Complete ‘Mark Reads Twilight’ Archive

This is a complete and detailed archive of every review I posted for the Mark Reads Twilight series. At the time these were written, I was the community manager for Buzznet.com and, like MRHP, I have no desire to separate the comments from the reviews.

You can use this to open each review in a new window (it’ll do that automatically). You can also click PREV POST at the top to go to the next chapter. Yes, this is backwards.

If you’d like to link to this archive, please use this bit.ly so that I might be able to track everything.

LINK: http://bit.ly/MRTarchive

Thanks for reading!

Twilight

Preface/Chapter 1: First Sight – In which I regrettably begin to read Twilight and it’s clear I’m going to hate every moment of this.

Chapter 2: Open Book – In which Mark realizes very early how unrealistic and creepy this book is by the second chapter.

Chapter 3: Phenomenon – In which Mark is irritated by a literary/movie trope he deems, The “I Am Going To Do Something Spectacular And Clearly Attention-Grabbing In Front Of Plenty Of People, Yet No One Is Going To Notice Except (Conveniently) The Main Character” Phenomenon.

Chapter 4: Invitations – In which Mark claims that if he hadn’t publicly committed to reading this entire series, he would give up right here if he could. And part of me wishes I could reach back in time and stop myself. BREAKING DAWN, DUDE. BREAKING DAWN.

Chapter 5: Bloodtype – In which Mark deviates (the first time) from a traditional review to write Twilight: An Act In Multiple Parts. I knew when I started this project that people would get bored by me yelling and whining and ranting, so I had to come up with ways to get my ideas across in different ways. This idea was spawned because I’d been reading Edward Albee the night before.

Chapter 6: Scary Stories – In which Mark writes a fake deposition that gives evidence of Bella’s manipulative tendencies, and then she ruins all your pleasant thoughts. For the record, that court deposition is SO SO SO SO SO STRANGE. I have no idea what I was thinking when I wrote it.

Chapter 7: Nightmares – In which Mark declares this book as the very worst book ever almost entirely based on how Bella surfs the Internet, and then learns that she gets emo over Linkin Park. This is AWFUL.

Chapter 8: Port Angeles – In which Mark composes two letters, as Bella and Edward, to Stephenie Meyer, asking her WTF IS GOING ON.

Chapter 9: Theory – In which Mark writes the creepiest review of all time by creating a fake coroner’s report for his death by Twilight. That is actually a copy of a form the LA County Coroner used at one point; I’m not sure if it’s still up-to-date. And yes, it’s just as creepy for me to read that as it is for you.

Chapter 10: Interrogations – In which Mark gets all SRS BSNS for a second, but then dies laughing when he learns that Edward eats mountain lions.

Chapter 11: Complications – In which Mark uses his handwritten notes to narrate the events of this awful, awful chapter.

Chapter 12: Balancing – In which Mark reviews the entire chapter using only two images.

Chapter 13: Confessions – In which Mark reaches THAT chapter in the series where Edward reveals he is a vampire who sparkles in the sun. Oh, and it’s part II of the play format. Jesus, this is so bad.

Chapter 14: Mind Over Matter – In which Mark composes the list, “The Top 10 Reasons Why Your Boyfriend Might Not Be Right For You
With Evidence Taken Solely Out of Chapter 14 of Twilight”

Chapter 15: The Cullens / Chapter 16: Carlisle – In which Mark combines two chapters (this never happens again) to compose an AIM conversation he imagines between Bella and Edward. I really enjoy writing these kind of reviews. This also continues my in-joke that Stephenie Meyer is such a terrible person that she would totally use Comic Sans.

Chapter 17: The Game – In which Mark writes a review as if Vin Scully is reading the infamous vampire baseball game. Another one of my more stranger reviews. It is what it is. I don’t judge.

Chapter 18: The Hunt – In which Edward is so MANGRY that Mark uses ALL CAPS for the first time.

Chapter 19: Goodbyes – In which Mark gets depressed at how manipulative and awful Bella is as a person and posts a succession of the saddest images ever.

