Complete ‘Mark Reads Twilight’ Archive

This is a complete and detailed archive of every review I posted for the Mark Reads Twilight series. At the time these were written, I was the community manager for and, like MRHP, I have no desire to separate the comments from the reviews.

You can use this to open each review in a new window (it’ll do that automatically). You can also click PREV POST at the top to go to the next chapter. Yes, this is backwards.

If you’d like to link to this archive, please use this so that I might be able to track everything.


Thanks for reading!


Preface/Chapter 1: First Sight – In which I regrettably begin to read Twilight and it’s clear I’m going to hate every moment of this.

Chapter 2: Open Book – In which Mark realizes very early how unrealistic and creepy this book is by the second chapter.

Chapter 3: Phenomenon – In which Mark is irritated by a literary/movie trope he deems, The “I Am Going To Do Something Spectacular And Clearly Attention-Grabbing In Front Of Plenty Of People, Yet No One Is Going To Notice Except (Conveniently) The Main Character” Phenomenon.

Chapter 4: Invitations – In which Mark claims that if he hadn’t publicly committed to reading this entire series, he would give up right here if he could. And part of me wishes I could reach back in time and stop myself. BREAKING DAWN, DUDE. BREAKING DAWN.

Chapter 5: Bloodtype – In which Mark deviates (the first time) from a traditional review to write Twilight: An Act In Multiple Parts. I knew when I started this project that people would get bored by me yelling and whining and ranting, so I had to come up with ways to get my ideas across in different ways. This idea was spawned because I’d been reading Edward Albee the night before.

Chapter 6: Scary Stories – In which Mark writes a fake deposition that gives evidence of Bella’s manipulative tendencies, and then she ruins all your pleasant thoughts. For the record, that court deposition is SO SO SO SO SO STRANGE. I have no idea what I was thinking when I wrote it.

Chapter 7: Nightmares – In which Mark declares this book as the very worst book ever almost entirely based on how Bella surfs the Internet, and then learns that she gets emo over Linkin Park. This is AWFUL.

Chapter 8: Port Angeles – In which Mark composes two letters, as Bella and Edward, to Stephenie Meyer, asking her WTF IS GOING ON.

Chapter 9: Theory – In which Mark writes the creepiest review of all time by creating a fake coroner’s report for his death by Twilight. That is actually a copy of a form the LA County Coroner used at one point; I’m not sure if it’s still up-to-date. And yes, it’s just as creepy for me to read that as it is for you.

Chapter 10: Interrogations – In which Mark gets all SRS BSNS for a second, but then dies laughing when he learns that Edward eats mountain lions.

Chapter 11: Complications – In which Mark uses his handwritten notes to narrate the events of this awful, awful chapter.

Chapter 12: Balancing – In which Mark reviews the entire chapter using only two images.

Chapter 13: Confessions – In which Mark reaches THAT chapter in the series where Edward reveals he is a vampire who sparkles in the sun. Oh, and it’s part II of the play format. Jesus, this is so bad.

Chapter 14: Mind Over Matter – In which Mark composes the list, “The Top 10 Reasons Why Your Boyfriend Might Not Be Right For You
With Evidence Taken Solely Out of Chapter 14 of Twilight”

Chapter 15: The Cullens / Chapter 16: Carlisle – In which Mark combines two chapters (this never happens again) to compose an AIM conversation he imagines between Bella and Edward. I really enjoy writing these kind of reviews. This also continues my in-joke that Stephenie Meyer is such a terrible person that she would totally use Comic Sans.

Chapter 17: The Game – In which Mark writes a review as if Vin Scully is reading the infamous vampire baseball game. Another one of my more stranger reviews. It is what it is. I don’t judge.

Chapter 18: The Hunt – In which Edward is so MANGRY that Mark uses ALL CAPS for the first time.

Chapter 19: Goodbyes – In which Mark gets depressed at how manipulative and awful Bella is as a person and posts a succession of the saddest images ever.

Chapter 20: Impatience – In which the title of the chapter meta-explains Mark’s feelings, as he posts a video of paint drying because it’s more interesting than anything else in the chapter.

Chapter 21: Phone Call – In which Mark summarizes the entire chapter in seven brief sentences and laments Meyer stalling her own book.

Chapter 22: Hide and Seek – In which Mark whines about the redundancy and repetition of the chapter that’s supposed to be the “climax” of the novel by boringly narrating his own…narration. God, I’m so meta sometimes.

