Mark Reads ‘A Feast For Crows’: Predictions

Well, after the tumultuous experience that was reading A Storm of Swords, I still can’t say that I feel totally prepared for anything to come in this series. These books are BLEAK AS HELL. But I will, yet again, make a public fool of myself as I try to predict what will come in the forth book of the A Song of Ice and Fire series. Onwards I go!

Honestly, bless your hearts. More than any other fandom I’ve come across, y’all have been nearly perfect in your ability to laugh and scoff at me without even hinting at spoilers. Thank you, ASOIAF fans! Also, I’ve heard ~terrible things~ about how racist/misogynistic the fandom can be at times, but none of y’all bring that shit around here. MAXIMUM ENJOYMENT FOR ALL. So, shall we laugh at my inability to predict a single thing that George R.R. Martin will write? YES, WE SHALL.

MARK’S HOPELESS ATTEMPT AT PREDICTING THE EVENTS IN A FEAST FOR CROWS

  • Tyrion Lannister is headed for the Wall. Why not meet up with Jon Snow and Stannis Baratheon? He just betrayed the Lannisters in the worst way possible, so it makes sense he’d head to people he might be of service to.
  • Okay, I know this is wishful thinking, but if Arya boarded a ship across the Narrow Sea, she will….meet Daenarys? PLEASE? I just want a holy union between these badass women and that is all I want from life.
  • Oh god, SANSA. Look, I am still shocked at the end of A Storm of Swords. I don’t know how Sansa is going to escape from Littlefinger if they’re in the Eyre, so my prediction: she finally snaps and kills Petyr Baelish by the end of the book.
  • DAVOS. My onion knight, i love you dearly. I think that he’ll be killed by an Other and I will never forgive GRRM for it.
  • What’s fascinating about the end of the last book is that, essentially, it’s really just Stannis and Tommen left. With Stannis at the Wall, I don’t think there’s going to be a huge quest for the Iron Throne, so I think Cersei is going to settle in as Regent to rule from King’s Landing.
  • Well, I also don’t think it will be that easy for her, though, because Cersei is…paranoid? I mean, she is in a general sense, but her brother just killed her father, so I think we will see her lash out at those around her in order to maintain her power. (PS: GOD I LOVE CERSEI SO MUCH.)
  • We will get a chapter from the perspective of a Tyrell.
  • We will find out what the HELL happened to Theon Greyjoy. WHERE THE FUCK IS HE.
  • Okay, I didn’t get it last time, so I’m begging for it now: PLEASE, JUST ONE CHAPTER FROM THE PERSPECTIVE OF ASHA GREYJOY. PLEASE.
  • Sooooo….Catelyn is re-animated, right? She wasn’t just temporarily alive because that’s not how it works. I predict we will see her again at least once in the book. WHICH I WOULD LIKE VERY MUCH.
  • BRIENNE. OH BRIENNE, HOW I LOVE THEE. So, she’s off to find Sansa. Well, obviously she won’t, and she won’t find Arya either because she’s not even looking in the right place. My prediction is that she actually finds Rickon instead.
  • WHERE THE FUCK IS RICKON. The forgotten Stark! OMG how hilarious would it be if we get to book seven and all the Starks are dead and Rickon just emerges from a cave and is like I’M KING OF THE NORTH, FUCKERS. Okay, an actual prediction: We’ll find out where he is and what he’s been doing.
  • ARYA!! I LOVE YOU DEEPLY AS WELL. Oh god, WHAT IS THAT GODDAMN COIN SHE GOT AND WHAT DOES IT DO? Obviously, I predict we find out what that coin means and what that phrase that was spoken back to her means, too.
  • AND WE WILL SEE J’AQEN H’GHAR AGAIN. CALLING IT.
  • Oh, and Sandor Clegane obviously didn’t die. CALLING THAT, TOO.
  • oh god JON SNOW ON THE WALL. omg he’s fucking LORD COMMANDER AND SHIT. I can’t even goddamn GUESS what the hell is going on. But let’s try: Mance Rayder will escape from captivity.
  • Someone will blow that horn thing that’s supposed to bring down the wall and it will work.
  • then disaster
  • then how will i survive
  • Okay, seriously. Samwell will lose his virginity to Gilly. I dunno, I’m sort of feeling them as a couple? I mean, obviously I ship the fuck out of Sam/Jon, but let’s be real here!
  • Hi, Jaime. Can we have a moment? I hated you. I did! And something happened during A Storm of Swords, and I find myself unbearably fascinated by your character. There’s a clear division between you and your sister, and I think you’ll exploit that, eventually betraying her, too. See, the Lannisters will finally fall apart after what they did to the Starks because sometimes, retribution takes a long time to happen.
  • GENDRY CHAPTER. IT’S HAPPENING.
  • Bran, you are in hiding. What are you doing? I have not the slightest damn clue what’s happening to him. Um….he will…um….nope. I have nothing. Nothing at all. We’ll just count this as a strike against me right off the bat.
  • DANY. DANY. DANY. How many ways do I love you, Dany? So, she’s remaining in one place to rule Meereen, and Jorah has been banished. OH GOD. Well, here’s my first prediction for her: I think she’ll make a terrible mistake because she has no one to stop her anymore.
  • I think that by the end of the book, she’ll be able to ride her dragons.
  • Someone’s face will get melted off by a dragon.
  • Why am I even typing words at this point?
  • ONE CHAPTER FROM VARYS’ POINT OF VIEW. JUST ONE. PLEASE.
  • Okay, DEATHS. I will put each name separately because it cannot be a GRRM book without LOTS OF DEATHS.
  • Bronn. šŸ™
  • Ser Jorah Mormont.
  • Gilly.
  • Pycelle.
  • Petyr Baelish.
  • Janos Slynt.
  • Pyp. (NOOOOOO.)
  • Stannis. And let me add to that: Melisandre will do it. She’s clearly vying for some sort of power, and he’s the only one standing in her way.
  • Roose Bolton.
  • And my last prediction: A chapter from the perspective of Ramsay Snow. Because we keep reading about him secondhand, and it’s about time we heard from the man himself.
Well, this should be fun.Ā 