Chapter 20: Impatience – In which the title of the chapter meta-explains Mark’s feelings, as he posts a video of paint drying because it’s more interesting than anything else in the chapter.

Chapter 21: Phone Call – In which Mark summarizes the entire chapter in seven brief sentences and laments Meyer stalling her own book.

Chapter 22: Hide and Seek – In which Mark whines about the redundancy and repetition of the chapter that’s supposed to be the “climax” of the novel by boringly narrating his own…narration. God, I’m so meta sometimes.

Chapter 23: The Angel – In which Mark yells at Meyer for vampires not making any sense and then compares this book to the Goosebumps series.

Chapter 24: An Impasse – In which Mark stages a fake intervention for Bella, as all the characters beg her to break up with Edward. I really enjoy this review in hindsight. It’s one of my best.

Mark Reads Twilight Hate Mail

Mark Watches Twilight liveblog – 862 comments

New Moon

Preface / Chapter 1: Party – In which Mark is so irritated by Bella’s whining that he simply tells her to shut up over and over again.

Chapter 2: Stitches – In which Mark whines and yells about a lot of things, mostly Carlisle and the sex-shaming, but honestly, I can’t even read my own reviews anymore because they make me so angry.

Chapter 3: The End – In which Mark writes a fake suicide note because of the chapter where Edward breaks up with Bella and it’s the worst thing to ever happen ever.

Chapter 4: Waking Up – In which Mark deems Bella as the worst person in the world.

Chapter 5: Cheating – In which Mark has one of his rare happy moments during this series when he firmly places himself on TEAM JACOB, MOTHERFUCKERS.

Chapter 6: Friends – In which Mark calls Stephenie Meyer a sexist pig.

Chapter 7: Repetition – In which Mark foreshadows that he’s going to make fun of Stephenie Meyer’s heavy-handed foreshadowing that spoils her own novel. Fun!

Chapter 8: Adrenaline – In which Mark is so creeped out by Bella, he posts nothing but the worst images he could find on the Internet. Trigger warning: This post is still hard to look at. WHAT IS THAT WATERMELON THING

Chapter 9: Third Wheel – In which Mark comes the realization that there’s something deeply wrong with Bella Swan.

Chapter 10: The Meadow – In which Mark is shocked how openly Bella stalks Jacob and then uses large, sparkly text to convey this. Though, I am sad to say, the sparkly text converter has been broken, so you’re just left with all caps.

Chapter 11: Cult – In which Mark creates his first Twitter review to accent how unbearably creepy Bella is being about Jacob.

Chapter 12: Intruder – In which Mark really, really wishes he could just be direct and tell you what he’s thinking about this ~subtle~ chapter, but he just can’t. He can’t! Despite that you already know, he simply can’t!

Chapter 13: Killer – In which Mark is so angry that Meyer is STILL refusing to outright admit that Jacob is a werewolf that he writes a poem about it.

Chapter 14: Family – In which Mark claims that this book is almost porn and that Meyer is just seconds away from having sex with her fictional characters.

Chapter 15: Pressure – In which Mark holds a GIF celebration because Bella drowns to death.

Chapter 16: Paris – In which Mark has a heart attack over Meyer’s constant and jarring allusion to Romeo and Juliet, which YOUR BOOK IS NOT.

Chapter 17: Visitor – In which everything is terrible and awful and we learn Bella is an even more terrible person than before.

Chapter 18: The Funeral – In which this book is sent into an overdrive of stupidity and nonsense and Meyer assassinates Jacob’s character.

Chapter 19: Race – In which Mark learns that Edward is going to commit suicide by sparkling and, rightly so, loses his mind.

Chapter 20: Volterra – In which Mark reaches a critical mass of anger and frustration at how stupid everyone is in this book.

Chapter 21: Verdict – In which Mark writes 7 REASONS WHY NEW MOON MAKES NO SENSE AT ALL (With Evidence Taken Solely Out Of Chapter 21)

Chapter 22: Flight – In which Mark breaks down when Meyer contradicts her own book and he realizes this book is not literature, but a product to be sold. (Also, check out the sweet typo at the end.)