Chapter 23: The Angel – In which Mark yells at Meyer for vampires not making any sense and then compares this book to the Goosebumps series.

Chapter 24: An Impasse – In which Mark stages a fake intervention for Bella, as all the characters beg her to break up with Edward. I really enjoy this review in hindsight. It’s one of my best.

Mark Reads Twilight Hate Mail

Mark Watches Twilight liveblog – 862 comments

New Moon

Preface / Chapter 1: Party – In which Mark is so irritated by Bella’s whining that he simply tells her to shut up over and over again.

Chapter 2: Stitches – In which Mark whines and yells about a lot of things, mostly Carlisle and the sex-shaming, but honestly, I can’t even read my own reviews anymore because they make me so angry.

Chapter 3: The End – In which Mark writes a fake suicide note because of the chapter where Edward breaks up with Bella and it’s the worst thing to ever happen ever.

Chapter 4: Waking Up – In which Mark deems Bella as the worst person in the world.

Chapter 5: Cheating – In which Mark has one of his rare happy moments during this series when he firmly places himself on TEAM JACOB, MOTHERFUCKERS.

Chapter 6: Friends – In which Mark calls Stephenie Meyer a sexist pig.

Chapter 7: Repetition – In which Mark foreshadows that he’s going to make fun of Stephenie Meyer’s heavy-handed foreshadowing that spoils her own novel. Fun!

Chapter 8: Adrenaline – In which Mark is so creeped out by Bella, he posts nothing but the worst images he could find on the Internet. Trigger warning: This post is still hard to look at. WHAT IS THAT WATERMELON THING

Chapter 9: Third Wheel – In which Mark comes the realization that there’s something deeply wrong with Bella Swan.

Chapter 10: The Meadow – In which Mark is shocked how openly Bella stalks Jacob and then uses large, sparkly text to convey this. Though, I am sad to say, the sparkly text converter has been broken, so you’re just left with all caps.

Chapter 11: Cult – In which Mark creates his first Twitter review to accent how unbearably creepy Bella is being about Jacob.

Chapter 12: Intruder – In which Mark really, really wishes he could just be direct and tell you what he’s thinking about this ~subtle~ chapter, but he just can’t. He can’t! Despite that you already know, he simply can’t!

Chapter 13: Killer – In which Mark is so angry that Meyer is STILL refusing to outright admit that Jacob is a werewolf that he writes a poem about it.

Chapter 14: Family – In which Mark claims that this book is almost porn and that Meyer is just seconds away from having sex with her fictional characters.

Chapter 15: Pressure – In which Mark holds a GIF celebration because Bella drowns to death.

Chapter 16: Paris – In which Mark has a heart attack over Meyer’s constant and jarring allusion to Romeo and Juliet, which YOUR BOOK IS NOT.

Chapter 17: Visitor – In which everything is terrible and awful and we learn Bella is an even more terrible person than before.

Chapter 18: The Funeral – In which this book is sent into an overdrive of stupidity and nonsense and Meyer assassinates Jacob’s character.

Chapter 19: Race – In which Mark learns that Edward is going to commit suicide by sparkling and, rightly so, loses his mind.

Chapter 20: Volterra – In which Mark reaches a critical mass of anger and frustration at how stupid everyone is in this book.

Chapter 21: Verdict – In which Mark writes 7 REASONS WHY NEW MOON MAKES NO SENSE AT ALL (With Evidence Taken Solely Out Of Chapter 21)

Chapter 22: Flight – In which Mark breaks down when Meyer contradicts her own book and he realizes this book is not literature, but a product to be sold. (Also, check out the sweet typo at the end.)

Chapter 23: The Truth – In which Mark was completely unprepared for the mindfuckery and shittery that this series hands him in this chapter alone.

Chapter 24: Vote – In which Mark writes the first review that is a deeply personal story, this time relating his experience with Mormon culture as a teenager.

Epilogue: Treaty – In which Mark composes the third part of Twilight: An Act in Multiple Parts, this time as a soliloquy from Bella.

Mark Reads the Story Behind The Writing of New Moon


Preface / Chapter 1: Ultimatum – In which the first chapter of the third book is somehow more awful than everything before it.

Chapter 2: Evasion – In which Edward removes the engine of Bella’s car so she can’t go see Jacob and Mark becomes so enraged that he devolves to a 13 year-old fangirl on a Xanga blog.

