Mark Reads ‘My Immortal’: Part 3 (Chapters 12-20)

In the third part of Mark’s journey through the world of My Immortal, it’s almost like watching his brain break rapidly over time. Intrigued? Then it’s time for Mark to continue reading My Immortal. And experience no joy from it at all.

No, seriously, I am so full of anger right now.


Even the breaking-the-fourth-wall comments aren’t funny anymore. I imagine that reading this fic as it unfolded all those years ago when it was being uploaded gradually had to be one of those rare things that is impossible to describe to other people, one of those You-Had-To-Be-There experiences that only you and the others who participated could understand. Hell, I could imagine how fun it was to read this after the fact in one session. But breaking it up like I do? It really doesn’t work at all. This almost feels like a lesson both in humility and in perception, as I’m coming to terms with just how bizarre my project is. I mean…I’m really glad that so many hundreds of thousands of you have stuck with me for the last two years. (Well, two years in August, which will be the two-year anniversary of starting Mark Reads Twilight.) This is not something that I think anyone would have predicted would be successful, and I imagine for many of you who are fans of the things that I consume, it’s probably a bit agonizing, too! Because I am SO FAR AWAY FROM YOUR MOST FAVORITE THING EVER and that has to be hard to wait. AND I MAKE YOU WAIT AND YOU DO and I love you all dearly for it.

But it has to be a strange experience to explain to people if you’re excited about this blog, and now I’m thinking how it actually must sound like a terrible idea to read My Immortal in pieces. And that is an idea I am rapidly starting to agree with.

Chapter 12 is just…’s like reading the unfiltered thoughts of pure puberty. That’s the only way I know how to describe this. It’s a mess of emotions and sexual confusion and really awful, immature ideas about nearly everything in the whole world, from suicide to pedophilia to goths and preps and WHO IS HAIRGRID.

My god, this is so terrible. Terrible is not even a good word. Worthless? Absurd? Hell, it does seem like an exercise in absurdity, doesn’t it? That is not a compliment, by the way.

Of all of the ridiculous shit here, I am just at a loss for how bad all the continuity errors are. The author has made no attempt whatsoever to keep her facts straight at all. I don’t know who Diabolo is or who they are supposed to be; I cannot keep track of Harry/Vampire’s scar and what it is supposed to be, nor what it does, and I don’t get the rose/flames; I don’t understand how Dumbledore is even in the room at; I don’t understand HIGH-HEELED BOOTS WITH BILLIE JOE ARMSTRONG’S FACE ON THEM; I don’t understand Ebony being furious with Harry/Vampire and then having sex with him and then blaming Harry for that? And then there is more scar talk?

Only one thing makes sense here:

He [Vampire Harry] was sucking some blood from a Hufflepuff.

because AMIRITE THAT WOULD TOTALLY HAPPEN. also let us hope it’s Cedric for extra irony.


Only thing worth mentioning: In this chapter, Dumbledore despises Draco, as he always should have done. Bless My Immortal forever.



Real or not, this is easily one of the funniest things I have ever read. We are advising you to shit your pants, please. Oh my god, maybe this is all not that awful.

  • We ran to where Volcemort was. It turned out that Voldemort wasn’t there. Instead the fat guy who killed Cedric was. [What????]
  • Draco was there crying tears of blood. [But….he is dead?]
  • “in dis he is sixteen yrs old so hes not a pedofile ok”
  • We could hear his high heels clacking to us. [WHY IS VOLDY WEARING HIGH HEELS]
  • He had a sex-pack (geddit cuz hes so sexah) and a really huge you-know-what and everything.
  • “It’s so unfair!” I yielded. [I DO NOT THINK THAT MEANS WHAT YOU THINK IT MEANS.]
  • “Why can’t I just be ugly or plain like all da other girls and preps here except for B’loody Mary, because she’s not ugly or anything.”
  • “I don’t like the preps anyway. They are such fucking [NOT TYPING THAT AWFUL WORD THAT I HATE].

Yeah, I take it back. This is unbelievably awful.



  • Can a vampire drink their own blood? I thought that was impossible. Wait, why am I trying to ascribe logic to any of this.
  • Okay, apparently advanced Biology is very deeply important to Ebony because she makes sure to go to class and then she plays guitar in class and then the guitar turns into Draco? What the hell kind of transfiguration is happening here? IS THIS MCGONAGALL’S FAULT
  • Do the preps ever actually say anything to Ebony or does she always resort to immediately flipping them off?
  • How is Lupin alive? Wasn’t he shot like a million times by Ebony? Same with Snape?
  • WHY IS MCR HOLDING A CONCERT IN HOGSMEADE. Is this some must-have market in the music industry now? Literally, there have to be like ten people who like MCR in Hogwarts that makes no sense.
  • When is this going to end 🙁


Wait a second, now the author hates Raven? What happened? OMG OUTSIDE DRAMA MAYBE THIS ALL MIGHT ACTUALLY BECOME INTERESTING

But no. Instead, I have to read this:

Gerard looked even sexier than he did in da pictures. Even Draco thought so, I could totally see him getting an erection but it didn’t matter cuz I knew know that we were da only true ones for eachother.

Seriously, will never forgive any of you. Ever.

I don’t know if the author tried to do that thing where you show a future event, and then go back in time to give the details of how that thing happened (one of my favorite storytelling devices, actually!), or if she just fucked up her own continuity, but….actually, there’s no way she had enough foresight to do that. What the fuck is this. First, Ebony and Draco go to this MCR concert and then Ebony is telling Draco she won’t go to the concert? BUT YOU JUST FUCKING DID. WHAT THE HELL.

Oh my god and then. AS;KLDFJSAJF A;KDF A;DFKAJA

I don’t understand. I have lost the ability to excel at reading comprehension. Even–even–if this is a fic created solely out of the desire to troll all of us, I honestly cannot wrap my head around how some of these sentences were created. For example, Ebony is upset because she is worried she will have sex with Draco because they’re at an MCR concert. Ok, that is an example in and of itself, but follow me.

“We won’t do that again,” Draco promised. “This time, we’re going with an ESCORT.”

“OMFG wtf/ Are you giving into the mainstream?” I asked.

ON WHAT FUCKING UNIVERSE DOES THIS MAKE EVEN THE SLIGHTEST BIT OF SENSE. This is not even good trolling! It’s just pure nonsense.

