  63. Phoebe says:

    This is sort of the "Friday" of the literary world: you can't tell if it's serious or not.

  64. AccioDeathlyHallows says:

    Oh dear god, Mark. I truly feel for you. If I was feeling selfless, I'd insist that you stop right there because it's the most god-awful thing that I have ever seen. But I'm selfish, so KEEP READING BECAUSE IT'S GONNA BE HILARIOUS.

  65. maccyAkaMatthew says:

    Everybody should.

    Unless they've read all of it.

    Then they should start re-reading.

    I didn't vote for this either. I fear the joke may already be wearing thin.

    At least the The Eye of Argon is relatively short.

  66. maccyAkaMatthew says:

    When this was mooted as a suggestion I managed a few chapters of this reading:

    Which probably makes it about as entertaining as it can be (there are loads out there, though). I'm still not convinced that the relentless terribleness will be sufficiently enternatining, though. I don't think I could cope with just reading the text.

  67. t09yavorski says:

    I'm not even gonna try to read this fic. My brain is on break so no reason to torture it.

    I did go in to it to check the lyrics though. I googled them and, yes, those are true lyrics. They are the beginning of a song called The Chronicles of Life and Death. I've never heard it before and I couldnt understand all the words (never can with Good Charlotte). It seems to be about the end of life being the same as the beginning.

  68. kate says:

    there are some really hilarious dramatic readings of this on youtube that you should probably listen to

  69. calimie says:

    I read it: besides the start here and a few memorable scenes later I have no idea of what's going on.

    Oh, the MsScribe Saga: now, that's quality.

    • hummingbrdheart says:

      I wasn't even in the HP fandom when it happened, but I loooooove reading the MsScribe Saga. It's so complicated and funny and weird!

  70. @maybegenius says:


    I'm sorry, Mark. I'm so sorry. I had to stop reading this mess like a third of the way in because I was like, "No, what, no. Don't care if there are lulz to be had. Can't do it."

  71. kingslayer says:

    My Immortal must be how the Capitol broke Peeta… It all makes sense now.

  72. calimie says:

    One of my favourite parts:

    "That's all right. What's your name?" I questioned.
    "My name's Harry Potter, although most people call me Vampire these days." he grumbled.
    "Why?" I exclaimed.
    "Because I love the taste of human blood." he giggled.
    "Well, I am a vampire." I confessed.
    "Really?" he whimpered.
    "Yeah." I roared.

    That "I roared" at the end just kills me.

    • Shay_Guy says:

      Not from My Immortal, but…

      "Really?" I shouted ponderingly.
      "Yes," Jessica said passionately.
      "Oh," I said with words.

  73. monkeybutter says:

    Stifled laughter is hard to perfect! I think I got 8-10 chapters in and then started skipping around because it really doesn't make a difference, and then I listened to some readings on youtube. Too bad Mark doesn't have these options!

  74. cwv2 says:

    Mark…you should read Cupcakes.
    It's actually well written.

    I'm sure you'd /love/ it.

  75. Shay_Guy says:

    My original stance was to not claim it was or wasn't real. After reading the first few chapters, I've retained that belief, but am leaning toward "fake." Teresa Nielsen-Hayden once said of intentionally-terrible novel Atlanta Nights (written to out a vanity publisher), "The world is full of bad books written by amateurs. But why settle for the merely regrettable? Atlanta Nights is a bad book written by experts." My reasoning for My Immortal is something similar: It feels crafted. It's a perfect storm of crap. Like someone put a lot of work into making it as bad as they possibly could, then stepped back and asked themself if there might be a way to make it even worse.

    I don't suppose you've read The Most Popular Book in the Whole World? That story's more fun. And if you want an actually good HP fanfic, my number one recommendation is The Very Secret Diary.

  76. Kiryn says:

    Oh holy God. This wasn't what I was expecting today. I think this review almost broke my brain, I was laughing so hard.

    I tried reading My Immortal years ago…I discovered it because someone mentioned to me on Mugglenet that if you typed 'worst fanfiction ever' into Google and then clicked 'I'm Feeling Lucky', this would come up. And it DID!