Chapter 3: Motives – In which Mark discusses the demonization of femininity and how that relates to Fall Out Boy.

Chapter 4: Nature – In which nothing makes any goddamn sense. Why did I read this bullshit?

Chapter 5: Imprint – In which Meyer introduces the concept of “imprinting” and then fails to properly explain it. Gross.

Chapter 6: Switzerland – In which everything is TOTALLY hilarious and awesome and NEVER NOT FUNNY.

Chapter 7: Unhappy Ending – In which Mark discovers that Meyer somehow compacts her wankery into one entire chapter. Rape as a plot piece? Rich, white privilege? Misogyny? Oh, it’s all here.

Chapter 8: Temper – In which we learn that Quil has imprinted on a two year-old and sex before marriage will kill you.

Chapter 9: Target – In which WHO CARES.

Chapter 10: Scent – In which Mark avoids discussing anything in this chapter and instead dissects the video, “7 Lessons Guys Can Learn From Edward Cullen.”

Chapter 11: Legends – In which Mark is sort of ok with the Quileute legend until it’s suggested that women can’t be involved unless they kill themselves.

Chapter 12: Time – In which Mark reviews the entire chapter with quotes from Mean Girls.

Chapter 13: Newborn – In which Mark rages and rages and rages at the outright racism exhibited during Jasper’s backstory. This shit is so awful.

Chapter 14: Declaration – In which characters are dumb and Jacob is awesome and nice and respectful and Bella still chooses Edward.

Chapter 15: Wager – In which Mark celebrates Jacob calling out Bella for her fuckery and then is silenced in shock at the infamous “rape kiss.”

Chapter 16: Epoch – In which the plot doesn’t move at all for 19 pages.

Chapter 17: Alliance – In which Mark hates all things that could ever be hated because he hates hate and HATE.

Chapter 18: Instruction – In which Mark learns how vampires are destroyed and it’s set up for Meyer to contradict herself in the next book and everything is boring.

Chapter 19: Selfish – In which Mark knows absolutely that Bella and Edward have the worst relationship of all time and the beginning of the Leah Clearwater assassination begins.

Chapter 20: Compromise – In which Mark finds absolute proof that marriage is not sacred at all.

Chapter 21: Trails – In which Mark opens up a second time about his life, this time his experience with abuse, and how that’s reflected in the newly-engaged relationship of Bella and Edward.

Chapter 22: Fire and Ice – Oh, it’s THAT chapter. In which Mark compares the writing to nothing better than smut fic, but for the PG 13 crowd.

Chapter 23: Monster – No, seriously, I can’t be bothered to re-read this review because I just remembered what happened in chapter 23. Fuck this book.

Chapter 24: Snap Decision – In which Mark comes back from vacation and immediately regrets ever picking up this book again.

Chapter 25: Mirror – In which Mark delves into the six levels of wankery found in this chapter alone.

Chapter 26: Ethics – In which Mark akl;asdf;k kJ209P3487 )(&DF :LKFDAJFD)(P )DFAU( *(^(&**(&

Chapter 27: Needs – In which everything is so fucked up that Mark loses the ability to say anything coherent at all.

Epilogue: Choice – In which Mark writes the fourth installment of Twilight: An Act in Multiple Parts and laments the death of the character of Jacob.

Breaking Dawn

Preface / Chapter 1: Engaged – In which Mark wonders aloud how this book can even exist at this point.

Chapter 2: Long Night – In which Mark imagines how annoying Bella’s and Edward’s tweets would be. I consider this 100% canon.

Chapter 3: Big Day – In which Bella immediately reverses her stance on marriage, which she’d been sticking to for three novels, because she is marrying Edward.

Chapter 4: Gesture – In which Mark’s anger at marriage reaches a boiling as this particular chapter is somehow–somehow!!–worse than everything before it.

Chapter 5: Isle Esme – Here it is! This is the VERY FIRST review I ever did that was solely an AIM conversation between the lovely Kasper and I. Oh, it’s the one where Edward and Bella have sex. And it’s just as horrid as I remembered it.

Chapter 6: Distractions – In which Mark explains why he hates this chapter using only pie charts. It’s science.