About Mark Oshiro

Perpetually unprepared since ’09.

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61 Responses to Mark Reads ‘A Feast For Crows’: Predictions

  1. Tauriel_ says:

    Question: Is it a spoiler to say that (rot13'd for AFFC and ADWD spoilers) gur fgbelyvarf ner rffragvnyyl fcyvg orgjrra gur gjb obbxf, fb gung NPJP pbiref bayl Jrfgrebf naq NQJQ pbiref Rffbf naq gur Jnyy naq jung'f orlbaq vg?

  2. Jen says:

    Oh Mark, you know nothing!

    Ab, qba’g jvfu sbe n Enzfnl Obygba CBI. V guvax V pbhyq arire rire orne gung! Naq abj V nz ernyyl ybbxvat sbejneq sbe Znex gb ernq gur Errx puncgref!

  3. JonT says:

    Hmmmm.

  4. monkeybutter says:

    Bxnl, frevbhfyl. Fnzjryy jvyy ybfr uvf ivetvavgl gb Tvyyl. V qhaab, V’z fbeg bs srryvat gurz nf n pbhcyr? V zrna, boivbhfyl V fuvc gur shpx bhg bs Fnz/Wba, ohg yrg’f or erny urer!

    SNG CVAX ZNFG.

    Naq bhe tbbq byr ohqql jvgu gur sbezreyl-ovpbybe unve vf va gur svefg puncgre, cbffvoyl! Jryy qbar!

    Well done, Mark. Another hilarious round of predictions. And I like that you love Cersei. Even though I think she's a terrible person, she keeps things interesting. Same with Jaime. Damn Lannisters, being all complicated.

    • drippingmercury says:

      SNG CVAX ZNFG.

      Ahahahaha oh god. Mark is not prepared. Naq V yvxr fb zhpu nobhg gung puncgre, gbb, ohg gura… gura gung unccraf. Juuuulllllllll.

  5. xpanasonicyouthx says:

    Also, I wrote these predictions immediately after finishing the review for A Storm of Swords and then a friend told me about the perspective between the two books.

    Holy cow, before I even read a word, like half my predictions were wrong. Holy shit.

  6. CynicalNymph says:

    *snicker*

    *snee*

    *teehee*

    I'm sorry, this is just too cute. You're so unprepared.

  7. Clare says:

    oh Mark. oh Mark. KEEP READING.

  8. feminerdist says:

    OMG how hilarious would it be if we get to book seven and all the Starks are dead and Rickon just emerges from a cave and is like I’M KING OF THE NORTH, FUCKERS.

    This would be awesome.

  9. Clare says:

    OH MARK I don't know how to add photos so here's a link but I went to Titan Con the other week and got the kid who plays Rickon to sign my book as King Rickon: http://pics.livejournal.com/sancta_terra/pic/0006

  10. ninja_bat says:

    *raises eyebrow*

  11. jesicka309 says:

    I was so damn confused… all I wanted from AFFC is a map of the free cities… alas, I'll keep waiting, in confused bemusement. Eg. Sailing to Braavos I HAVE NO IDEA WHERE IT IS IN RELATION TO WESTEROS. šŸ™

  12. leighzzz31 says:

    Ah, predictions. I predicted I wouldn't even be done with half the books by the time you finished them and yet, here I am, having finished ADWD four days ago. GRRM is addictive, I swear. Also, I remember having similar predictions just before starting AFFC. Whether you're wrong or right or a poor innocent baby in the face of what's to come I will never say. But, yeah probably the last one. YOU ARE NOT PREPARED was invented for ASOIAF.

  13. Doodle says:

    You have surpassed yourself…in what way I shall decline to specify.

  14. Ryan Lohner says:

    I remember when some people were thinking we'd just never see Rickon again, and his naming his direwolf Shaggydog was foreshadowing of that.

    • birdbrainblue says:

      …Okay, I'm confused. How would that be foreshadowing?