Chapter 23: The Truth – In which Mark was completely unprepared for the mindfuckery and shittery that this series hands him in this chapter alone.

Chapter 24: Vote – In which Mark writes the first review that is a deeply personal story, this time relating his experience with Mormon culture as a teenager.

Epilogue: Treaty – In which Mark composes the third part of Twilight: An Act in Multiple Parts, this time as a soliloquy from Bella.

Mark Reads the Story Behind The Writing of New Moon

Eclipse

Preface / Chapter 1: Ultimatum – In which the first chapter of the third book is somehow more awful than everything before it.

Chapter 2: Evasion – In which Edward removes the engine of Bella’s car so she can’t go see Jacob and Mark becomes so enraged that he devolves to a 13 year-old fangirl on a Xanga blog.

Chapter 3: Motives – In which Mark discusses the demonization of femininity and how that relates to Fall Out Boy.

Chapter 4: Nature – In which nothing makes any goddamn sense. Why did I read this bullshit?

Chapter 5: Imprint – In which Meyer introduces the concept of “imprinting” and then fails to properly explain it. Gross.

Chapter 6: Switzerland – In which everything is TOTALLY hilarious and awesome and NEVER NOT FUNNY.

Chapter 7: Unhappy Ending – In which Mark discovers that Meyer somehow compacts her wankery into one entire chapter. Rape as a plot piece? Rich, white privilege? Misogyny? Oh, it’s all here.

Chapter 8: Temper – In which we learn that Quil has imprinted on a two year-old and sex before marriage will kill you.

Chapter 9: Target – In which WHO CARES.

Chapter 10: Scent – In which Mark avoids discussing anything in this chapter and instead dissects the video, “7 Lessons Guys Can Learn From Edward Cullen.”

Chapter 11: Legends – In which Mark is sort of ok with the Quileute legend until it’s suggested that women can’t be involved unless they kill themselves.

Chapter 12: Time – In which Mark reviews the entire chapter with quotes from Mean Girls.

Chapter 13: Newborn – In which Mark rages and rages and rages at the outright racism exhibited during Jasper’s backstory. This shit is so awful.

Chapter 14: Declaration – In which characters are dumb and Jacob is awesome and nice and respectful and Bella still chooses Edward.

Chapter 15: Wager – In which Mark celebrates Jacob calling out Bella for her fuckery and then is silenced in shock at the infamous “rape kiss.”

Chapter 16: Epoch – In which the plot doesn’t move at all for 19 pages.

Chapter 17: Alliance – In which Mark hates all things that could ever be hated because he hates hate and HATE.

Chapter 18: Instruction – In which Mark learns how vampires are destroyed and it’s set up for Meyer to contradict herself in the next book and everything is boring.

Chapter 19: Selfish – In which Mark knows absolutely that Bella and Edward have the worst relationship of all time and the beginning of the Leah Clearwater assassination begins.

Chapter 20: Compromise – In which Mark finds absolute proof that marriage is not sacred at all.

Chapter 21: Trails – In which Mark opens up a second time about his life, this time his experience with abuse, and how that’s reflected in the newly-engaged relationship of Bella and Edward.

Chapter 22: Fire and Ice – Oh, it’s THAT chapter. In which Mark compares the writing to nothing better than smut fic, but for the PG 13 crowd.

Chapter 23: Monster – No, seriously, I can’t be bothered to re-read this review because I just remembered what happened in chapter 23. Fuck this book.

Chapter 24: Snap Decision – In which Mark comes back from vacation and immediately regrets ever picking up this book again.

Chapter 25: Mirror – In which Mark delves into the six levels of wankery found in this chapter alone.

Chapter 26: Ethics – In which Mark akl;asdf;k kJ209P3487 )(&DF :LKFDAJFD)(P )DFAU( *(^(&**(&

Chapter 27: Needs – In which everything is so fucked up that Mark loses the ability to say anything coherent at all.

Epilogue: Choice – In which Mark writes the fourth installment of Twilight: An Act in Multiple Parts and laments the death of the character of Jacob.

Breaking Dawn

Preface / Chapter 1: Engaged – In which Mark wonders aloud how this book can even exist at this point.

