Mark Reads ‘The Hobbit’: Chapter 7

In the seventh chapter of The Hobbit, Bilbo and the group face even more horrors beyond the Misty Mountains. Intrigued? Then it’s time for Mark to read The Hobbit.


Bilbo’s Hate List

  • Waking up and believing it is time to put the kettle on, but discovering that I am missing out breakfast because a bunch of goddamn dwarves have eaten most of it.
  • Remembering that I am traveling with dwarves.
  • Remembering that I am nowhere near home.
  • Remembering that I cannot eat the following: toast, or bacon.
  • Remembering that I cannot have a cup of tea.
  • Flying on eagles. No.
  • Not having baths.
  • Gandalf abandoning me. πŸ™
  • Gandalf getting mad at me for calling Beorn a furry. Oops, I mean furrier.
  • Having to travel through Beorn’s bee-pastures. I am a mere hobbit! I cannot handle a bee sting from such monstrous insects!
  • Having to meet Beorn before anyone else.
  • That first meal at Beorn’s house having to end.
  • The dwarves deciding to sing in the middle of the night.
  • Any sounds outside that are not the same sounds as acorns falling.
  • Waking up to the dwarves having consumed most of breakfast.
  • Being on an adventure that does not consist of only going from one hobbit-hole to another.
  • Seeing bears following the group in the forest.
  • Gandalf actually abandoning me. Why must he leave?

Thorin’s Hate List

  • The mighty Gandalf should not leave my gang of dwarves, because he has provided an invaluable and gallant service to our mighty group.
  • It is also possible that I know piss-all what to do next. The mighty Thorin Oakenshield can admit this!
  • Carrying the hobbit. I have not had the chance to carry this meager companion, but I already dread the day!
  • Must the wizard Gandalf take us to see the most irritable and irascible creature who has ever lived?
  • I am tiring of the ridiculous antics of this “Gandalf,” if that is even his name anymore. We have to come in pairs? Every five minutes? I am thinking that “Gandalf” simply enjoys disturbing the dwarf mind.
  • This Beorn character is a bit much for Thorin Oakenshield. Must he be so angry all of the time?
  • Surely Gandalf could wait to blow smoke rings until after he tells us where in Bilbo’s name has Beorn gone, right?
  • Blasted Beorn, you dare meet with the wargs we so gloriously defeated the day before?
  • HOW DARE BEORN NOT TRUST US. It’s not like we didn’t trust him when we first met him!
  • Thorin Oakenshield would not tire if he merely remained in Beorn’s great hall! Why must our journey be so treacherous?
  • The great Gandalf will rue the day we meet again after he departed from our noble journey! What could possibly be more important than assisting the great Thorin Oakenshield?

Bombur’s Hate List

  • Gandalf called me the fattest. πŸ™ πŸ™ πŸ™

Beorn’s Hate List

  • Who are these creatures at my door?
  • Why does this wizard expect me to know who he is?
  • Why should I care about the goblins?
  • This better be a good story or I’m eating me some Gandalf and Bilbo for dinner.
  • Oh, this Gandalf is a goddam liar. He is lying to me.
  • Oh, great, some fucking dwarves. I could not ask for anything more useless than a bunch of self-important dwarves.
  • Okay, maybe Thorin isn’t that bad, but why the hell are these creatures here?
  • OH. More dwarves. This is what I wanted.
  • When I ask the universe to give me what I want, I get more dwarves. I don’t know what I’ve done to deserve this.
  • These dwarves are rude little shits. I am trying to get Gandalf to finish this goddamn story and they insist on talking about “servicing” me. Who do they think I am?
  • They had ponies. I am starting to believe this is all a clever ruse to see how far they can go before I roast them all alive.
  • Did you know I wanted more dwarves? No? Well, I got them!
  • Who the fuck does Gandalf think he is? TELL ME THIS STORY I NEED TO KNOW HOW IT ENDS. This episodic bullshit has to stop.
  • How can a wizard not count? Doesn’t he need to make potions and shit?
  • If this is a set up for an endless parade of dwarves to enter my house, I’m going to start murdering without judgment.
  • Okay, that was actually a good story, and I hate that I enjoyed it so much.


