Mark Reads ‘The Hobbit’: Chapter 2

In the second chapter of The Hobbit, Bilbo heads out on the first day of his journey with the dwarves and everyone is unbelievably dismissive and presumptuous with him. Intrigued? Then it’s time for Mark to read The Hobbit.

CHAPTER TWO: ROAST MUTTON

Dear diary:

How rude! How utterly rude! I woke up to many sullied pots and pans today, diary! I feel like cleaning the debris left by those silly dwarves is an adventure all in itself, and I clung to the thought that the dwarves had left me behind in a rush of desire! Oh, diary, how I wish that were true! I was having a rather nice breakfast. A nice breakfast indeed! I had just eaten a few bites when that wizard Gandalf appeared! How does he do that? He just shows up!

Then he insulted me for not dusting the mantelpiece! Well, pardon me, you dusty old man, but I was busy cleaning an army of cookware! It does not clean itself! I am sorry that I cannot just do magic and my entire home is suddenly in order! Who does this wizard think he is, coming into my home and talking about elephants? What are those? I don’t think I have ever seen one!

Diary, the dwarves destroyed my humble home, then ordered me to appear at the Green Dragon Inn through a poorly-placed note. Did they honestly expect me to reach the mantelpiece with enough time? And then Gandalf is yelling at me, and I left the house in a fluster! I am glad that you were in my pocket because I forgot my walking-stick and my hate. You know how much I need those things! Oh, diary, whatever am I to do? I agreed to join these inconsiderate dwarves after being bullied to come! Who can I report such things to? Is there even a force for good in Middle Earth that can come give a stern lecture to these dwarves? I am going to be late for second dinner for sure. This is a tragedy!

I know that today, I am much more upset than I may have ever been, diary. The worst thing that has ever happened to me before this was when I burnt two sweetcakes. In a row! But today, I had to ride a pony while I followed jogging dwarves. Did you know that dwarves travel by jogging, diary? That seems to be a rather inefficient, energy-wasting effort, don’t you think? But things were not so bad on that pony, I suppose, because at least I couldn’t be mistaken for a smelly dwarf!

It was a long day today, diary, and you are my only comfort after it all. That wizard Gandalf disappeared at one point, and we didn’t even realize it until it was nighttime. The rain fell so hard today! And I miss my warm hobbit hole and I miss my fireplace. This is surely the worst thing that I have ever gone through! But today only got worse and worse, diary! Because once the dwarves spotted a fire in the distance, they ordered me to use my hobbit skills of being sneaky to go investigate it! The nerve of these dwarves! They told me to signal them with owl hoots. Do dwarves not wash their eyes, too, diary? Do they not see that I am a hobbit and not an owl? I am feeling the desire to relieve myself in one of their beddings, I think! And no one can stop me!

But oh, diary, I was so frightened. The source of the fire was three large trolls! Oh, I had never seen a troll before, diary! It frightened me so! And these three trolls were hideous and smelly, as if all of the dwarves gathered their stink and created a physical being, and then dipped that being into a vat of poop and then rolled it around in the lint that one finds in a million bellybuttons. And then ate it and threw it back up again.

Diary, did you know that purses that belong to trolls can talk? Oh, I wish that I knew this, so that I wouldn’t have been grabbed by the neck by a troll! I was so deeply frightened! I even offered to cook for the trolls if they didn’t eat me! I did not think this through, though, because don’t trolls eat manflesh? I don’t know if I could cook that! I might be able to cook them dwarves, though. Would that not be a proper payment for those smelly dwarves for bringing me into danger and then sending me off on my own? I would cook them alive and listen to their precious screams as the trolls and I laughed with joy!

I mean, hahaha, diary, just kidding! Thankfully, I did not have to think about such things, because trolls argue! A lot! About everything! Ever! They argue so much that they just drop whatever they’re holding, which in this case was me! But my relief did not last very long, because those smelly dwarves are quite foolish, diary! I am not even certain how it is possible, but all thirteen dwarves were caught by the trolls! There were only three trolls, but somehow, each dwarf came upon the fire alone! Like a procession! This seems like a bad way to investigate something! Even the great Thorin Oakenshield got caught! Oh, diary, I was so afraid that my dreams of dwarf stew would come true, but not even in a way that would make me feel like I had gotten the retribution I deserved!

But just in the nick of time, Gandalf returned, and he sure fooled those trolls! They fought because they thought his voice was one of theirs! And then….then he turned all the trolls to stone. Permanently. Which, diary, seemed to be a bit of an overreaction. Just a little bit! I mean, i only thought about cooking the dwarves for the trolls, but Gandalf used his selective magic to just end their existence! Diary, I wonder if Gandalf uses magic for his daily tasks! Can he bake a fine sweetcake with magic? Can he conjure up some sort of clipping device for his out-of-control beard, so that small woodland creatures will stop living in it? Is it even possible for Gandalf to create some basic respect for another hobbit, too? You know, since he yelled at me very rudely when we were in the troll house. He told me not to interrupt, but he speaks as if my small hobbit brain knows where these mystical places are! Perhaps I will need to visit his own personal resting quarters and relieve my bowels when the time is right!

Speaking of such things, it is time for me to find a place to rest my head. Perhaps I shall need to release liquid from within me in the middle of the night, and perhaps Gandalf’s head will be just too close to where I choose to relieve myself. I’ll have to report back next time I get a chance, diary!

About Mark Oshiro

Perpetually unprepared since '09.
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