B’loody Mary was standing there. “Hajimemashite gurl,” she said happily (she spex Japanese so do I. dat menz “how do u do” in japanese). “BTW Willow that fucking poser got expuld. she failed al her klasses and ske skepped math.” (an: RAVEN U FUKIN SUK! FUK U!)


  • can this author spell Japanese but not the world “classes”
  • can this author think that means “how do u do”
  • can a person fail all of her classes in a few days
  • can a person be expelled for failing classes and oh, by the way, they skipped math
  • can this author think it is ok to break the fourth wall in her own story to yell at her friend.
  • am I still reading this
  • why

We wutsched some goffic movies like Das niteMARE b4 xmas.


So, fun story! I used to work at Hot Topic! That was the company that ruined me, flat out. Oh, Readers, I was once full of pure hope, believing that everything was wonderful and that I would be successful and perfect and everything was awesome. I got the job my sophomore year of college and was there until the end of my junior year when I was framed for stealing because I whined about being forced to work overtime without being paid. I wish I could provide you with a context for that so that it could make some sense to you, but many years later, it doesn’t make any more sense to me, either.

So I sort of hate that place, but I promise not to let that completely ruin this. Even though the author tries to say that this is just some random “goffik” store, it’s Hot Topic. My god, you all, the people who fucking come to that store and decide that it’s a cool club or something? Like, it’s totally cool to just be in a store touching everything for six straight hours and you’re definitely not annoying the people working there because they have to keep straightening up all the shit you are ruining and THE PEOPLE IN THIS FIC ARE THOSE FUCKING PEOPLE. As if I needed yet another thing to make me hate all of this, it’s taken me sixteen chapters to realize exactly what sort of people this represents.

Troll or not, I hate this.

“Yesterday loopin and snap tried to buy a goffic camera pouch.” He shook his head. “I dint even no they had a camera.”

More importantly, how can a camera pouch be gothic. what is this. Oh, it’s a store where Tom Riddle works (how can Tom Riddle and Voldemort be existing at the same fucking time) and the employees just give away clothes to hot girls.

why is this


who the fuck is Diabolo

And why do two characters have a past where they were kidnapped at birth and their real family were vampires? Statistically, that is hard to accept.

It is not, however, hard for me to accept the brilliance of these two quotes:

“It was…Vlodmort and da Death Deelers!”

He wus werring a blak robe dat sed ‘avril lavigne’ on da back. He shotted a spel and Vlodemort ran away. It was…Dumblydore!

I will never understand anyone who thinks Avril Lavigne deserves to be listened to.






oh yah btw ill be un vacation in transilvania 4 da nex 3 days so dnot expect updatz

you are not even fucking trying that is a dirty fucking lie

I just don’t get how one person can own so many outfits. There is no mention of money whatsoever in My Immortal and seriously, Ebony changes her clothes about four times a day and they never, ever seem the same.

It was Loopin! “R u gonna cum rape me or what.” I yelled. I was allowed to say dat because Dumblydore ahd told us all 2 be careful around hem and Snap since he was a pedo.

And this is where I unceremoniously tell you all that I am stopping. I’m done. I cannot do this. I am defeated. I imagine I will not feel a second of shame for promising to read My Immortal after so many of you helped me raise money for my AIDS/LifeCycle and then giving up. This is just too much. I don’t care how unintentionally awful this is or purposely trolly it’s become, I draw the line at ridiculous comments about rape.

And you know, I really don’t even think I’ll be sad that I don’t know what happens because nothing fucking happens in this.

I’m going back to The Golden Compass tomorrow to wash my mouth of this awful taste left behind.

About Mark Oshiro

Perpetually unprepared since '09.
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225 Responses to Mark Reads ‘My Immortal’: Part 3 (Chapters 12-20)

  1. Brieana says:

    "I’m going back to The Golden Compass tomorrow to wash my mouth of this awful taste left behind."


  2. cait0716 says:

    Congrats. You made it just about as far as I did (I think I got to chapter 22 because that's where the version I read split and I just couldn't motivate myself to click "next").

    I don't think anyone can blame you. My Immortal alternates between funny and awful, but the funny happens less and less. You've read enough to get it and say that you've read it. I've heard that it just falls apart even more after this. In all honesty, I'm glad you're giving up. It was fun while it lasted, but I'm eager to get back to The Golden Compass. I'm looking forward to continuity, character development, plot, complete sentences, proper spelling, and all the other wonderful things about that book. It was a valiant effort, Mark, and I applaud you for sticking with it as long as you did.

  3. Maya says:

    Okay, now I'm starting to think that My Immortal really was a "You Had to Be There" sort of thing. I think, after being ensconced in the HP fandom and being involved with fic and fic authors, My Immortal sort of became this troll fic that spiraled out of control and became a huge inside joke for the entire fandom. I think, in bits and pieces, it is truly and properly funny, at least for some people. In a lump like's pretty mind-meltingly bad.

    So yes, please go back to the Golden Compass and rescue some of your neurons from an all-but-certain death.

  4. Avit says:

    I believe the spelling of "triumphant" as "triumelephant" should erase any doubt that this was a troll.

    • Sparkie says:

      I don't know what you're talking about! I regularly insert 'ele' into my woelerds.

    • laleia says:

      As for me, I refuse to believe that anyone could write

      MASTABATED (c is dat speld rong)

      and mean it with anything resembling seriousness.

  5. GCSKAS says:

    You'll thank yourself in the future for salvaging the rest of your brain and picking up the Golden Compass again.

  6. Hannah says:

    I’m actually sad. I’m sitting here dying laughing at this review and it was making my day better, whereas your golden compass reviews are extremely interesting, but don’t really perk up my day as much. I understand, though. This is painful to read and I abandoned it as well.

  7. enigmaticagentscully says:

    Well, you tried Mark. You got several chapters further than I did. 🙂

    We wutsched some goffic movies like Das niteMARE b4 xmas.

    No. NO. I HATE that stupid poser wannabe GOFFS have taken this movie as their own. 'A Nightmare Before Christmas' is a beautifully animated, dark little fairytale that I've loved since I was a little kid. It was a family tradition to watch it every Halloween because we all loved the songs, and the story, and it was just a little bit scary….but with a happy ending. It also had the nice twist that the monsters in the story weren't all bad, just doing their jobs – sort of like a darker version of 'Monsters INC.'