Chapter 7: Unexpected – In which Mark learns that Bella is mysteriously pregnant, even though vampires don’t have bodily fluid and then what will surely be the rest of the book is set up: Edward wants to abort the kid and Bella doesn’t. Awesome.

Chapter 8: Waiting For The Damn Fight To Start Already – In which Mark realizes that the narrative switches to Jacob’s point of view and all the chapter titles are awful and Jacob is whiny as shit and then we learn that Quil is GROOMING HIS TWO YEAR OLD WIFE TO BE HIS SEXUAL PARTNER. Is this real life?

Chapter 9: Sure As Hell Didn’t See That One Coming – In which Mark finds out that Jacob is a violent asshole and Edward suggests that they abort the vampire baby and let Jacob fuck Bella so she can have puppies instead. LITERALLY. PUBLISHED.

Chapter 10: Why Didn’t I Just Walk Away? Oh, That’s Right, Because I’m An Idiot – In which HOW IS THAT A CHAPTER TITLE and nothing here makes any sense ever until the end of time.

Chapter 11: The Two Things At The Top Of My Things-I-Never-Want-To-Do List – Has anyone figured out what these two things are? I still can’t. What the fuck is Meyer talking about? Anyway, this chapter is host to a slew of issues, the most glaring being the nonsensical writing. ALSO LIKE A HOSPITAL. Ah, my favorite.

Chapter 12: Some People Just Don’t Grasp The Concept Of “Unwelcome” – In which Meyer lectures Mark about science and Mark’s brain explodes and then Bella drinks blood and everything is terrible.

Chapter 13: Good Thing I’ve Got A Strong Stomach – In which we learn that the Quileute tribe is just as awkward and fucked up as everyone else in this book, and Mark only speaks through macros.

Chapter 14: You Know Things Are Bad When You Feel Guilty For Being Rude To Vampires – In which I wonder how Meyer’s editor approved these titles and then nothing happens for the whole chapter.

Chapter 15: Tick Tock Tick Tock Tick Tock – In which Mark realizes the chapter title reflects the endless banality and waiting present in this book because nothing happens at all.

Chapter 16: Too-Much Information Alert – In which Mark SRS BSNS rages about the blatant transphobia, transmisogyny, and ableism present in this chapter about how Leah Clearwater is not a real or whole woman because her genitals don’t work like everyone else’s.

Chapter 17: What Do I Look Like? The Wizard Of Oz? You Need A Brain? You Need A Heart? Go Ahead? Take Mine. Take Everything I Have – In which Mark’s mental breakdown and slow descent into madness begins as he reads about Jacob stalking girls in a park in the hopes of imprinting on one of them.

Chapter 18: There Are No Words For This – In which Mark uses Meyer’s own quotes against her because he lacks the ability to write coherent thoughts during Bella’s birth scene, in which Edward tears open her uterus with his teeth to retrieve his daughter, while Bella’s spine breaks and she’s injected with venom via a syringe and turned into a vampire. Oh, and then Jacob IMPRINTS ON HER FUCKING NEWBORN CHILD. Worst chapter ever written.

Preface / Chapter 19: Burning – In which the narrative switches back to Bella and we learn that everything we’d known about vampires in the past from Meyer is actually wrong because who cares about consistency, right?

Chapter 20: New – In which Mark finds out how precisely boring the world of vampires really is.

Chapter 21: First Hunt – In which Mark is distressed by the fact that there are no conflicts left, yet there are still hundreds of pages left in this book.

Chapter 22: Promised – In which Mark writes the fifth part of Twilight: An Act In Multiple Parts and makes fun of everything as a way to cope with the horror of it all.

Chapter 23: Memories – In which Mark writes a letter to Meyer, as if he is Renesmee, and threatens to shit on her bed.

Chapter 24: Surprise – In which Mark discusses the rampant classism in this chapter and then unfortunately ponders how vampires are able to have sex.

Chapter 25: Favor – In which Mark is completely flabbergasted by this book and how nothing seems to make any sense.

Chapter 26: Shiny – In which Edward, Bella, and Emmett have a wonderful AIM conversation.

Chapter 27: Travel Plans – In which Mark whines about how terrible Meyer’s writing gets and how she’s stalling her own story.

Chapter 28: The Future – In which nothing happens for 14 pages, so Mark linkspams everyone with some fun stuff dealing with Breaking Dawn.

Chapter 29: Defection – In which Meyer openly rips off The Merchant of Venice and inadvertently spoils her own book. This also includes a link to one of the best things ever made: Edward as a 40 year-old housewife.