I do not normally amend these style of reviews, but SERIOUSLY. BEORN. MY HERO. Holy shit I LOVE THIS CHARACTER FOREVER AND EVER. He’s just so bitter and angry and impatient and it is a beautiful, beautiful thing. This chapter is HILARIOUS, even if Tolkien didn’t really intend on that, and I love the structure of it.


About Mark Oshiro

Perpetually unprepared since '09.
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145 Responses to Mark Reads ‘The Hobbit’: Chapter 7

  1. ElisabethMK says:

    Hahaha. I like how Thorin's talking in third person for about half the list. So true.

    Really enjoying reading along with you! I waited until the last minute to go to class so I could read your review and now I have to go oops byeeeeeee.

    • Mary Sue says:

      Thorin Oakenshield is dwarf enough to refer to himself in third person. He would even invent the fourth person just so he could talk about himself in it.

  2. bookworm67 says:

    Love the new format! Poor Bombur, he deserves all the hugs πŸ™ IT'S OKAY TO BE CHUBBY AS LONG AS YOU'RE HUGGABLE!

    • cait0716 says:

      For some reason that line makes me picture Bombur as being literally as fat as two dwarves put together. Like Fili and Kili (who are the skinniest in my head, don't ask me why) could stand side by side behind him and be completely hidden. I'm sure Bombur is very cuddly, though.

      • Elexus Calcearius says:

        I get the sense that if I cuddled any of the dwarves, they'd smash me with an ax, or at least grumble a lot.

      • nanceoir says:

        I think the i's and l's in Fili's and Kili's names, being all vertical and thin, make us think of long streaks of nothing, you know (dwarf nothing), and add to the impression that they're the skinniest.

        Also, isn't one of them the youngest? Not that we're given (I don't think) a real idea of the age, but it kind of makes me think of them as sort of that teenage, all-limbs gangly.

        Wow, I didn't realize I had thoughts on that. Neat!

        • notemily says:

          Both of them are referred to as being "younger" by Gandalf. Who knows what that means in dwarf years, though.

          • Tauriel_ says:

            According to LOTR Appendix (I don't think this is a spoiler, just extra background information), Fili is 82 and Kili is 77 during the events of The Hobbit. This is pretty young for Dwarves, as they often reach the age of 200 and more (unless they're killed in a battle, of course).

            For reference, Thorin is 195 during the events of The Hobbit, Balin is 178, Dwalin is 169, Oin is 167 and Gloin is 158. I don't have the ages of the rest of the Dwarves, I'm afraid…

    • Lauren says:

      I always reassure my chubby friends that they're way more huggable and fun to draw than skinny people! If I started drawing fanart for this book I'd probably just end up drawing Bombur all over my notes.

  3. @threeparts says:

    I will fully admit to crushing on Beorn something wicked. Big, hairy, grumpy men that are literally BEARS? UNF.

    • earis the istarwen says:

      Get in line.

    • Alexis says:

      When I read the scene about the bears gathering in the woods, as a queer individual, I had to think to myself, "I do not think I am picturing what Tolkien intended…."
      It was a pretty fantastic scene in my imagination

      • threerings says:

        Well the chapter IS called "Queer Lodgings." πŸ˜€

        • Tauriel_ says:

          I might be wrong, but I believe at the time The Hobbit was written "queer" only meant "strange".

          • stefb says:

            No, you're right.

          • Genny_ says:

            Not necessarily. People argue a lot over when 'queer' started to have its modern connotations, and some estimates apparently go waaay back to the late 1800s/early 1900s. Not that it means anything, of course, but it's kinda funny.

            • Tauriel_ says:

              Well, English is not my first language, nor have I ever studied its history extensively πŸ™‚ but I understood that "queer" as a synonym for "homosexual" became most common in the decades after WW2…

              • Genny_ says:

                Trust me, having done both makes it no easier to understand at all, hah. English is a ridiculous language.

                It might be that there's two different theories, or it might be that pre-WWII it was only sometimes used to mean gay, and the meaning picked up steam after WWII. Or it could have fallen in and out of fashion.

                …Dammit, now I'm going to spend all night reading up on this, I can feel it. XD

                • Tauriel_ says:

                  Oh, I'm sorry to have caused this… πŸ˜€

                • MaggieCat says:

                  I haven't done any research into it anytime recently, but I think the most common/rational theory I've heard in the past is that:

                  1. 'Queer' had it's original meaning of 'unusual'.