    I have nothing against Goth culture in general, but the fact that this film has turned into some big icon for stroppy teens who call themselves 'Ebony Dark'ness' and think slitting their wrists is cool and edgy really annoys me.


    • Electron Azure says:

      YES. I love "A Nightmare Before Christmas" and I hate how the goth subculture has tired to turn it into some kind of symbol for their particular brand of conforming noncomformity. "Nightmare" belongs to EVERYONE. It should be enjoyed by all, and not celebrated as a goth masterpiece nor dismissed for being such an integral part of the Hot Topic crowd. It's FUN. It has an original aesthetic. It is not goffic.

    • arctic_hare says:


  8. I will never understand anyone who thinks Avril Lavigne deserves to be listened to.
    Why did you have to go and make things so complicated? I mean, seriously.*

    *I actually like Avril. YEAH I SAID IT.

    • cait0716 says:

      I do, too. I jammed out to her so much in high school. And then yesterday I heard one of her newer songs, "What the Hell", on the radio. I can't get it out of my head. In a good way.

      Then again, I spend most of my time listening to folk and country so I'm no stranger to people making fun of my taste in music.

      • There were some pretty good songs on Let Go! "Unwanted" is badass, and most of the rest of the album is more interesting than "Complicated" and "Sk8er Boi" would have you believe. Not saying she's fantastic or anything, but perfectly listenable. Most of the time (whyyyyyy do I even have "Girlfriend"?).

        • Anon says:

          I really liked Avril when her first two albums came out… The only difference was that I was in third grade, not high school.

      • xynnia says:

        I loved Avril Lavigne when I was in secondary school too. I don't think her newer stuff is as good as her first two albums, though. I started listening to those again recently and it brought back some awesome angsty-teen nostalgia. XD

    • FlameRaven says:

      She's got some fun songs. It's not the best music ever, but it brings back my high school nostalgia.

    • barnswallowkate says:

      Me toooooo I love her. But I have the musical tastes of a 14 year old (Taylor Swift is my favorite) and I wouldn't actually try to convince anyone that Avril's stuff is always objectively good or that they have to like her too.

    • Time-Machine says:


      So I used to enjoy wearing t-shirts and ties. Not as a punk fashion thing (I mostly listened to TMBG and the Beach Boys at this stage in my life) but because I was a weird middle schooler who often wore mismatched socks and bright green shorts and uneven pigtail braids in a sort of "I fucking dare you to comment on my clothes" thing because I fucking hated middle school, and it seemed like a pretty clear way to broadcast to bullies that I knew they were there and I was ready for them without wearing all back and being overly angsty, because I didn't really feel that way I just didn't appreciate all the obligatory fashion bullshit.

      And then Avril became a thing, and like, t-shirts and ties became a thing, and at first it was cool, because like, my thing was now A THING, but then Avril became sort of widely acknowledged poseur or something? (the only song of hers that I remember was the one that was all "He was a boy, she was a girl, could it be any more obvious?" and I was all YES. IT COULD. I'm not even sure what's supposed to be obvious there beyond their genders) and then I couldn't wear my "fuck you all I hate this shit" outfit without looking like I really loved Avril Lavigne who I didn't and don't know anything about, and I had to change my "fuck you" dressing strategy because of her, because it was no longer saying "fuck you", and that's the overall message I was going for. (Well, "fuck you" and "rainbow brite totally had to right idea about colors and how we should EMBRACE THEIR RAINBOW UNICORN GLORY")

      So the only big opinions of Ms. Lavigne that I have are "you unintentionally ruined ties for me" and "it could be more obvious".

    • lastyearswishes says:

      I have her first album (and actually still listen to it sometimes). She just went downhill for me once her second album came out, I can't even listen to her most of the time now. :S

  9. Saphling says:

    Ugh! So glad to hear you're going back to the Golden Compass. I've never read this fic, but from what I got out of your reviews, I still wouldn't wish My Immortal on anyone. (Possibly Hitler.)

    I'm sorry you had to go through all that, and I'm glad it's over. Just think: MORE ARMORED BEARS AND LYRA AND GYPTIANS AND DAEMON-RELATED AWESOMENESS TOMORROW! (The light at the end of this badfic tunnel is actually Dust. ^_^)

    • Tilja says:

      To Hitler, I'd wish the authoress of this garbage to spek German and make a ranting fic about the things he likes the most. That should properly destroy his brain and be useful to society.

  10. @anamardoll says:

    I can't imagine anyone will be upset at your quitting — these three posts were a fun ride, but what else is there to say at this point about My Immortal? I think you've pretty much covered it, and covered it well. Congratulations for getting as far as you did, as well as having the survival instincts to know when to stop. 😉

  11. Tilja says:

    HHHAAAAHAHAHAHAHA (those incongruous middle parts are where I had to stop for air while laughing).


    Honestly, Mark, I think you deserve a prize for having put up with half the story (or whatever you call something like this). You deserve your break and you deserve an award for your bravery in the line of duty.

    And, you know, I really enjoyed these reviews. They made me laugh like nothing has done for a very long time. I want to thank you for giving me a reason to laugh every morning this week. The only reason this week and for months. So THANK YOU. I wish you could have gone on till the end, to give me a full week of laughter, but I understand your suffering so I don't complain.

    THANK YOU! And move on to our regular broadcast of goodies with The Golden Compass already.

  12. Avit says:

    I think it's a goth thing. It gets made fun of so much, though, that I'm not sure exactly how many ~hardcore goths~ frequent it.

  13. Saphling says:

    It's an emo everything store. >_> Among other things.

  14. stellaaaaakris says:

    I'm so glad you're done with this! Lyra and co. are going to look even more awesome in comparison.

    Diabolo is supposed to be Ron, I'm pretty sure.

    And I have a theory about Chapter 11 and Lupin's mastication. He's a werewolf. I get the impression werewolves like to eat meat. So he actually was masticating outside Ebony's window. He just wanted a snack, that's all.

  15. You actually managed to make it further than me with this fic.
    To start with the absolute horror is kinda funny but it just becomes unreadable and nonsensical…

    Yay for the beautiful writing of Pullman instead!

  16. Avit says:

    Someone said 44 chapters? Fairly short chapters, to be sure.

  17. Avit says:


    Actually I can see Abra Kedavra as a brainfart, but the second one… seriously.

  18. Tilja says:

    It has 44 chapter, each more awful than the previous instances. It was never completed, just dragged on and on until it became nothing.