Chapter 30: Irresistable – In which Mark is bored beyond belief because nothing is happening and then Meyer is a dirty, dirty racist.

Chapter 31: Talented – In which Mark learns that Bella’s power is a shield and conveniently can protect everyone and Meyer hates Catholics.

Chapter 32: Company – In which Mark reads about vampires from SOUTH AMERICA who are basically savage beasts because only white people are civilized.

Chapter 33: Forgery – I actually stand by this as being the worst chapter in the whole series. Meyer writing noir and instead ravaging the poor and people of color? God, it’s like a present from Jesus or something.

Chapter 34: Declared – In which Mark writes a review that is only two paragraphs long because that’s all this chapter deserved.

Chapter 35: Deadline – In which Mark wonders what this chapter title means and nothing really happens and everything is so sloppily assembled that he wonders if Meyer did this all on purpose.

Chapter 36: Bloodlust – In which Mark mocks the way Aro speaks and then is bored by the most inactive action sequence ever created.

Chapter 37: Contrivances – In which Mark is gobsmacked by how stupid, offensive, and pointless the epic “battle” sequence is that ends the series. No, seriously, SHAPESHIFTERS, not werewolves. I can’t believe this got published. A tear the size of a baseball. “Goodbye, Jacob, my brother…my son.” Seriously. A+ comedy material.

Chapter 38: Power – In which Mark writes a letter to Stephenie as William Shakespeare. This is still one of my favorite reviews I’ve ever written. I am very happy with it.

Chapter 39: The Happily Ever After – In which Mark composes the sixth and final part of Twilight: An Act In Multiple Parts. I also deeply love this review and I’m glad I ended the series like this.

Midnight Sun

Chapter 1: First Sight – In which Mark merely posts images of his facial terror in response to the awful things in this manuscript.

Chapter 2: Open Book – In which Mark claims that Midnight Sun is just Meyer writing fanfiction with her own characters.

Chapter 3: Phenomenon – In which YAWN BORING

Chapter 4: Visions – In which Mark imagines what an AIM conversation would be like in the Cullen household.

Chapter 5: Invitations – In which Mark learns how truly unhinged and psychotic Edward really is.

Mark Finishes Midnight Sun – In which Mark summarizes the remaining chapters of Midnight Sun in a video set to a random assortment of songs from the Super Mario Bros. franchise.

Mark Finishes Twilight – In which Mark decides he cannot live in a household with these four books still existing in it, so he hides them all around Los Angeles with notations to read this very blog. Again, sometimes I’m too clever for my own good. Oh well. As far as I know, no one has ever found the books and contacted me about them. Maybe I’ll never know what happened to them.

Thanks for reading! Someday, we may have liveblogs of the remaining movies, but…yeah. I don’t know. Seems like a bad idea.

About Mark Oshiro

Perpetually unprepared since '09.
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45 Responses to Complete ‘Mark Reads Twilight’ Archive

  1. Mark says:

    Just testing out!

  2. Jon says:

    That Wonder Showzen gif you posted in chapter thirteen of Eclipse never fails to make me laugh.

  3. Mark, even reading your quick 2 sentence reviews of your reviews is better, more well written, more coherent, and funnier than anything SMeyer has ever written.

    • FishGuts says:

      I entirely absoutely completely and utterly agree with the above statement.

    • RogueFiccer says:

      Yes, because Mark, unlike Smeyer, actually puts thought into what he says and, most importantly, when he uses a word, he knows what it means.

  4. Hey Mark, your link to Chapter 8 of Eclipse actually goes to Chapter 7. 🙂 Also, Breaking Dawn 37 links to Breaking Dawn 38. (Finally finished reading through this archive. I can't believe you made it.)

  5. LunaKyria says:

    Some of this made me giggle in remembrance of the absolute rage, but strangely enough, the thing on this page that made me laugh the most was the fact that it's tagged "awful".
    No idea why I found it so hilarious, but I did.
    …I am a strange, strange girl. ^^
    Oh, and Mark? You're awesome. Like, sheer genius. Siriusly (<–*sadfaces*). I cannot come up with enough on-the-spot adjectives to describe the complete win that are your reviews (ESPECIALLY THE HP OH GOD -love-) with doing a Smeyer and resorting to a thesaurus. I bow down to your wonderfulness. 🙂
    <3 LunaK

    • FishGuts says:

      Hey, you stole my speech! I was abot to say all that.
      Especially the 'siriusly' bit. Because, even when speaking in normal conversations, (speaking!) i say siriusly instead of seriosuly. I actually find it hard to say seriousy now. I think I've forgotten how to.
      But yeah, you just summed up everything I was thinking in your comment.