Chapter 2: Long Night – In which Mark imagines how annoying Bella’s and Edward’s tweets would be. I consider this 100% canon.

Chapter 3: Big Day – In which Bella immediately reverses her stance on marriage, which she’d been sticking to for three novels, because she is marrying Edward.

Chapter 4: Gesture – In which Mark’s anger at marriage reaches a boiling as this particular chapter is somehow–somehow!!–worse than everything before it.

Chapter 5: Isle Esme – Here it is! This is the VERY FIRST review I ever did that was solely an AIM conversation between the lovely Kasper and I. Oh, it’s the one where Edward and Bella have sex. And it’s just as horrid as I remembered it.

Chapter 6: Distractions – In which Mark explains why he hates this chapter using only pie charts. It’s science.

Chapter 7: Unexpected – In which Mark learns that Bella is mysteriously pregnant, even though vampires don’t have bodily fluid and then what will surely be the rest of the book is set up: Edward wants to abort the kid and Bella doesn’t. Awesome.

Chapter 8: Waiting For The Damn Fight To Start Already – In which Mark realizes that the narrative switches to Jacob’s point of view and all the chapter titles are awful and Jacob is whiny as shit and then we learn that Quil is GROOMING HIS TWO YEAR OLD WIFE TO BE HIS SEXUAL PARTNER. Is this real life?

Chapter 9: Sure As Hell Didn’t See That One Coming – In which Mark finds out that Jacob is a violent asshole and Edward suggests that they abort the vampire baby and let Jacob fuck Bella so she can have puppies instead. LITERALLY. PUBLISHED.

Chapter 10: Why Didn’t I Just Walk Away? Oh, That’s Right, Because I’m An Idiot – In which HOW IS THAT A CHAPTER TITLE and nothing here makes any sense ever until the end of time.

Chapter 11: The Two Things At The Top Of My Things-I-Never-Want-To-Do List – Has anyone figured out what these two things are? I still can’t. What the fuck is Meyer talking about? Anyway, this chapter is host to a slew of issues, the most glaring being the nonsensical writing. ALSO LIKE A HOSPITAL. Ah, my favorite.

Chapter 12: Some People Just Don’t Grasp The Concept Of “Unwelcome” – In which Meyer lectures Mark about science and Mark’s brain explodes and then Bella drinks blood and everything is terrible.

Chapter 13: Good Thing I’ve Got A Strong Stomach – In which we learn that the Quileute tribe is just as awkward and fucked up as everyone else in this book, and Mark only speaks through macros.

Chapter 14: You Know Things Are Bad When You Feel Guilty For Being Rude To Vampires – In which I wonder how Meyer’s editor approved these titles and then nothing happens for the whole chapter.

Chapter 15: Tick Tock Tick Tock Tick Tock – In which Mark realizes the chapter title reflects the endless banality and waiting present in this book because nothing happens at all.

Chapter 16: Too-Much Information Alert – In which Mark SRS BSNS rages about the blatant transphobia, transmisogyny, and ableism present in this chapter about how Leah Clearwater is not a real or whole woman because her genitals don’t work like everyone else’s.

Chapter 17: What Do I Look Like? The Wizard Of Oz? You Need A Brain? You Need A Heart? Go Ahead? Take Mine. Take Everything I Have – In which Mark’s mental breakdown and slow descent into madness begins as he reads about Jacob stalking girls in a park in the hopes of imprinting on one of them.

Chapter 18: There Are No Words For This – In which Mark uses Meyer’s own quotes against her because he lacks the ability to write coherent thoughts during Bella’s birth scene, in which Edward tears open her uterus with his teeth to retrieve his daughter, while Bella’s spine breaks and she’s injected with venom via a syringe and turned into a vampire. Oh, and then Jacob IMPRINTS ON HER FUCKING NEWBORN CHILD. Worst chapter ever written.

Preface / Chapter 19: Burning – In which the narrative switches back to Bella and we learn that everything we’d known about vampires in the past from Meyer is actually wrong because who cares about consistency, right?

Chapter 20: New – In which Mark finds out how precisely boring the world of vampires really is.