  19. Saphling says:

    Voldemort: ABRA DADABRA! *produces a bouquet of silk flowers from his sleeve*

  20. Yeah, that was a pretty terrible song, even though it's annoyingly catchy. I never saw the video, but I would totally go for the glasses-wearing redhead who doesn't dress like Avril!

    (Please avoid using sexist slurs like "bitchy" here. Thanks!)

    • enigmaticagentscully says:

      Sorry! My bad, school flashbacks, y'know?
      Um…I'd edit it to choose a better word but I'm not allowed to? I don't know why, I can edit this post.

    • Danel says:

      I'd prefer if we could avoid classist slurs like chav as well.

      I've heard that the video is supposed to be from the perspective of a bad person, or something? It's so bizarre in setup and against everything that bad American high school drama has taught me about who we're supposed to support in American high school drama that its just plain weird.

  21. blis says:

    I use to work at Hot Topic too. I really wouldn't call it work though i mostly just hung out. I was friends with the manager and was only there like 6 hours a week. I was 25 and amazed at how bratty pretty much all the kids who shopped there were spoiled brats who thought they were edgy.

  22. monkeybutter says:

    I will never understand anyone who thinks Avril Lavigne deserves to be listened to.

    No, no. See, this is how you reveal that even Dumblydore is flawed.

    I'm sorry you went through this. I'm amazed you made it this far — I never did. It's tedious and offensive, but something you have to experience. Didn't you say a while a go that you hadn't reviewed something you hated since Twilight? Now you know why we vote for things we love. 🙂

    Yay for more His Dark Materials!

  23. andreah1234 says:



    And yeeeeeeeeeeeeees, The Golden Compass, I will finally be able to comment on that because HELL YEAH SUMMER. So, to say that I AM EXCITE is an understatement.

  24. FlameRaven says:

    Hot Topic, last time I went in there (because my little sister is 13 and into a weird punk/goth mix) it was actually surprisingly full of anime stuff. It seems like it's starting to become a general geek store more than anything– there was plenty of random anime/Nintendo merchandise, various other geeky t-shirts, and then the more goth/punk jewelry. I mean, a lot of black t-shirts and some striped socks, but it wasn't THAT out there.

    My problem with Hot Topic comes more from the fact that they have a VERY bad habit of outright stealing popular designs off the internet for their products, or accepting stolen art. Apparently it's difficult to get them to pull products even once the theft has been reported, too. :/

  25. Jenny_M says:

    I will not be upset in the slightest that you're returning to TGC. This just seemed painful and unfun, and honestly what I love about reading your stuff is when things make you happy. And TGC seems to be making you VERY happy.

  26. FlameRaven says:

    No one blames you for giving up. This is the worst kind of writing. And now you get to continue Golden Compass! You are so not prepared.

  27. Persona says:

    Yay! Back to the Golden Compass! Never read things like again, ever, Mark. It was a huge waste of many people's reading time. Stick to stuff made of awesome win from now on?

    Also, on an interesting note none of the characters in this book who are apparently pedos are. Living in England I know that the age of consent is at 16. I do hate people who can't be bothered to do a little bit of research before writing stuff.

    Also, 'Diabolo' is a juggling stick thingy =/ I'm pretty sure she meant to name Ron 'Diablo' (which I think is Spanish) which means Devil.

    Well, whatever. You're not missing out on anything, Mark. The whole dreary thing drags on with clothes, make up, misinterpretation of what it means to be goth and more offensive crap on sex, sexuality and suicide. Glad you've given up before your brain completely melts.

  28. Anseflans says:

    Wasn't Diabolo Ron?

    And YAY for going back to The Golden Compass!!!

  29. Arione says:

    It’s gonna be okay Mark. Lyra knows how to heal your pain.

    • Patrick721 says:


      …Sorry, I got a bit carried away there. Just finished my last final exam, so I'm pretty excited.

  30. Becca says:

    Sadly, the author spelled hajimemashite correctly (at least in terms of roman characters), and they sort of had the translation right (it roughly means "I am pleased to make your acquaintance for the first time"). This is why I think it's a troll, because if they can spell that word right, but not basic English, there is something wrong here.

    • Avit says:

      Well, not if they were a native Japanese speaker who didn't have English down. But there's nothing else in the errors that suggests that particular scenario.

    • Windy says:

      Truthfully, I really think it's a clever troll. If you pay close attention, you notice that English is butcher-butchered in the Author's Notes, but mostly grammatically correct surrounding dialogue. This thing is SURGICALLY designed to piss off as many people as possible…

      Or, it's as if someone with dyslexia wrote it, and their like, twelve-year-old little brother proofread it. And the author mentions that someone else taught them Japanese. Maybe that person wrote the phrase down and all the author had to do was type it in.

      What really convinces me are the typos though. Excretion? Really? When I make a typo I just m-i-s-p-e-a-l something. I don't replace the word with a different (harder to spell) word.

      • LOTRjunkie6 says:

        It is mentioned that Raven used to "edit" for Tara Gillespie (I refuse to call her by her idiotic pen name) and when I checked Raven's fics (I was curious. Bad idea.), her writing was actually readable…

  31. Vikinhaw says:

    I’m going back to The Golden Compass tomorrow to wash my mouth of this awful taste left behind.

    YES! My Immortal is not really a thing that should be reviewed, or viewed at all, or exist even. I think very few people have ever actually finished it. It made me laugh but I only got to Chapter 36 so I could see Marty McFly inexplicable cameo.

  32. affableevil says:

    I think the only things you're not going to see from here on out are Marty McFly's cameo and Snape and Lupin (don't care enough to look up the proper misspellings) have sex in the Great Hall and Dobby watches. And, there, now you know about them.

    I'm really glad you're stopping, because it's pretty obvious this thing is making you hate everything and frankly that's not a lot of fun to see. I much prefer the reviews where you gush or have your brain broken but from a good plotwist or something, not because it's so awful holy shit

  33. Rachel says:

    *breathes sigh of relief*

    I’m so glad you are smart enough to give up before your brain leaks from your nostrils, Mark. This was simply not fun anymore. Who ARE you people who wanted to see such torture???

    Let’s just pretend this NEVER happened, shall we?

    • majere616 says:

      I am deeply remorseful for voting for this extended…for lack of a better word, "literary" torture session.

  34. pica_scribit says:

    We are advising you to shit your pants, please.