  6. Emily (from Buzznet) says:

    I'm honored that I gave you the idea for the intervention review. Makes my terrible procrastination worth it.

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  8. Team IDon'tGiveADamn says:

    Okay, so I don't really know where to put this, but I suppose this is as good of place as any.
    Firstly, I love your review of Twilight. It's nice to be able to point to someone else and go "See! I'm not the only who thinks that" Especially when it comes to this book being whiny,dramatic, emotional abuse soft porn. Seriously. I just had to say one thing though. And it's meant with all due respect, because I know's it Meyers damn fault for making people think it. But please, no one think that her or her writing any way represents or is an example of Mormons. I myself am LDS and I hate Stephenie Meyer. Yes some of it is from her writing style and a terrible plot and characters that you want to kill yourself, but mostly it's because of exactly what's happened on the internet and everywhere else. People think that this "Twilight Series" is some twisted view of Mormonism and that her ideas a represented and present in out church. To which all I have to say is.
    She has her own views. Fine. Individuals view their lives and religions differently. But don't damn well blast your personal views all over your published work and proclaim them to be one with your religion. Newflash: they're not. As a matter of fact, half the time Meyer is stepping totally opposite.
    Okay, okay my point was. Please, don't take her deluded, twisted, psycho views as sound doctrine for Mormonism. I just ask that people take her as her own terrible author self, and that her views are hers; and especially that her literature has nothing to do with the LDS faith or doctrine.
    I know it's her fault she made it look that way for being a total douche and trying to connect her faith and her literature (bad Meyer *newspaperroll*) but it's not. Well, maybe in her head it is. But in reality. No.
    So, I really do love your reviews. But I just thought maybe someone should say something, with politeness and tact. At least, I hope it came across like that.

  9. Lydia says:

    I am proud to say I haven't read Twilight but I'm familiar with it, as I once watched it on an overnight bus in Thailand. IThat was turned up to 11. On a bus full of old Thai men hitting on me in broken English, I still would rather their company to watching Twilight. I'm happy you dislike it as much as I.

    But its more than just a poorly written series. Once I heard people talking about the plot points, and I thought that the "imprinting" stuff was a joke or something and I'm completely disgusted that it's not. It is not okay. So thank you for calling out the totally disturbing undertones of sexual abuse (actually, they're not undertones, nothing this author writes is subtle.)

    I loved your review from the point of view of Shakespeare. Man, that was HILARIOUS. I join you on the Ayn Rand hate as well. If she were still living, Rand and Meyer should write a book where people get raped…or as Rand would say an "ingraved invitation."

    🙂 keep it up, love your writings!

  10. Hayley says:

    I agree with everything you say about Twilight, escpecially about it being so misogynistic. However, Stephanie Meyer posted this on her website about Bella's character being "anti-feminist" and it may make you think;

    "When I hear or read theories about Bella being an anti-feminist character, those theories are usually predicated on her choices. In the beginning, she chooses romantic love over everything else. Eventually, she chooses to marry at an early age and then chooses to keep an unexpected and dangerous baby. I never meant for her fictional choices to be a model for anyone else's real life choices. She is a character in a story, nothing more or less. On top of that, this is not even realistic fiction, it's a fantasy with vampires and werewolves, so no one could ever make her exact choices. Bella chooses things differently than how I would do it if I were in her shoes, because she is a very different type of person than I am. Also, she's in a situation that none of us has ever been in, because she lives in a fantasy world. But do her choices make her a negative example of empowerment? For myself personally, I don't think so.