      • Ryan Lohner says:

        Referring to the phrase "shaggy dog story," referring to a story full of complications that then has a horrible anticlimax or no real ending at all.

  15. Shaylani says:

    I want to live in the alternate universe where GRRM did the five year time skip! I still have faith that he has a strong end game planned out for this series!

  16. doesntsparkle says:

    I'm going to do my damnest to make "I’M KING OF THE NORTH, FUCKERS," Rickon's fandom catchphrase. Thank you, Mark.

  17. Shannon says:

    OK no spoilers, but having read through ADWD… I WISH SOME OF YOUR PREDICTIONS WERE TRUE. Oh, the misery I suffer. Just you wait. V unir yvgrenyyl arire ungrq n uhzna be svpgvbany punenpgre zber guna V pheeragyl ungr Enzfnl Fabj/Obygba. V qvq abg xabj fhpu ungerq jnf cbffvoyr sbe zr. V pna'g rira negvphyngr vg. Bu tbq V jnag uvz gb qvr fb onq. JUL QBRF UR XRRC FHEIVIVAT.

    Also, there is a Word of God re: POVs, but idk if it counts as a spoiler or not?

  18. bookling says:

    SOME OF THESE ARE RIGHT AND SOME OF THESE ARE WRONG. Though I think you may have made more correct predictions than I did about this book. (Which isn't saying much.)

    Also, are you SURE you want a chapter from Ramsay Snow's perspective? He's… ugh.

  19. fantasylover120 says:

    Sadly I can't really read this post because I've seriously only just finished the first book and I don't want to spoil myself…but man this series is awesome. How did I miss it this long? ;hits herself for never picking up the books till now;

  20. pica_scribit says:

    I am laughing hysterically and also wincing at these predictions. You are definitely getting the hang of this, but there are many things you are a little or a very lot wrong about, and some of these will surprise the FUCK out of you. Oh, yes! *rubs hands together eagerly*

  21. ThisGuyFromFarAway says:

    Sorry, but for all l care, nothing ,Cersei has to deal with can excuse her actions. I can commiserate with her to some extent, but it doesn't justify anything.

  22. tethysdust says:

    Oh, I can't wait to read your reactions after the book! And on the spoilery front: Nalbar ryfr guvax vgf xvaq bs shaal ubj npphengr n ybg bs gurfr cerqvpgvbaf ner sbe NQJQ?

    • monkeybutter says:

      Urur, lhc. V srry onq ur'f tbaan unir gb jnvg.

    • lalala says:

      Lrnu, V guvax vg'f shaal ubj abar bs gur crbcyr ur cerqvpgrq qlvat npghnyyl qvr va NSSP, ohg n pbhcyr qb va NQJQ. Fgvyy, fb znal punenpgref qvr va gurfr obbxf, lbh'q guvax pubbfvat n ohapu ng enaqbz jbhyq tvir lbh n pbhcyr evtug thrffrf, ohg abcr!

  23. barnswallowkate says:

    Yay, here are mine:
    – At least 2 Stark kids reunite (I'm including Jon as a Stark kid).
    – Melisandre wants Jon Snow's blood because the Starks used to be king so it's king blood, but she won't get it. Also she sucks.
    – Stannis dies.
    – Jon becomes King in the North (last time I thought he'd be King Beyond The Wall, then he ended up as Lord Commander which apparently isn't good enough for me and I want him to be King of something).
    – Jamie kills Cersei.
    – Arya meets Danaerys and they team up (even though Ned Stark was on the side that killed Dany's family, I know it doesn't make sense).
    – Something important happens at Harrenhal because that place kept coming up during the whole 3rd book.
    – Petyr will try to sleep with/marry Sansa and he might even be successful which would be gross.
    – Jaqen is an Unsullied (he talks like Grey Worm and used that Valyrian phrase that the Unsullied seemed to use) and Arya will find him and team up and everything will be awesome for Arya forever.
    – Dolorous Edd will continue to be hilarious and my favorite thing.
    – I agree with Mark that the Hound is not dead.

    OK BRING IT FEAST FOR CROWS.

    • monkeybutter says:

      Rickon/Dolorous Edd 2016!

      Like, end game, I want Dolorous Edd in a land of sunshine and rainbows and small woodland creatures who back him up in musical numbers, being his absolutely miserable self. He gives me life.

      • knut_knut says:

        DOLOROUS EDD FOR KING OF WESTEROS!!! with Rickon and Shaggydog as his hands. Or Shaggydog for king with Dolorous Edd and Rickon as HIS hands. Either way, the three of them need to be on top at the very end.

      • barnswallowkate says:

        Hahahaha I can imagine him complaining nonstop while little birds braid his hair.

  24. Jaime says:

    Oh Mark. Has no one really told you yet? Dany inadvertently says what the coin means in like her 3rd chapter in Storm, and Oberyn Martell repeats it later on. Oh poor summer child šŸ˜›

  25. klmnumbers says:

    I mean, obviously I ship the fuck out of Sam/Jon, but let’s be real here!

    lol wut. BROTP, only!

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