    I had to explain to my roommate why I was laughing so hard that I could not speak or breathe as tears squeezed from my eyes. You deserve a shiny hat or something, Mr Mark, for making it as far as you did.

  35. rumantic says:

    Yeah, this was funny for the first review, and into the second, but I don't understand any more :S maybe you did have to be there. Mark, I'm glad you've finished reading now too. Bad fanfic is funny but this is beyond bad.

    Anyway, on the subject of bad fanfiction, I recently found my old account. This was a Harry Potter fic I wrote when I was 15 – it's pretty bad, but it has (questionable) plot, and decent spelling, and it made me laugh.

    Does anyone else have old, bad fanfic they wrote as a teenager lying around?

  36. Thiamalonee says:

    You know how you can make up for this disappointment Mark? By liveblogging Mark Watches The Room.

    It's the worst movie ever made (and I've seen Manos: Hands of Fate), but it's pushed into the So-Bad-It's-Good category, and it only takes 99 minutes of your time. There's even a really fun drinking game, but I know you don't drink, so you can do shots of fruit juice. The game is more to illustrate the ridiculous repetitiveness and senselessness of the dialogue/story- i.e drink every time a person makes a call, only to say they're too busy to talk (so why did you call?).

    Seriously Mark, this movie is a thing of beauty. The same man wrote, directed, funded, and starred in it, so that should tell you something. He replaces a character halfway through the movie. He uses unnecessary stock shots of San Francisco, to remind you that yes, this movie is still in the same city it's been in the whole film.

    Tommy Wiseau, the aforementioned writer, director, moneybags, and star, is making money off this film because it's developing such a cult following. You should be in on the joke, Mark. Unlike My Immortal, you won't regret this.

  37. Nadège says:

    Ha, I knew it! Completely understandable btw, this is fucking torture, I'm sure no one blames you for giving up.

  38. Jamie S says:

    I tried to just read the tv tropes page for My Immortal, and could not even get through that. I am enjoying these reviews. (I really shouldn't be, but I can't help it. Your outrage is hilarious.) But I am totally on board with this one being the last.

    Yay Golden Compass is returning!

  39. Kelly says:

    Hot Topic is emo lite. Like if you want to give into the emo craze but don't want to actually be emo, you shop there. I used to buy Halloween costumes there and occasionally a belt or a hat when we had to do dress up nights at work (I was a bartender in a nightclub) No one I knew ever seriously shopped there.

    • qwopisinthemailbox says:

      I don't consider myself emo (i don't think i could be if i tried), but i do like shopping there, because i like the Tripp pants (whoa comfy), the funny t-shirts, and the anime items. they're expensive however, so i don't buy much from them.

  40. Kelly says:

    So excited you're going back to Golden Compass! You needed to save your brain cells anyway, I'm pretty sure finishing My Immortal would be the same as doing PCP, Heroin, Cocaine, and Ecstasy all in the space of ten minutes. Bravo for struggling through as much as you did though.

  41. elyce says:

    You made it further than I did the first time! I think I stopped around chapter 18 because I just couldn't take it anymore. It's funny at first but then you just feel like every word is killing your brain cells.

  42. Sadie says:

    MARK! Your suffering has not been in vain, because, having reached Chapter 17, you can now experience this:

    Seriously, this video CHEERS ME UP WHEN I AM SAD.

    That's how hilarious it is.

  43. arctic_hare says:

    Hey, like I said, I didn't vote for this, because I wanted you to do something fun! 🙁 And I LOVE HDM, so I'm very happy you're throwing in the towel and going back to that. JESUS CHRIST, THIS SHIT IS BAD, I DON'T BLAME YOU. I DON'T EVEN WANT TO KNOW WHAT WORD THAT IS THAT YOU REFUSED TO TYPE, BUT I CAN GUESS. SO MUCH HATE. UGH.

    It'll be okay. Armored bears and Lyra and daemons and general awesome tomorrow. It'll be so much sweeter after this dreck.

  44. @mariami says:


    I'm so happy I've been dying without any Golden Compass reviews.

  45. lilygirl says:

    You tried Mark. I know that one wants to live up to their promises but really, would you eat a 5 lb cheeseburger dipped in sauce and battered and deep-fried? No one would and no one should ever expect you to. You stepped up and actually ate some the foul thing, that is enough. You and some of the rest of us need some fresh air, quinoa, and sweet berries.
    Life is short and there are too many wonderful things out there. I need to go gargle again.

  46. alexamarie0813 says:

    awe, you didn't get to the part where marty mcfly comes in D:
    regardless, i'm kind of glad you stopped. this story is brain melting.

  47. xkcdhobbes says:

    Oh my God!!! Chapter 33: "I to[o]k some photons of him[…]"! This cannot not be a troll. Hahaha! Best line ever though.

  48. @IAmNidoking says:

    Anyone who holds it against you that you couldn't get any farther than this is a horrible, horrible person, and their opinion should be ignored. I thought if anyone could read this story, it would be the guy who managed to read every bit of the Twilight series, but there are just some things the human brain was not meant to comprehend.

    Then again, I sometimes join a group of friends in browsing the crossovers on FFnet just to see what horrors we can discover. There's a Twilight/Beavis and Butthead crossover out there.

    • arctic_hare says:

      That… actually sounds like it could be an IMPROVEMENT on the canon. If only because Daria got her start on B&B and thus could be pulled in for some brilliant snark.

  49. Minish says:

    Best sex scene ever:

    "He pot his wetnes in my u-know-what sexily. I gut an orgy. "Oh Draco!111111!1 Oh mi fuking gud Draco!1111" I screemed passively as he got an eructation* ."

    Yep. Pretty sure that's how sex works.

  50. Kandy Kane says:

    You are a brave, brave man. I could only read the first paragraph because the spelling is so terrible. I'll take a misspelling or two, because every one makes typos. But that whole story is a typo.

    However, these reviews are just as funny as the Twilight ones. I'm still a fan and I will still pimp your blog. Go back to TGC. Thanks for the laughs. And props to you for trying. You rock!

  51. arctic_hare says:

    Or, if it's troll. she googled it to make fun of gratuitous Japanese in fanfics.

    I would definitely believe this, seeing as I remember quite clearly how often that used to happen in anime fanfic. It might still, but I wouldn't know; I haven't read any in years and my exposure to the ones where that would pop up was through MSTings and a lot of people stopped really doing those, so… yeah.