    I totally didn't make it all the way through…as funny as it is, it truly hurt my brain too much. But…I kind of can't wait to see how far you last? I hope your brain doesn't die from discovering something even worse than Twilight.

  77. echinodermata says:

    I wish to announce I was against the idea of Mark Reads My Immortal.

    But the Ludacris thing made me laugh, ngl.

    And I see people are doing their HP fanfic suggestions, and I am of the firm belief that the best way to introduce someone to fanfic is with well-written crack!fic.

    So, Harry Potter and the Eagle of Truthiness

    Wherein Stephen Colbert becomes the new DADA professor.

    • nanceoir says:

      Oh, I love that one! I actually haven't read much fanfic, but I think I might have printed that one up at one point or another.

      Hmm… I may have to give it a reread.

      Good times, good times.

    • I don't read fanfic, but I make the occasional exception for awesome hilarity like that. It's one of my favorites.

    • Silverilly says:

      God, I remember this fanfic. FUCKING BEST FANFICTION OF ALL TIME.

  78. Kiryn says:

    Oh, and by the way—who expresses attraction to someone by wishing they were related to them? I'll tell you who, Mark.


    Remember how in New Moon she wished that Jacob was her brother? 😉

    • Penquin47 says:

      In Bella's defense, she wished Jacob were her brother so she wouldn't have to deal with the fact that she was attracted to him despite the fact that her LIFE was OVER and she could never love again.

      It really says something about the series when this is not the creepiest part.

  79. BradSmith5 says:

    Okay, so I've never read fanfic in my life. Well, unless you count that Star Trek novel where the Borg take a Ferengi and make him their leader. So awesome.

    Anyway, I did a super-scientific test where I closed my eyes and typed "stop" as fast as I could for a few minutes. I got "stup" along with: dsto], stuop, stop, stos, tops, to[s, and ;tpos. SCIENCE! 😉

  80. miabuterflie says:

    I'd be happy to let you read it! It's on the influence of poetry in that work . If you find some way of getting me your email address, I'll send it to you.

    I have 3 copies of Fire and Hemlock. One in pdf form that I'm not sure is legal, but I do actually own it as well! I ripped one copy and I was so sad I had to get myself another one. It's out of print now (WHY?).

    My sister still brings it up that Diana Wynne Jones died every now and again. When I mention about how one of my favourite authors hasn't brought anything out in a while, it reminds her. Sad!

  81. Roxanne says:

    This is seriously the best way to experience this god awful fic.

    Mark, Im sad you left out the best line of this whole thing.

    "“WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING YOU MOTHERFUKERS!” It was……………………………………………………Dumbledore!"

  82. arctic_hare says:

    Everyone does! Including me, as I haven't read all of her books yet (working on it, though).

  83. amythis says:

    Yes, that's how I got through My Immortal. I'd read the chapters while listening to their commentary. The accents made it all the better.

  84. amythis says:

    Long-time poster, first-time delurker. I was much more active in the MarkReads world back with the first HP read-through, started lurking during "Hunger Games." Now enjoying "Golden Compass," amazed how much I remember. But this, this is the kind of the thing that makes me de-lurk. Sorry for your suffering, Mark, but My Immortal has to be read to be believed. Like "Santa Claus Conquers the Martians," it is worse than it sounds.

  85. bradycardia says:

    I looked at this when I first heard you were reading it. But I just couldn't! The spelling hurt my brain. I didn't hang around long enough to take in the grammar of (lack of) plot.
    But I am enjoying your review of it. I'm just sorry you have to suffer for our enjoyment!
    That sex scene is the greatest/worst thing I have read today!

    (Now back to my essay on medical futility!)

  86. Idapida says:

    This just made an otherwise bad day so much better! 😀
    I never made it through the whole story myself, but I've watched some of the dramatic readings, fanfiction really doesn't get more hilarious than this 😛

  87. ThreeBooks says:

    omg stope falmming da storey u no its good ur gest gelus cuz ur never rote ne god storeys ok so sut up!!!!!11!! also gc is awsome rocksauce so stfu dere rlly gud all my frends say so!