                  2. The word came to be used as a term for non-traditional, non-heteronormative relationships within the community, but primarily kept it's original meaning at large for the rest of society that was still trying to pretend they didn't exist.

                  3. The word entered general parlance as a synonym with meaning (2) when society at large finally got a clue and realized there needed to be a word that wasn't hateful or annoyingly clinical to refer to people it applied to, and someone had the bright idea to maybe ask what some of those people might prefer to be called or how they thought of themselves. (Politeness!)

                  Which explains why there's a huge disconnect during the middle part of the twentieth century where the old usage is still quite common but the newer usage also has documented use, leading to random snickering when a modern reader comes across the former and initially thinks of the latter.

                  • Genny_ says:

                    Ahhh, that makes a lot of sense! This is fascinating to me, because it means that a lot of the rise of the word 'queer' originally didn't actually exist as an insult, which it obviously came to be later, and then we get its eventual reclamation.

                    Thanks for this! And yeah, I think this is one of the words which is most effective in showing how massively and how *quickly* the meanings of words can change.

                  • Tauriel_ says:

                    This explanation does make a lot of sense. Thanks! πŸ™‚

                    And it proves that every piece of older literature should be always read in the context of its time, I guess…

    • Andrew says:


  4. earis the istarwen says:


    No lie, Beorn might be my ideal man. Or at least my Middle-Earth boyfriend. <3 <3 <3

    Mark, you are as unprepared as Bilbo!

  5. knut_knut says:

    bahaha everyone in this chapter is filled with so much anger and hate (minus Gandalf because he is the King Troll)

    BEORN! <3 in my mind he's Ron Swanson and Hagrid's animorphing love child. WHY ISN'T HE REAL?!

    • cait0716 says:

      But Beorn and Ron Swanson would have had such an epic falling-out when Beorn came out as a vegetarian. Ron Swanson just wouldn't be able to accept that this didn't make his son less of a man.

    • earis the istarwen says:

      Although this is the chapter where we learn how to be polite to eagles.
      "May the wind under your wings bear you where the sun sails and the moon walks."
      Quite nice, actually!

    • monkeybutter says:

      lol Ron Swanson/Hagrid is my new OTP!

  6. Jenny_M says:

    I'm pretty sure it's intentionally hilarious. The idea of this big bear dude getting more and more "WTF" about all the dwarves coming in, and Gandalf, well…totally trolling him. That is just funny. (Seriously, Gandalf: more trollier than most trolls.)

  7. Ryan Lohner says:

    “I am tiring of the ridiculous antics of this Ò€œGandalf,Ò€ if that is even his name anymore.”

    Reminds me of one of my favorite lines from the LOTR Rifftrax: “Lrf, gung vf bar bs zl frireny uhaqerq anzrf.”

  8. cait0716 says:

    Beorn is pretty awesome, I'm so glad you like him!

    And in Bilbo's increasing BAMFness, he noticed the bear that was following them even though none of the dwarves did. Perhaps they should use him as a lookout

  9. bearshorty says:

    This style of review was hysterical. If I was smiling at Bilbo's and Thorin's hate lists (because seriously how dare the dwarves just eat breakfast and Thorin is pretentious), I was laughing loudly at Beorn's. I don't know how I would react if more and more dwarves were appearing and a wizard just wouldn't get to the end of the story. And Gandalf just figures out how to impose on a dude with a not a friendly to guests reputation.

    Illustration to Chapter 7:

    <img src="–8/Tq1K2TDjYUI/AAAAAAAAAXQ/eYNIowfcR8Q/s512/DSCN1073.JPG&quot; alt="beorn" border="1" height="300"/>

  10. Radgast says:

    Yay, Radagast gets mentioned! Obviously, this is relevant to my interests. πŸ˜‰

    • Radagast says:

      And I have just now noticed I've been misspelling my username here. Oh, the shame…

    • Tauriel_ says:

      Bu zna, V sbetbg ur jnf zragvbarq va gur Uboovg…

      Vg’f nyfb shaal ubj Tnaqnys pnyyf uvz uvf “pbhfva” – vg vf gehr, va n frafr, fvapr nyy Vfgnev jrer Znvne, jub jrer gur yrffre Nvahe gung qrfpraqrq vagb Γƒβ€Ήn ng gur ortvaavat bs gur Jbeyq – naq fvapr nyy Nvahe jrer gur bssfcevatf bs Vyúingne’f zvaq, bar pbhyq fnl gung gurl’er “eryngrq” (rira gubhtu gur grez qbrfa’g unir gur fnzr zrnavat gung nccyvrf gb bgure enprf, fvapr culfvpny sbez vf cerggl zhpu bcgvbany sbe gur Inyne naq Znvne).