    • Vikinhaw says:

      Oh it still happens. I'm not a big fanfic reader but occasionally (especially if a show I love has just ended and so has my world) I go searching for some. The amount of san, chan, neko and kawaii I've seen. I was reading a FullMetal Alchemist one recently where everyone was (name) san which might be appropriate if it was set in Japan but it's set in turn of the century pseudo-Europe.

      I've seen people do this in real life too.

      • arctic_hare says:

        Oh, good fucking grief. *facepalm* I'm not surprised, though. Some things never change. Sheeeeeesh, that's bringing back memories of Slayers fanfic where the honorifics especially came fast and furious… and it's not even set on Earth, it's a fantasy world. But, that's the more silly/ignorant branch of anime fans for you, the kind that think they can learn the language just from watching the subs, and will stick it into fics that are otherwise in their native language of English…

      • @65dgs says:

        I think that in fairness to sub watchers who use honorifics, we might want to at least acknowledge that they (sometimes including me) often hear/see the character referred to as 'name-honorific' many many times to the point where suddenly using just the name without the honorific can feel really odd, even wrong.

        • Vikinhaw says:

          I suppose thats true. It's just jarring for me to hear it in English or in a non-Japanese setting. Although it can be done well like in the Ouran dub.

          Though I don't think that the author of that particular fic was going for that since the honorifics used were neither the ones used in story (subs/dubs/original Japanese) nor were they appropriate in the situation. Everyone was -san, even a higher-ranking officer addressing his subordinate.

      • @Nycteridae says:

        Actually, even official translations of anime and manga are using honorifics now. They're not just superfluous Japanese, they're an untranslatable part of how the characters interact with each other.

        When I was in an anime fandom, it was one set in Japan, and I did use honorifics in my fics. I didn't write FMA fic, and if I had I don't know if I would have used honorifics or not–it's in the source material, though it could be considered a "double babelfish," so I think it's a stylistic choice and neither is completely wrong. I did loathe all the "Eddo" and "Aru" I saw in FMA fandom, though. THAT is a double babelfish.

        My style guide for anime fanfics has always been to use only Japanese words that don't have a good English equivalent and are culturally relevant, such as religious or mythological terms (especially important to me to avoid conflating them with Christian/Western concepts), items common in Japan that just don't exist in Western culture, such as tatami mats, or specific articles of Japanese clothing, and so on. I wouldn't use "kawaii" because "cute" gets the job done, and there's no point in "neko" when there's already an English word for "cat." I would say "bakeneko", which literally means "monster cat," but is the name of a creature in Japanese folklore, and the English Wikipedia page is under "bakeneko" rather than "monster cat."

        I don't think there is anything wrong with using Japanese words when you are writing fanfic of a Japanese source material. If done correctly, it is to represent the culture as respectfully as possible, rather than to show off that you are so cool because you know a smattering of Japanese words.

  52. t09yavorski says:

    As a student of German I could direct you to a few kids who could butcher the language beautifully if you need it. I might even count as one since it has been a while since I have practiced.

    • Tilja says:

      Same here. I could give also good examples of language torture beautifully/horrifically made especially by the newer generation. To anyone being fanatic of something, it can always be annoying anything that doesn't give their ideals the same meaning they give them.

  53. TRVA says:

    I wish you had spaced out the My Immortal reviews, like one a week, with Golden Compass around that. That way you could make it through the series without getting overwhelmed and you wouldn't have people complaining about the Golden Compass interruption.

    I only discovered My Immortal a month or so ago, so it can be absolutely hilarious to read without the "You had to be there when it was posted" factor. I think the best way to do it is to read aloud with friends, reading this fic aloud just seems to heighten the absurdity and hilarity.

  54. doesntsparkle says:

    Good try. This is as far as I made it with this Masterpiece.

    EDIT: Has anyone actually finished this?

  55. @maybegenius says:

    You made it a fair amount farther than I did, my friend. I was laughing at about the first seven chapters, and then I just kept getting more upset and sad about the self-injury/suicide/rape/pedophilia shit. Joke or not, not funny.


  56. Phoebe says:

    Congrats, I'm surprised you even got this far!

  57. fantasylover120 says:

    It's okay Mark. Golden Compass and watching Avatar will make it all better. I personally applaud you for even attempting this. I got as far as the summary and that was enough for me.

  58. pennylane27 says:

    Oh my Rowling. Why wasn't I aware this existed? It is the most hilarious thing I have ever read. Siriusly, I read the three reviews and burst in laughter several times. And though I understand why you give up, I read the next few chapters (just for kicks, you know) and you missed this precious gem: if ur a homophone den fuk of and the author mixing up Filch and Mrs. Norris ("Filth" is the cat and "Mr. Norris" is the janitor.) IT IS PURE BRILLIANCE.

    Anyway YAY MORE LYRA!

  59. pennylane27 says:

    Okay okay I take it back. This shit is awful. In just one "chapter" I got trivialization of rape and Alzheimer's, plus an entire paragraph dedicated to what six different people are wearing. WHAT IS THIS I DON'T EVEN

  60. Callie says:

    I honestly can't blame you for not finishing this. I couldn't finish reading this myself, so I just watched Bennett the Sage's dramatic reading. I sincerely hope that this was just a trollfic, because if it wasn't, I would weep for the future of humanity.

  61. pennylane27 says:

    It's like watching a train-wreck. I cannot stop reading. The spelling is getting worse, the sentences make even less sense, Draco is "hung like a stallone" and Snape has a "Dork Mark on his you-know-wut!11!" and he's going to rape Draco (FFFFFFFFUUUUUUU) and now she's going back in time to seduce Voldemort (WHAT) and then "Tom Bombodil" appears?
    I'm sorry, but if this girl hasn't read all the Harry Potter books, how does she know about Tom Bombadil? My brain. It hurts. But I can't stop.

  62. Danielle says:

    Congratulations, you made it a lot farther than most people including myself. Apparently, her friend Raven was acting as her editor so when they have a fight, Raven stops proofreading and anything resembling English disappears as well. Remember kids, proofreading is your friend!

    I know a lot of people say this is troll fic and it very well could be, but I did teach middle school and high school English up until about two years ago. I've had students who write like this (a minority thankfully).