    • Kaitlyn says:

      I'd say this is some damning evidence in favor of the troll!author argument.

      • ThreeBooks says:

        I forgot to have at least six exclamation points on the last sentence, though.

        And yeah, I really hope that it's an amazingly brilliant troll and not someone being that very stupid 🙁

  88. Erin says:

    "I’m not related to Gerard Way but I wish I was because he’s a major fucking hottie.


    Clearly you have not read much My Chemical Romance because WAYCEST.

    There is a reason I don't read fanfic anymore and this may be it. Also, whatever fic it was that contained the words "Accio lubricant!"

  89. Sophi says:

    My New Year's was round at a house reading this aloud in dramatic voices at midnight.

    Best. Party. Ever.

    Also, "“WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING YOU MOTHERFUKERS!” It was…………………………………………………… Dumbledore!" Easily the best line ever written.

    • Patrick721 says:

      I wish we could get celebrities to read it. Imagine Christopher Walken, James Earl Jones, Morgan Freeman, Samuel L. Jackson…god, that would be the greatest thing that could never ever happen.

  90. Christie says:

    Oh Mark, you are not prepared. And not in the good way this time. In the bad, bad, bad, bad completely horrible way.

  91. Pan says:

    There a no words to express my gratitude towards you for reviewing My Immortal. I've read the first half of it (the second half was allegedly written by someone else, so I didn't care so much about reading it, because the stupidity seemed fake.) and I absolutely LOVED EVERYTHING. Especially the ANs, even though I had great difficulties understanding them. English isn't my native language, so I wasn't familiar with most of the colloquial expressions. Some of them are still unclear to me, but I have the feeling that consulting a dictionary wouldn't help me a lot.

    One thing(y) is bothering me, though: Why doesn't the author care about her story at all?
    I mean, I did the very same thing. I wrote myself into stories, too, and I've always imagined scenes where I reacted in a cool or witty way – but apart from the fact, that I've never released them to the general public, I tried to think of good, appealing formulations, correct grammar and spelling and something that remotely looked like a plot to justify my existence in the story. The author wants her readers to like the story, so why does she make it so hard for them? I don't get this.

  92. Diana Kingston-Gabai says:

    Dear GOD. Are you kidding me? Run, Mark! Run! 😉

  93. empath_eia says:

    Oh god, I'm laughing so hard at this but I have to keep it quiet because my boss is also in the same office and my stomach literally hurts.

  94. Diana Kingston-Gabai says:

    So, while the Spoiler Policy for this site will be relaxed for this brief project, please don’t just….outright tell me the ending? Or what’s happening?

    If anyone could figure that out in the first place, this wouldn't be one of the most infamous pieces of dreck on the Internet. 🙂

  95. tigerpetals says:

    I have only listened to a series of dramatic readings done in a robotic, monotonous voice, while also having illustrations I think. Now I can't find them, so have these instead:… Hellfire Commentaries Chapter 1 This other one… The TV Tropes page, with a fanart of the main character.

    I still prefer reading you GC reviews. Didn't think these would replace them.

  96. Diana Kingston-Gabai says:

    Now here's something that'll really send a chill down your spines: "My Immortal" is quite clearly the product of the HP heyday – but imagine if she'd waited a few years and glommed onto Twilight instead? Forget CERN, there's your world-destroying black abyss of eternal damnation right there. 🙂

  97. Sarah says:

    Okay, as bad as this fic is I still hold onto the hope that it is a MASSIVE TROLL, so I still think Dumbledore’s Army and the Year of Darkness is worse, because it was written seriously and a TON of people like it and, well, there is some /extremely wrong stuff/ in there.


  98. Kate says:

    Seconded. I read that and was like… but Queen was awesome! And who doesn't know the lyrics to Bohemian Rhapsody? I feel better now.

  99. Inzhuna says:

    Nooo, don't do this, it will break your brain! I for one will totally forgive you if you ditch this. I can't imagine how you find it in you to get through this thing.

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