  11. tethysdust says:

    Somehow the awesomeness of Beorn's house didn't make a deep impression when I read this as a kid. I mean, I remembered Beorn and the way they sorta tricked him into helping them, but I didn't remember how incredibly cool his living place is. Infinite honey and happy bees flying around fields of flowers, his house that seems like outside at night but is really indoors, all his animal friends that he can talk with… really sounds like a very pleasant place.

    We are still keeping up with at least one new type of creature per chapter. Wargs and Eagles last chapter, a skin-changer for this one! I'm pretty sure it was meant to be a funny chapter, and I'm sure you noticed how it kind of paralleled the way all the dwarves came to Bilbo's house (I think Bilbo may have mentioned that explicitly, but I don't remember). Also, I can only imagine Gandalf's irritation. I get the impression that he was just planning on helping Thorin & Co. get their group together, traveling in the same direction for a while, and then splitting off. Instead, the dwarves are all ridiculously dependent on him and seem to nearly die (or lose all their supplies) almost immediately whenever he isn't there!

  12. pennylane27 says:

    I love this chapter. Gandalf is really clever, playing Beorn like that. Also I might have a little crush on Beorn. Fb fnq gung ur'f arire rira zragvbarq va YBGE.

    But Mirkwood! No Gandalf! Mark, your unpreparedness rivals with Bilbo's when he left his hobbit-hole.

  13. stellaaaaakris says:

    This is my image of Beorn:
    <img src=""&gt;

    I'm not entirely sure what's in his right hand, but Beorn certainly needs a pink umbrella. But Hagrid never told us he was an Animagus! He can turn into a gigantic bear, which is too awesome.

    Gandalf story makes me giggle like nothing else. "1 or 2…or 14 of my friends were strolling through the woods…" He's such a troll. But he's quite mean to Bombur. πŸ™ You go ahead and not wait five minutes Bombur, just follow Bofur and Bifur (I think those are their names).

    • Elexus Calcearius says:

      If Beorn's Hagrid, than someone has to explain why he's become so grumpy in this universe. Although, that would explain why all the animals handle the cooking; you do not great guests with Hagrid's rock cakes.

    • nanceoir says:

      I think that's a key in Hagrid's right hand, since he is, of course, Keeper of Keys and Grounds at Hogwarts.

      (Also, the autocorrect on this here Touchpad just changed Hagrid to "Nature," which, while rather appropriate, is slightly baffling.)

    • xpanasonicyouthx says:


    • notemily says:

      Gandalf story makes me giggle like nothing else. "1 or 2…or 14 of my friends were strolling through the woods…" He's such a troll.

      Hee hee, he so is.

  14. spectralbovine's Love List

    This review.

  15. cartoonmoney says:

    This is honestly my new all-time favourite review.

  16. atheistsisters says:

    Hobbit Oregon Trail – I would so play that!

    I cannot wait AT ALL until the movies come out and I can see Richard Armitage doing Thorin – I'll probably die from happiness.

  17. Genny_ says:

    OK, this review is the kind of thing I get the urge to print out and frame and maybe reverently read once a day at dusk or something like that. BEAUTIFUL. Its hilarity rivals that of this chapter, because yeah, this chapter completely cracks me up. It's just so ridiculous! WHAT ARE YOU PEOPLE DOING. Sometimes I wonder how anyone can take this book seriously. (In the best possible way.)

  18. VoldieBeth says:

    Love the review format!! So…

    Mark's Love List:
    ~This chapter!! πŸ™‚

    I can't wait for more!

  19. Elexus Calcearius says:

    *snorts* You made Thorin like the Hulk. Thorin speak in third person! Thorin smash!