Chapter 21: First Hunt – In which Mark is distressed by the fact that there are no conflicts left, yet there are still hundreds of pages left in this book.

Chapter 22: Promised – In which Mark writes the fifth part of Twilight: An Act In Multiple Parts and makes fun of everything as a way to cope with the horror of it all.

Chapter 23: Memories – In which Mark writes a letter to Meyer, as if he is Renesmee, and threatens to shit on her bed.

Chapter 24: Surprise – In which Mark discusses the rampant classism in this chapter and then unfortunately ponders how vampires are able to have sex.

Chapter 25: Favor – In which Mark is completely flabbergasted by this book and how nothing seems to make any sense.

Chapter 26: Shiny – In which Edward, Bella, and Emmett have a wonderful AIM conversation.

Chapter 27: Travel Plans – In which Mark whines about how terrible Meyer’s writing gets and how she’s stalling her own story.

Chapter 28: The Future – In which nothing happens for 14 pages, so Mark linkspams everyone with some fun stuff dealing with Breaking Dawn.

Chapter 29: Defection – In which Meyer openly rips off The Merchant of Venice and inadvertently spoils her own book. This also includes a link to one of the best things ever made: Edward as a 40 year-old housewife.

Chapter 30: Irresistable – In which Mark is bored beyond belief because nothing is happening and then Meyer is a dirty, dirty racist.

Chapter 31: Talented – In which Mark learns that Bella’s power is a shield and conveniently can protect everyone and Meyer hates Catholics.

Chapter 32: Company – In which Mark reads about vampires from SOUTH AMERICA who are basically savage beasts because only white people are civilized.

Chapter 33: Forgery – I actually stand by this as being the worst chapter in the whole series. Meyer writing noir and instead ravaging the poor and people of color? God, it’s like a present from Jesus or something.

Chapter 34: Declared – In which Mark writes a review that is only two paragraphs long because that’s all this chapter deserved.

Chapter 35: Deadline – In which Mark wonders what this chapter title means and nothing really happens and everything is so sloppily assembled that he wonders if Meyer did this all on purpose.

Chapter 36: Bloodlust – In which Mark mocks the way Aro speaks and then is bored by the most inactive action sequence ever created.

Chapter 37: Contrivances – In which Mark is gobsmacked by how stupid, offensive, and pointless the epic “battle” sequence is that ends the series. No, seriously, SHAPESHIFTERS, not werewolves. I can’t believe this got published. A tear the size of a baseball. “Goodbye, Jacob, my brother…my son.” Seriously. A+ comedy material.

Chapter 38: Power – In which Mark writes a letter to Stephenie as William Shakespeare. This is still one of my favorite reviews I’ve ever written. I am very happy with it.

Chapter 39: The Happily Ever After – In which Mark composes the sixth and final part of Twilight: An Act In Multiple Parts. I also deeply love this review and I’m glad I ended the series like this.

Midnight Sun

Chapter 1: First Sight – In which Mark merely posts images of his facial terror in response to the awful things in this manuscript.

Chapter 2: Open Book – In which Mark claims that Midnight Sun is just Meyer writing fanfiction with her own characters.

Chapter 3: Phenomenon – In which YAWN BORING

Chapter 4: Visions – In which Mark imagines what an AIM conversation would be like in the Cullen household.

Chapter 5: Invitations – In which Mark learns how truly unhinged and psychotic Edward really is.

Mark Finishes Midnight Sun – In which Mark summarizes the remaining chapters of Midnight Sun in a video set to a random assortment of songs from the Super Mario Bros. franchise.

Mark Finishes Twilight – In which Mark decides he cannot live in a household with these four books still existing in it, so he hides them all around Los Angeles with notations to read this very blog. Again, sometimes I’m too clever for my own good. Oh well. As far as I know, no one has ever found the books and contacted me about them. Maybe I’ll never know what happened to them.

Thanks for reading! Someday, we may have liveblogs of the remaining movies, but…yeah. I don’t know. Seems like a bad idea.

About Mark Oshiro

Perpetually unprepared since '09.
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