    In my own opinion (key word), the foundation of feminism is this: being able to choose. The core of anti-feminism is, conversely, telling a woman she can't do something solely because she's a woman—taking any choice away from her specifically because of her gender. "You can't be an astronaut, because you're a woman. You can't be president because you're a woman. You can't run a company because you're a woman." All of those oppressive "can't"s. One of the weird things about modern feminism is that some feminists seem to be putting their own limits on women's choices. That feels backward to me. It's as if you can't choose a family on your own terms and still be considered a strong woman. How is that empowering? Are there rules about if, when, and how we love or marry and if, when, and how we have kids? Are there jobs we can and can't have in order to be a "real" feminist? To me, those limitations seem anti-feminist in basic principle. Do I think eighteen is a good age at which to get married? Personally—as in, for the person I was at eighteen—no. However, Bella is constrained by fantastic circumstances that I never had to deal with. The person she loves is physically seventeen, and he's not going to change. If she and he are going to be on a healthy relationship footing, she can't age too far beyond him. Also, marriage is really an insignificant commitment compared to giving up your mortality, so it's funny to me that some people are hung up on one and not the other. Is eighteen too young to give up your mortality? For me, any age is too young for that. For Bella, it was what she really wanted for her life, and it wasn't a phase she was going to grow out of. So I don't have issues with her choice. She's a strong person who goes after what she wants with persistence and determination."

    • enya says:

      But that's not what people are saying. Meyer is FULL OF SHIT. Im pissed at the writer of these books because they portray an abusive, controlling man as a hero. He watches her sleep. He talks and thinks about killing her. He tries to read her mind. He takes apart her car so she can't leave. He stalks her. Its disgusting. Jacob is….maybe worse? He "imprints" on Bella's baby , meaning he "chooses" her to be is soulmate. Where's the choice in that, Smeyer?

      These things are what I personally have a problem with. I don't have a problem with her getting married,whatever, its fiction and fantasy but her getting married to EDWARD is where the problem lies. He is not a hero but making him the romantic lead gives young women (and men) alllllll kinds of bad ideas of how people act in real life.

  11. blessthechildren says:

    Hm, I think if the wizards revealed themselves, it would be very similar to the plot of X-Men. They'd be trying to save the world, but instead of being allowed to do so, we'd be trying to kill, cure, or at least capture and study the only people who could save us from the enemy. Not to mention, I am betting the hyper-conservative right wing politicians and ultra-conservative fundamentalist people of all religions (making us normal faithful look like monsters) would protest them to death or drown them in hold water.
    <img src="; />

  12. blessthechildren says:

    Is there no way to delete comments? This was supposed to go on another page… :[ *sigh*

  13. Phoebe says:

    OMIGOD I literally could NOT STOP laughing throughout these reviews. Like, in EVERY review I was randomy laughing at the computer and freaking out my family.
    Thank you so much for these wonderful mind/ stress reliefs!

  14. Team Tyler's Van says:

    You’re my hero. S’riously.

  15. Lisra says:

    Very nice, finding all the reviews on buzznet was a bit annoying.

    I’ve been with you singe the end of the first twilight book and still.. its a wonder you made it. I stopped reading after Eclipse and boy was that a good decision…

    Now I’m off to read “catching fire” with you. Read ya!

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  18. knc says:

    Not that I want you to go through the pain of the time you had to read the book-that-must-not-be-named, but I was wondering if you'd ever come across Dan Bergstein's Twilight reviews? If not, I'd really like to recommend them to you – he pretty much hates the book just as much as any other sane person, but in between that is a lot of awesome drawings, trying to turn into a werewolf, love letters to Emmett, and renaming Bella's baby 'Optimus Beyonce'.

    Just to give you a taste:

    "This series of books is all about making problems where none exist. Had Stephenie Meyer written Hamlet, the story wouldn't be about Hammie's dead daddy, but instead about some inexplicable dilemma involving Hamlet's desire to eat cherries despite the fact that he's allergic to cherries.

    HAMLET: O' sweet orbs of juice that beckon my heart like whispers of tempt. Mine skin doth itch when inside me you dwell. Away, take these devil's eyes!
    ROSENCRANTZ: Dude. Eat a banana instead.
    HAMLET: Yours is the tongue of fools!"

    So go check it out here!

  19. telephone says:

    Is there ever going to be a ‘Mark Reads Bree Tanner’? Please????

  20. giga_pudding says:

    There's this dude who reviews the twilight series too, he's also funny! He's called Dan Bergstein. Something you both relate to is you both hate twilight! Except he likes a bit of the characters, like Emmett, (same as how you like Hagrid I guess) and Jacob. Have fun reading them!

