Mark Reads ‘My Immortal’: Part I (Chapters 1-6)

In the first of Mark’s journey through My Immortal, he is introduced to Ebony Dark’ness [WHY IS THERE AN APOSTROPHE THERE] Dementia Raven Way and everything is regrettable and everything hurts. Intrigued? Then it’s time for Mark to start reading My Immortal.

I suppose before I dive head first into this nonsense, I should talk a little bit about fanfiction in general. I was averse to the concept for years, but that bias came from a single source: having to moderate it while I was the community manager on Buzznet for years. Imagine not having a choice about having to read some of the most ill-composed, problematic, poorly written, and ridiculously sexual fanfic every day for YEARS. That is enough to break any living person. But over the last couple of years, I’ve been able to separate myself from those days (THANKFULLY) to really appreciate what fanfic does to people and what sort of things it helps people with, both as a writing tool and as a way to have different fandoms represent identities that aren’t present. Obviously, there are a million reasons why, but just sayin’.

I also have to admit that in the past, you’d technically have to count some of my reviews as fanfiction. Right? I mean, a lot of those plays and Twitter reviews and such certainly seem to meet the basic qualifications of fanfic, I think. Still, while fanfic definitely doesn’t bother me anymore, I guess I just have no interest in ever writing any myself (outside of reviews, that is). I’ve never tried to join a fanfic community, and I suppose that now that I have an outlet for my writing, I don’t imagine that there will ever be a need for that sort of thing for me.

Despite having read more awful fanfiction than should be allowed by law, I’m still not hip to all of the terminology, so I may ask questions about what things mean. Also, everything I’ve heard about My Immortal does not paint it in a positive light, and I honestly do not care much about getting spoiled. So, while the Spoiler Policy for this site will be relaxed for this brief project, please don’t just….outright tell me the ending? Or what’s happening? But otherwise, I sort of don’t care?

In terms of My Immortal, I’ve been hearing fandom whispers for years about how truly awful it is, but I otherwise know nothing about it. I know that it has something to do with Harry Potter, but honestly, that’s it. Annnnnnnnddd I have a feeling I will soon learn why so many of you want to see me suffer through this. Great.

Shall we?

CHAPTER 1

(What does “AN” mean?)

When many of you told me that My Immortal was poorly written, I’d assumed that you meant in composition. As in, poor plot, bad characterization, no growth, etc. Within one sentence, I realized that this description was meant as literal as possible: There is absolutely no respect for the concept of spelling, for syntax, for grammar, or for one single rule I can possibly imagine when it comes to writing. I mean….this might have been done on purpose??? Look, I have no idea.

But it’s also poorly written because the author of this fic has her narrator announce who she is. And what she looks like. As if she needs to get it out of the way as quickly as possible so that she can….write more terrible prose? But whatever, I’m going to love this because she describes Ebony as having “icy blue eyes like limpid tears.” WHO CRIES CLEAR BLUE TEARS.

Also can we please fucking discuss this:

I’m not related to Gerard Way but I wish I was because he’s a major fucking hottie.

WHO EXPRESSES ATTRACTION TO SOMEONE BY WISHING THEY WERE PART OF THEIR FAMILY. THAT MAKES NO SENSE! What if I started telling people that I found Mario Lopez so hot that I wished he were my brother? I would get judgy stares, that is what would happen.

Oh my god what have I gotten myself into.

I’m also understanding that Ebony is a goth, but mostly a cookie-cutter goth, wearing the right clothing and make-up for someone to understand she’s a goth without anyone having to try to hard. But I did laugh at this:

A lot of preps stared at me. I put up my middle finger at them.

I take it back, this is literary brilliance.

And then Draco says hi to Ebony and he’s shy and then her friends call at her and that’s somehow a tragedy or, at the very least, a proper emotional spot to end a chapter?

Good god, what have I done.

CHAPTER 2

I’m actually sort of more interested in the meta-narrative provided by XXXbloodyrists666XXX regarding preps flaming her story. I forgot that a lot of fanfics are updated over time by chapter. Sort of like me!!! OH GOD WAIT i am nothing like this fanfic what

I somehow missed the fact that Ebony is a goddamn vampire, despite that the last chapter was maybe 300 words. Have I already disconnected from this story completely? Ok, I promise to pay better attention.

I opened the door of my coffin and drank some blood from a bottle I had.

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAAHAHA

HAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAAHAHAHAH

oh my god this is a gift from our Lord and Savior. I mean….how real is this? Did someone genuinely think this was good?

Here in chapter two is a moment that I came to despise from my days of reading fanfic at Buzznet. I cannot recall the number of fics I read where people specifically wrote their friends into scenes where they were consummating marriages with like…Brendon Urie or Mikey Way or someone in some band. And they always did it so obviously, either by naming them outright or by doing what’s done here:

My friend, Willow (AN: Raven dis is u!)

THANKS FOR SPELLING THAT OUT, I PROBABLY NEVER WOULD HAVE GUESSED THAT.

I’m already toeing the line between being bored and feeling this impending doom for what is to come. It’s only the second chapter and I never want to read about Raven or Ebony applying their make-up ever again. why are you writing this. Unless this was specifically a fanfic written to annoy me, I cannot imagine that this was fun to write. Hell, I just wrote a sentence trying to talk about technique and foreshadowing, and then erased it because this seriously does not deserve that much of my brain power.

The fic continues to date itself when Draco walks up to Ebony (quite conveniently after Raven just accused her of liking Draco how gripping) and invites her to see Good Charlotte…in Hogsmeade. Ok, WHERE IN HOGSMEADE. It’s a place, not a venue. Is it going to be outside? Oh god, this is clearly the work of Voldemort, who is hoping to murder the good citizens of Hogsmeade with horrible music!