    Beorn was pretty awesome: he's like "seriously, I'm awesome, I do what I like". Also, he can become a bear and keeps sentient horses and ponies. That is pretty amazing.

    ….and once again, the Dwarves are pretty mean to Bilbo. No sure how you can travel this long with a guy and not even care for him a leetle bit.

    • readerofprey says:

      No, Thorin speaks in the third person like Ceasar in his memoirs. Because you just know Thorin's like that.

    • notemily says:

      I did an awesome crossword puzzle the other day where all the long clues were about The Hulk's day at the office. Like, the clue would be "HULK SMASH…" and the answer would be "…personal record at minesweeper!" Or the clue was "HULK BREAK…" and the answer is "for coffee!"

      I'm a crossword nerd. Anyway, carry on.

    • Tauriel_ says:

      Thorin should speak in royal plural – "We, Thorin Oakenshield"… After all, he IS of royal Dwarven blood, being descended from Durin himself.

  20. warmouth says:

    I can relate to Bilbo on the "waking up and not finding bacon". Seriously, when the caf here promises bacon and instead they give us sausage(or even candian bacon, yes they've done this bit of trickery) I am pretty much a grump the rest of the morning.

    However, not like riding on eagles? I'd be riding those eagles like a lonely island song.

  21. ravenclaw42 says:

    I kept hearing Thorin's list in a BRIAN BLESSEEEEEED sort of voice, which made this review EVEN BETTER. πŸ˜€ IDK why Thorin and not Beorn, but maybe it's that Thorin comes across as a pompous windbag more often. Oh Thorin, I love you anyway.

    Today we have one of my favorite Hague illustrations (among my top 5, or maybe 3)… for some reason most of my favorites have gorgeous skies in them. I'm deathly afraid of heights, but this picture alone makes me want to ride an eagle. I'm basically as short as a hobbit, so it would be safe, y/y?

    <img src=""&gt;

    <img src=""&gt;

    <img src=""&gt;

    And the eagle-riding looks doubly appealing when faced with a long hike through Mirkwood.

  22. arctic_hare says:

    Two pictures today!

    <img src="; border="0"/>
    <img src="; border="0"/>

    I swear these get more gorgeous by the day. Or something. Really, they're all amazing. <3

    HAHAHA OMG this is a wonderful review, Mark. <3 I love your love for Beorn and the hate lists are hilarious. I love it when you do these alternate styles of reviews. πŸ˜€ Beorn is indeed awesome, he's so damn cranky and I adore it. Prickly characters are a ton of fun, I think. This was probably intended to be a very funny chapter, and it really really is.

  23. settlingforhistory says:

    I love those hate lists! Poor Bombur, I would have understood, if he where the tallest and therefore the most intimidating, but the fattest? That is just so mean. πŸ™

    The way Beorn was exposed to the pairs of dwarfs mirrors the first chapter, where the same thing happened to Bilbo. Did Gandalf tell them to appear one after the other then, too? He certainly seems quite the manipulator. ;P

  24. hallowsnothorcruxes says:

    <img src=" "/>

  25. notemily says:

    Ahahaha, I love how Gandalf introduces the dwarves two by two. At first I was afraid because if Beorn was such a dark-tempered guy, how could he fail to be offended that there were thirteen dwarves that Gandalf had deceived him about? But Bilbo is right, Gandalf was very clever about it, and Beorn seemed more interested in the tale than in the dwarves anyway. Hee.

    OMG, Tolkien, stop talking about honey and cakes and clotted cream and breakfast! This book makes me so HUNGRY. I still need to learn how to cook.

    Somehow it makes a ton of sense that a bear would also be a beekeeper. IT'S THE HUNNY.

    • Marie the Bookwyrm says:

      *Pictures Beorn with his head stuck in a hunny jar*

    • AmandaNekesa says:

      hehehe…yeah I forgot about how Gandalf introduces the dwarves like that, just two at a time. With every bit of his story he finds a way to just casually insert, "oh yeah there were two more of us" each time, as if he forgot how many dwarves were there…there's only, you know, 13 of them!! Sneaky Gandalf.