  21. hothotpot says:

    Hey I just wanted to let you know that I found your website through Reasoning with Vampires and I absolutely love your Twilight reviews. I've been sort of obsessed with Twilight recently, in a very morbid curiosity sort of way. I purchased the whole "sigh-ga" as an e-book for my Nook and started reading them not long ago. Did you know altogether they equal something like 1505 pages? That's a LOT of pages. Anyway, I'm still not very far into the first book, and it really is amazing just how bad it is. I agree with everything (negative) I've read about them, and I find Bella as a protagonist absolutely appalling and unlikeable. But I can't stop reading! What the hell?

    Anyway, I've decided to stop reading your reviews of the series until I finish it, and I guess I wanted you to know that? I don't know. But I do love what you've done here, and the very real and interesting points you've raised about what makes these books so especially terrible. I can't wait to finish them so I can finish reading all of your reviews, but for now I guess I'll move on to something I'll probably never have an interest in reading. Maybe Harry Potter.

  22. deleted8920037 says:

    Hey, Mark. I've been reading your Twilight reviews for a while and they're awesome. However, that's not what I want to talk about. As I was reading your review for the 21st chapter of Eclipse, the story of your life with your parents really… Hit me. See, I'm writing a book. My main character is called Eli and he's gay as well. The reason why your story affected me so much, is because you lived exactly what I was planning for this character to go through. Bear in mind I found out about your blogs merely two weeks ago, and that's because of Avatar. Sorry. I just wanted to let you know how eerie and sad and heavy it was for me to read about your life events, and I couldn't help feeling somewhat identified. After all, characters are born from one's deepest emotions.

    Anyway, you seem to be doing great. Good job.

  23. coldwindblows says:

    I have never read anything so spot on, and yet so hilarious, as I have your reviews about Twilight. I cannot even begin to tell you how much I have cracked up over your reviews, blinkies, gifs, and the comments. I borrowed the books and read them but wasn't really impressed. Reading your reviews, and the comments, has made me realize WHY I wasn't impressed. I truly boggles my mind how anybody can read what you've written, and still defend this shite. I have a 12yo daughter who I refuse to let near these books or movies, though I have heard the movies are a smidge better? At any rate, you presented a legitimate and serious critique and analysis, while at the same time being able to inject some humor, no easy feat.

  24. Rana says:

    I am so sorry you had to read the trash called 'Twilight'. It is a headache to get through, and your freaking out spazzing over it made everything better.

    I know its been awhile since you read it, but I can take some of the pain away :3

    http:// www (dot) fanfiction (dot) net/s/7166380/1/Just_joshin_ya_Smeyer

    I figured since part one (But…WHYY?? D: ) of the new BD movie is coming out in a few months, I'd make fun of Twilight before it ends (it'll never be as lulzy again). Now please come and read this because I love you and you are my favorite person ever and you're a fellow Anti . :3

    PS. Would this count as spamming? I'm so sorry if it does. I am so, so sorry. 🙁 I'd go crawl in a hole and die in shame. 🙁

  25. laudanumat33 says:

    I'm sorry you had to suffer through that. At least you're making it epically funny.

    We suffered through it, then we played vampire baseball:

    I wouldn't normally link something but I thought it might make you feel better.

  26. banjo2E says:

    Hey, not sure if you’re gonna read this, but the link to Chapter 8 of Eclipse is currently the same as Chapter 7. It SHOULD be

  27. jodipo says:

    I think you should review The Hunger Games trilogy! I love those books, but even if you trash them I think it would be great fun to read your take on all 3 of them

  28. Shiyra says:

    I just finished reading your entire review of the Twilight series and I can't believe you made it through. You had really good points and it was hilarious to see your reactions. Thank you for saving me from having to read it myself and giving me a leg to stand on when I tell people I wouldn't touch these books with a 10 foot pole. In Mark Reads 'Breaking Dawn': Chapter 4 you state that there are very few feminist males out there and since you are reviewing "Buffy the Vampire Slayer" I thought you would enjoy this video of Joss Whedon's speech for Equality Now (no spoilers). [youtube cYaczoJMRhs youtube]

  29. Hailey says:

    You know, I'm worried about me. I liked twilight, I was never obsessed with it, but I genuinely liked it. Admittedly I was about 12 when I read it but I'm not a stupid person, and all of this abuse, and unfortunate implications went completely over my head. ._.

  30. Pingback: The Art of Darkness » Blog Archive » Mark Reads “Shadow War of the Night Dragons”

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