I can’t even write a good joke. What is this shit.

CHAPTER 3

YES MORE PREPS DRAMA. omg why wasn’t I around for this i would have trolled the reviews so hard.

It’s at this point that I truly realized why so many of you wanted me to read this. In nearly every way I can think of, this is worse than reading Twilight. At least there were real sentences in that book. As if the universe knew that I would hate every single second of this, I get to read even more about Ebony putting on clothes. And make-up. And then feeling depressed and slitting her wrist and then reading a depressing book while waiting for the blood to stop. ??????????????????? I’m sorry, if you can be specific about whatever shitty bands you are listening to, then you need to be specific about this book. I was going to try to guess what it was, but I imagine the author of this fic didn’t even have the foresight to think of what this book might be.

Draco was waiting there in front of his flying car.

WHY AM I NOT SURPRISED DRACO OWNS ONE OF THESE

He was wearing a Simple Plan t-shirt (they would play at the show too), baggy black skater pants, black nail polish and a little eyeliner (AN: A lot fo kewl boiz wer it ok!).

This entire fic is literally like a nightmare of my junior high and high school years. And this is not me trying to be serious about My Immortal because I refuse to dignify any of this with that sort of mental strain, but these were the douches who told me I didn’t listen to real punk because Simple Plan was truly where it was at.

oh god this fic is giving me intense flashbacks

We walked into his flying black Mercedes-Benz (the license plate said 666) and flew to the place with the concert.

is this the real life
is this just fantasy

On the way we listened excitedly to Good Charlotte…

OH, SO YOU’RE THOSE PEOPLE.

We both smoked cigarettes and drugs.

guess who has never taken drugs because who writes a sentence like that

QUESTION: ARE THOSE ACTUAL GOOD CHARLOTTE LYRICS. I mean, I knew they were awful, but holy shit.

So then there’s some awkward scene where Ebony says Joel is hot and I throw up a little in my mouth and apparently Draco is upset at this fact??? HAS THIS PERSON EVEN READ THE HARRY POTTER BOOKS. Jesus christ, I have to stop myself right here, lest I become one of those people who claims they know a character better than the author or something. GAH.

I hate even saying that this ends on a cliffhanger, because that implies that the author was able to think that far into her own story, but whatever. I guess we’re going to the Forbidden Forest?

CHAPTER 4

I AM NEVER GOING TO FORGIVE ALL OF YOU FOR THIS

Before I sink to my lowest point ever, I had to laugh at this:

AN: i sed stup flaming ok ebony’s name is ENOBY nut mary su OK! DRACO IS SOO IN LUV wif her dat he is acting defrent! dey nu eechodder b4 ok!

That is hard to type. Seriously, best part about My Immortal is the notes at the opening of each chapter.

This chapter. Well. We learn Draco has taken Ebony to the Forbidden Forest to seduce her. With red color contacts? Ok. Is it going to be revealed that Draco likes Orgy and Static X next? Either way, nothing really matters here because of this:

Draco climbed on top of me and we started to make out keenly against a tree.

CAN YOU ACTUALLY MAKE OUT KEENLY.

He took of my top and I took of his clothes. I even took of my bra. Then he put his thingie into my you-know-what and we did it for the first time.

I’m not forgiving any of you for that ever. Ever.

Dumbledore is arrives. I don’t care.

CHAPTER 5

Don’t care. Will comment on this every time:

STOP flaming! if u flam it menz ur a prep or a posr! Da only reson Dumbledeor swor is coz he had a hedache ok an on tup of dat he wuz mad at dem 4 having sexx! PS im nut updating umtil i get five good revoiws!

Can I just review a book solely of every time this author breaks the fourth wall? Way more entertaining to me. Actually, I must say that nearly all of the dialogue here made me laugh so hard I cried.

“You ludacris fools!” he shouted.

LUDACRIS. LOL. LOL. LOL FOREVER

“Why did you do such a thing, you mediocre dunces?” asked Professor McGonagall.

I still cannot stop laughing at this. Why can I sort of imagine Maggie Smith saying this? My god, this is the best thing in this whole story.

I don’t care about the rest, but I do find it LUDICROUS that Draco would approach Ebony and sing “I Just Wanna Live” by Good Charlotte and that’s somehow romantic? I mean, that is a poorly written song about how truly awful it is to be rich and famous.

My head hurts.

CHAPTER 6

shjt up prepz ok! PS I wnot update ubtil u give me gooood revows!

This author really doesn’t stick to her principles, does she?

There’s some more dressing. YOU SPEND SO MUCH TIME PLANNING OUTFITS and NO TIME PLANNING YOUR OWN STORY. If you had, the complete disaster that is chapter six would never have happened.

I did laugh at the idea of Ebony eating Count Chocula with blood, but was unsure why she’d be upset that someone spilled it on her. Wouldn’t that make you look more goth? But it turns out this person is Harry Potter and in perhaps the most nonsensical scene yet, she describes how he’s basically a goth version of himself, complete with red contacts (SURPRISE) and black lipstick and spike hair and then she says this:

He looked exactly like Joel Madden.

I’M SORRY. Did he start out as Harry Potter and evolve into Joel Madden? How is this possible? I suppose that becoming a vampire in this author’s world turns you into Joel Madden. How terribly unfortunate, don’t you think? You’re an immortal being and you’re stuck looking like that one dude for all of time?

I have to prepare myself for the fact that this story has no intentions of going anywhere at all. I mean, this chapter ends with Harry and Ebony finding out they are vampires and then Draco takes her away because he has a surprise? I literally do not care.

I have to stop right here before my brain melts away. I hate all of you.