    • Partes says:

      No way, really? That bad? I mean, I typed like crap when I was fourteen but never like that. I even intentionally made my spelling worse to fit in with my friends of MSN (cringing at that memory brb) but even then…

      • Kiryn says:

        Yes, there really are people who are that bad. I'm not a teacher, but I was a Teacher's Aid in my senior year of high school, and the teacher taught Gate English II and AP Lit, and sometimes he had me look over his sophomores' short essay answers. I nearly stabbed my eyes out. Of course, the teacher thought that the expression on my face was absolutely hilarious, and it was then that I came to the conclusion that I simply do not have the patience to become a teacher.

    • Brieana says:

      I'm with you. Maybe it could be a troll, but it's entirely possible that she could have been that bad of a writer.
      And in addition to her fight with her proofreading friend, maybe she realized that she got more attention because her story was so bad. So she maybe she started off only accidentally being atrocious but then started doing some of it on purpose as the project went on.

  63. RJM says:

    I'm only sad you never got to the part where she explained that Voldemort's past self was Tom Bombadil.

    Brave heart, Mark. You got farther than many a curious reader.

  64. @Leenessface says:

    loooooooool so great.

    Here you go.


  65. simplefaith says:

    *applause* You got farther than I did, that's for damn sure. [Lupin]*gives chocolate*[/Lupin]
    How many chapters did this fic get to before it stopped, anyway?

  66. Alan713ch says:

    Wow, I actually never read this, only the TVTropes page… and it was awful. AWFUL. Thank god you are going back to the Golden Compass!!!!

  67. Randomcheeses says:

    Don't worry, no one blames you for leaving this one aside. We prefer you with your sanity intact, so that you can review fun things like the Golden Compass, Avatar and Doctor Who.

  68. qwopisinthemailbox says:

    "I’m going back to The Golden Compass tomorrow to wash my mouth of this awful taste left behind."
    Thank the Lord! I was worried because i thought your brain was actually going to break if you read too much. I am seriously sorry that i suggested this, i really thought that someone would come up with a better suggestion. While it was funny when it lasted, i am incredibly glad that you're stopping.
    I feel like i should do something to make it up to you, but i can't think of what you would like, if anything…
    I'm sorry Mark.

  69. "I’m going back to The Golden Compass tomorrow" Giant sigh of relief. Poor Mark's brain cells.

  70. pennylane27 says:

    There's a drinking game! I wish I had seen that before finishing THE WHOLE THING. MY BRAIN IS STILL VOMITING.

    • cait0716 says:

      I saw that; it looks fatal. Even people who did it with water report vomiting and not making it all the way through. I'm all for a good drinking game, but this one frightens me

    • qwopisinthemailbox says:

      Doesn't that page suggest not to use hard liquor, water, and to use only half the rules?
      oh, it says to be aware of alcohol/water poisoning, and you won't make it past the halfway mark. i think this is my favorite TvTropes page, beat only by the Psychonauts, Sweet Dreams Fuel, and Schmuck bait pages.

    • Hyatt says:

      …why do people torture themselves so? At least nobody's died yet.

  71. giga_pudding says:

    So are you going with plan B then? The choice I mentioned?
    The Hayao Miyazaki collection films?

  72. Toph13139 says:


    Wow… I can't believe you even began! You're so BRAVE! Sadly, I read through it all, and well, there's a part in which the author's account gets hacked and that person writes a good ending for it. It was fucking hilarious.



  73. Manself says:

    Awwww. But some of the most hilariously fucked up stuff is yet to come! Hedwig as a human having gay sex with Tom Riddle, the Marauders forming a band, time travel (Marty McFly even makes a cameo!), Dumbledore wearing a Hilary Duff robe, and, of course, the big cliffhanger at the end that is preceded by an orgy and Ebony and friends watching a shark movie.

    I seriously don't blame you for stopping, though. Maybe I'm just strange, but My Immortal gives me uncontrollable giggles whenever I read it instead of rage. The idea that humanity is capable of producing something so ridiculous just seems like proof of our worth of existence. We may destroy our environment and each other, but, dammit, we can make some pretty terrible shit.

  74. Tilja says:

    Someone with the mentality of this figure can always find a way to insert the fashion into the butchery. Apparently, goffs are very good at this.

    I think you can very well disturb the most hard core fascists with the kind of rotten ideas of this woman. But I was thinking about Hitler himself as a receptor of this in his own time and the riddance we could have from his melting brain to our history.

  75. Adam D. Bram says:

    Yeah, even I was getting depressed at the existence of this….thing.

    I've been looking forward to more GC since last week. Finally! Something I've read that you didn't write about before I found this place and I can follow as its written! Woo!

    Let us never speak of this….thing…ever again.

  76. Billie says:

    I am five million times happy for the return of The Golden Compass. And you are five million times brave/awesome for reading as much as you did.

  77. Inzhuna says:

    Even though some of Avril's songs are nice, I've hated her since I'd read an interview years ago where she said books were boring and 'Borat' was the funniest movie she's ever seen in her life. >_>

    And YAY to going back to Golden Compass! Can't wait!

  78. slynn6776 says:

    Mark, I think you're making the right decision in stopping here. I'm amazed you made it this far. I don't think I ever got past chapter three. I am going to miss the laughs these reviews gave me, but since they seem to be coming at the expense of your sanity, I'm happy you're quitting.

    Also, I plan on stealing "Statistically, that is hard to accept" from you and use it in life as much as possible.

  79. Tyler says:

    Oh Mark!!! You have no idea how happy you've just made me!! I was so depressed when I found out on Monday that you had paused on The Golden Compass, and to now find out that you are stopping this nonsense of fanfiction and continuing with the book. I am so looking forward to tomorrow so much more than I was earlier!! You rock Mark!! Keep on rocking and have a great rest of your bike riding!! Ride safely!!

  80. Silverilly says:

    also let us hope it’s Cedric for extra irony.
    I love you so dearly.


  81. Kiryn says:

    Oh, it's based off of the Shoebox Project? Then I'll have to wait to read that, because I haven't had time to finish reading SP yet.

    Rest assured that I will read it though, because OMG REMUS/SIRIUS FTW!

  82. ferriswheeljunky says:

    Reading German YouTube comments is like trying to decipher code for me. Especially if they're on Oktoberfest songs and people are writing in full-on phonetic Bayerisch…

  83. Danielle says:

    "I’m going back to The Golden Compass tomorrow to wash my mouth of this awful taste left behind."

    Oh, thank FUCK.

  84. Ash says:

    Good. You’ve found it’s one saving grace, and earlier that intended by the author at that, it stops.