  26. ChronicReader91 says:

    Hahaha! Nice lists. I especially like Beorn and his frustration over the dwarves coming in little by little. I don’t think Beorn really would have been upset and turned into a bear and killed them all had they come at once- I think the “come in pairs every five minutes thing” was just Gandalf deliberately getting under his skin. Because he’s a troll.

    Wow, I have barely any memory of this chapter from my previous reads at all. Which is really bizarre- a dude who turns into a bear should be pretty darn memorable. o.0

    Poor Bombur. Always getting picked on. πŸ™

    Bye, Gandalf. We will miss your trolling through the rest of the journey.

  27. ChronicReader91 says:

    On an unrelated note, I just looked at your suggestions pages in the first time in a couple of months, and HOLY SHIT. You'll be reading and watching stuff with us ten years from now! Not that I have ANY problem with that. πŸ˜€

  28. fantasylover120 says:

    Beorn is the best thing ever. I hope he's in the upcoming Hobbit film. If there's justice he is.

  29. Vikinhaw says:

    Is it bad that I hated Beorn when I was a kid? On re-reads this was the chapter I skipped. I do love him now but back then he reminded me alot of Gbz Obzonqvy.

    • notemily says:

      Ur'f jnl yrff naablvat guna Obzonqvy. Ur qbrfa'g tb nebhaq fvatvat vanar fbatf naq gnyxvat nobhg ubj cerggl uvf jvsr vf (juvpu onfvpnyyl naablf zr orpnhfr gung frrzf gb or ure bayl shapgvba).

  30. Lyra Laurelluin says:

    Okay so I was wondering why it would be needful to put gngref in rot13, but then I had a very sad thought. It will be a very long time before Mark reads about gur Tnssre pbzcynvavat nobhg Funexrl'f zra qvttvat hc uvf gngref ba Ontfubg Ebj. I do think he will like that bit. I laughed so hard when I read that.

    • notemily says:

      There are so many things that it will take Mark FOREVER to get to and I just want to post all the fanart and gifs and stuff RIGHT NAO and I can't!

      (I particularly can't wait for "Gurl'er Gnxvat gur Uboovgf gb Vfratneq!" naq naq gur guveq cntr bs guvf pbzvp.)

      • AmandaNekesa says:

        Hahaha the 3rd page of that comic is sooo hilarious!

        "Jnvg gurl npghnyyl yrsg zr urer…haoryvrinoyr."

        "bu url ybbx guvf fuveg vf npghnyyl juvgr."

      • Tauriel_ says:

        "Gurl'er Gnxvat gur Uboovgf gb Vfratneq!" <3 <3 <3

        I want to be the first person to post that link. πŸ˜€ I believe there will be a very tough competition for that… πŸ˜€

        • chikzdigmohawkz says:

          I made the mistake of looking up that video last night, and the song's been stuck in my head ever since.

  31. Smurphy says:

    My phone won’t let me sign in and the Internet is down. (but at least we have power)

    Have I mentioned how I don’t like Bilbo?

    Hilarious review. Thank you for that.

    I have a feeling that this chapter is going to be left out of the movie… πŸ™

    • Tauriel_ says:

      Ab, vg'f abg. Orbea vf orvat cynlrq ol Fjrqvfu npgbe Zvxnry Crefoenaqg naq CW fnvq ur'f terng, fb V nz cerggl rkpvgrq. πŸ™‚

  32. stefb says:

    I really do enjoy this chapter, I was giggling the entire time during this reread. It's a nice, peaceful break from the SHEER TERROR that Tolkien has put us through in the previous couple of chapters. Beorn is just fucking awesome, and I knew Mark would love him. Mostly because of his track record for loving giant, animal-loving, hairy men (i.e. Hagrid).

    I love the format of this review–I think by this point, you could make at least one hate list for every single character because they've all whined about something or other. Whiny dwarves πŸ™‚ I REALLY get the feeling they're not used to hard-travel AT ALL.


  33. Dreamflower says:

    This is too funny! I LOVE this review– it's perfect.

    I wonder if Gandalf had a hate list?

  34. hazelwillow says:

    You mean you're NOT going to give us lists for Dori, Ori, Nori, Dwalin, Balin, Oin, Gloin, Biffur, Boffur, Kili, and Fili???


  35. Elia says:

    There are so many blogs online, I’m glad I found yours today, keep it up.

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