Mark Reads ‘John Dies At The End’: Chapter 1 |

In the first chapter of John Dies at the End, I understand absolutely nothing. Intrigued? Then it’s time for Mark to read John Dies at the End.

Chapter One: The Levitating “Jamaican”

I AM SO LOST. THIS ISN’T FAIR.

Unfortunately, this story does not take place in Los Angeles.

THEN WHY DID YOU START THIS CHAPTER WITH A COUPLE SENTENCES ABOUT L.A.? WHY?

I do feel like this accurately captures one of the things that makes me feel strange about this book. Without a single answer to any of the questions I had due to the prologue, I’m left feeling like this book is being absurd for the sake of it. Let me follow that sentence with this: I still have no idea what’s going on, so I know it’s possible that everything here has meaning, that there is no weirdness for the sake of it. But why include this line about L.A.? Why introduce so many disparate and confusing details with no indication as to why they’re happening. What I suspect is my experience is intentional, though. The writer of this book is dropping us into this fictional world and hoping that we know how to swim. (So, if David Wong is the main character, who the fuck wrote this?) We are meant to feel bewildered and lost.

If that’s the case, then this is pretty damn effective, y’all.

I once saw a man’s kidneys grow tentacles, tear itself out of a ragged hole in his back and go slapping across my kitchen floor.

JESUS, HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO DEAL WITH SENTENCES LIKE THIS?

It’s always like this when I’m on the sauce. I dosed six hours ago.

What the fuck is the sauce? Okay, so it’s some type of drug, but what does it do? Why does David do it? WHAT IS HAPPENING?

In half a second I counted 5,289 grains of rice on her plate. The rice was grown in Arkansas. The guy who ran the harvester was nicknamed “Cooter.”

Okay, so that’s what the drug does? That’s an impressive talent. Butâ€¦ how? What? David demonstrates this again with his plastic cutlery, and then with Arnie, the reporter he’s agreed to talk to about his and John’s lives. So why talk to a reporter now? How have John and David collected a “following”? I get the sense that the Internet has played a big part in this, but I’m not really sure. Of course, I’m unsure about most of this. David lies to Arnie like five times in the first few minutes, so how much is he lying to us? How much can we trust him? This is a fascinating first-person narrative in that sense, because the entire section about the party David was at three years prior feels more like David talking to Arnie. Or is he talking to us? I think it’s the former, so I’m curious to know what details he’s leaving out. Will the entire book be a recount of what has led John and David to this bizarre life?

I HAVE SO MANY QUESTIONS! Oh god, I feel like half my reviews of this book will just be that. Lord.

So, after David demonstrates his ability to read things (like the dates on coins in Arnie’s pocket or the dream Arnie had the night before), we flash back to a “few years” prior, where John’s shitty band opens at some party that is happening for some reason. It’s not important. What is important is how David’s interaction with the Fake Jamaican brings about all this weirdness. And it is a lot of weirdness, y’all.

Why is Molly strangely more aware than she should be? It’s like she belongs in The Immortals quartet, you know? I DON’T GET IT?
Why is Robert pretending to be a stereotype? I don’t feel like this is a throwaway detail?
So, I assume he’s able to actually levitate. Therefore: HOW?
I then thought that since David and Robert were both able to correctly read someone’s dream, it had to do with the sauce. It still might, I suppose, but how does David experience what happens at the end of this chapter if he isn’t on the sauce? I guess this is my way of questioning the logistics of the drug. Does it alter perception to allow you to see more than others do? If that’s the case, then how did Robert affect David’s physical perception by writing the message on David’s hand and make him throw up the centipede?
Robert brings up a fantastic point: How does one’s subconscious mind predict the future so that you are given a dream that perfectly corresponds with outside stimuli so that you’re shocked out of sleep? This has happened to me before!!! SO WHY. WHY.
Why does John sing about camels? This is inconsequential, but I’d still like to know.
How does whatever power Robert have allow him to see the future? Also: what the fuck.