  85. flootzavut says:

    I'm looking forward to the return to Pullman – for a while your reviews of this were hysterical (you have no idea how much I needed a laugh yesterday) but this was getting painful today and I was actually relieved when you said you were giving up. Someone who's read the whole Twilight Saga should not be subjected to this shit too!

  86. flootzavut says:

    It's a bit of a shame because some words (kawaii springs to mind) are such great words and then they get spoiled. (I always thought kawaii was just a better name for the concept than anything we have in English)

  87. Brieana says:

    Dammit, why didn't I see the typo before I hit send. Five straight days of NO TGC reviews is what I meant.
    But I'm trying not to get angsty/whiny here. Excited for what the rest of the week may or may not hold.

  88. I'm just glad you've survived this far. I'm glad you're stopping here, My Immortal is just straight up painful to read.

  89. Dena says:

    I kind of think you should get a medal for making it that far. My Immortal is sort of a fandom benchmark of awful, I think, and it turned into the thing that Everyone Knows About, and you can mention it in pretty much any HP fandom context, and people will know what you mean. But to me it's the kind of thing you can skim and laugh at and headdesk at its existence. . . but if you actually have to READ it chapter by chapter. . . yeah. It's more PAINFUL than funny.

  90. Jaime says:

    Aw. I'm gonna be honest here I'm kinda a bit disappointed. I know this story is horrible beyond all imagining and I'm proud that you made it as far as you did when lesser people have passed out but I haven't enjoyed myself so much in a long time as I do watching you suffer through it, lol. Maybe you can have another go at it once your brain has healed enough? I enjoy watching you suffer I know. 😀

  91. sabra_n says:

    I think that things are much more fun all around when you're enjoying yourself, Mark, so I'm glad you decided to cut off the suffering and go back to the awesomeness of HDM. 🙂

  92. Anonymouse says:

    Ok, this girl has no concept of continuity
    First, DRACO COMMITTED SUICIDE IN THE LAST CHAPTER!!! He can't take you to the MCR concert if he's dead. For another thing, MCR was formed in 2001 (trust me, I looked this up) and Draco Malfoy was at Hogwarts from 1992-1999 (the Potters died on Halloween, 1981). Nobody at Hogwarts would be an MCR fan, it's a physical impossibility. Then, Willow/Raven is also dead/expelled, but still shows up in later chapters. And Tom Riddle and Voldemort exist at the same time. Also, Ebony joins a band with the Marauders, Voldemort, and Hagrid, who for some reason are all at Hogwarts at the same time. And… yeah.

    I'm really pleased you made it this far. Here's a quick summary of the rest of the story:
    Enoby wears more clothes, and has sex with Draco again. Willow comes back, more "preps" get the middle finger.
    Then Ebony uses a pensieve to go back in time to seduce Tom Riddle before he becomes Lord Voldemort, and becomes the lead singer in a goff band with James, Sirius, Voldemort, Hagrid, and a couple other people. There's also a cameo from Marty McFly, Tom Bombadil, Tom Anderson, Darth Vader, and Satan. In the last chapter there's a gunfight which ends in someone, I think it's Ebony, using the "Abra Kedabra" curse. Also, Dumbledore's iPod turns into the DeLorean in the most fucked up Dues Ex Machina ever introduced to the internet.

    That is why no one blames you for giving up. Although I am sorry that you didn't make it to Chapter 39, where someone hacks Tara's account and sends Ebony to hell… I was excited for you to read that.

    Also, Diabolo is Ron. He and Ginny are coincidentally no longer Weasleys, but are actually either Crabbe or Goyles siblings who were kidnapped at birth and horribly abused and are now goffik,because There Are No Therapists… or something? Really, How did you miss that?

  93. Integrity1584 says:

    Since you're stopping here, this is a list of things that you will miss out on:
    – Raven gets back into the author's good graces
    – Tom Riddle is accidentally referred to as Tom Bombodil
    – "crying limpid tears"
    – Draco's eructation (which does in fact come after mastication)
    – Professor Sinister becomes addicted to Voldemortserum
    – Drinking blood mixed with beer during Cornelio Fuck's class
    – Hugging in a gothic way
    – Marty McFly's time machine
    – Someone hacks her account and writes Chapter 38, which you really must read.
    – "this wouldn't be called the 'worst fanfic ever' if not for the fact that the writing standards meets the level of a day old fetus…"
    And that's all you need.

  94. Beci says:

    You may have already seen this, (and I'm going to tweet you also with it) but this should be watched by all those who even remotely care about humor and bad fan fiction.
    [youtube UA_VSQqn32M youtube]

  95. kingslayer says:

    <object width="425" height="349"><param name="movie" value=";hl=en_US&amp;rel=0"></param><param name="allowFullScreen" value="true"></param><param name="allowscriptaccess" value="always"></param><embed src=";hl=en_US&amp;rel=0&quot; type="application/x-shockwave-flash" width="425" height="349" allowscriptaccess="always" allowfullscreen="true"></embed></object>

  96. Roxanne says:

    But no, no, no, no, no! I HAVE NOT LAUGHED THIS HARD FOREVER. These reviews have been making me laugh so hard my stomach hurt.

  97. Kelly L says:

    You made it farther than I ever would have. Bravo.

  98. duckrebel says:

    Honestly, having you read and review My Immortal was simply cruel. I read the first "chapter," gave up, and listened to it read by three Scottish guys on youtube. Which was hilarious… at first. Eventually they just started saying "wha… I don't even care anymore." after every other line. It was rather depressing.

    I'm actually kind of relieved you stopped because that means I don't have to keep reading it.

  99. lastyearswishes says:

    Can't say I blame you for quitting, you got farther than I ever did!

  100. Kristen says:

    Well Mark, you tried, which is better than what many people can say. The first time I attempted to read this, I gave up maybe a chapter more, and my sister (who I was reading it with) has vowed never again to attempt it.

    I then attempted it as a pilgrimage towards the proper use of the English language, and completed it only after many, many attempts to yell and make the story make sense. Unfortunately, there is no SHIT GOT REAL moments, just a lot of pain. And absurdity. And occasionally things that inspired craziness because you can't deal with either, and insanity is the best coping method left.

    For the lulz, go and check out encyclopedia dramatica's article on My Immortal (link is here : ). It mercilessly bags out My Immortal in a funny way. Maybe that will help?

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