Mark Reads ‘The Princess Bride’: Two

In the second chapter of The Princess Bride, Prince Humperdinck is ridiculous. Intrigued? Then it’s time for Mark to read The Princess Bride.

TWO: THE GROOM

Okay, so it’s funny to me that the next round of Goldman’s commentary brings up the fact that Morgenstern completely deflated his whole story in the first chapter. SEE I CAN STILL BE UNPREPARED. It’s interesting, then, that Goldman decided to cut sixty-six pages of the history of Florin because, frankly, it was boring. I’m sorry, I’m going to do this because I have to, but I may have been reminded of a certain series I just read for Mark Reads. Now, I’m not saying that Goldman was making any sort of criticism of Lord of the Rings or even poking fun at the idea that sometimes, world building can be incredibly fucking boring. I’m not saying that! What I am saying is that it is virtually impossible for me to think of anything else but this at this exact moment. Perhaps Goldman decided to do this after trying to read the Appendices. And let’s be honest here: that part of the book was dry. Very dry. Like, so dry it was kind of boring. I’m glad I read them because they helped secure my intense love of Legolas and Gimli, but could you blame someone for not wanting to spend any time reading them? No, you could not. The same goes for Goldman’s son. How could he expect him to read sixty-six pages of Florian history entirely of his own volition? Hell, despite how much I’ve loved reading since I was a young kid, I still don’t like to read boring shit. I’ll do it if I have to, but Goldman’s son didn’t have to read The Princess Bride.

I’m sure I’ve angered every Lord of the Rings scholar alive, but I truly don’t give a single fuck about any of the Númenórean kings. SORRY, I DON’T. Hell, how could you when Legolas and Gimli are gaying up every page? That’s far more interesting.

Well, now I’m off-topic. Oh well. It’s going to happen a lot during this. I’m just warning you in advance.

Did you know for years, I thought Prince Humperdinck was actually Prince Humpadink and I was really weirded out by this? Understandably so, but it wasn’t until I was about thirteen that I saw that character’s name spelled out. I did this a lot growing up, and I actually blame it on the fact that my mother raised me in such a protective bubble. I could get to the library at school if I needed to, and we were only allowed to go to the Riverside Public Library (La Sierra branch!!) twice a month, so I didn’t really have much access to the outside world at all, aside from the records I’d sneak into my house and hide in my bedroom. This meant that despite how much I had read at a young age, I had entire batches of facts in my head that were completely and utterly wrong, and it wasn’t until people told me otherwise or I read about them that I realized just what sort of archaic ideas I’d been clinging to. Aside from believing it was Prince Humpadink, I also believed:

• All television was black and white because some time in the past, people invented color. I genuinely believed the world was black and white.
• Rain came from space. Space. I fucking literally believed that rain did come from clouds or condensation, and it fell from space.
• Speaking of space, I also thought it was super warm and toasty in space because you didn’t have the earth’s atmosphere to block out the sun’s rays. What the fuck does that even mean?
• I used to think that Canada was on another continent than mine.
• I believed Chewbacca was a real creature.
• I thought potatoes grew in trees. !!!!!!!!! WHAT WAS MY BRAIN DOING !!!!!!
• You have no idea how many phrases I internalized that were impossible or wrong because I never saw them in print form. Intensive purposes. I could care less. Indudibudly. Irregardless.
• I thought the Mighty Morphin Power Rangers was a documentary the first time I watched it. You know, now I’m just getting sad at what a huge fucking fool I was as a kid.
• I believed that Fentruck Stimmel was from a real country called Yakestonia. God, please help me.
• I also believed Japan and China were the same country until at least age 11.
• Fuck, I also thought that everyone thought in English, and then just translated it all into their own language. Once, I got in an argument with my mother about the ontological complexity of language because I was convinced that a person who spoke any language that wasn’t English couldn’t have a different word for “tree” because they didn’t know it in English first.
• Okay, I have to go back to this, but the principal’s name on Doug was Buttsavitch. I refuse to apologize for still finding this hilarious.
• What have I done.

So, the Zoo of Death. Those are real things, right? I’m pretty sure rich people can kill exotic animals any time they want for a lot of money, can’t they? How does that make them feel good and accomplished, by the way? Aren’t they aware of how the odds are terribly fixed in their favor? How can they gain any sort of confidence or joy from such an obvious set-up? What am I talking about? They’re rich. They don’t care! I think I’ll end this review by making it sound like I’m a bigot against all rich people, which is probably true and factual because ew. Prince Humperdinck sucks BOO BOO HISS BOO BOO.

Mark Links Stuff

– My eBook adaptations of reviews I’ve posted are on sale at MarkDoesStuff.com. Harry Potter, Twilight, and Firefly books are priced from $2.99 to $3.99 a piece, and are available in ePub (iBook, iPod, iPad, Nook), Kindle, and PDF files.
– I now have a Lulu storefront, where you can purchase physical copies of all of my previously released books, including a full Mark Reads Twilight book that includes all four sets of Twilight reviews.
– I am going on tour in April and May across the western half of North America! Please check this post for tour dates and to see which cities I still need help finding venues in. You can RSVP for any date by clicking on the city name and using the Facebook page for it, or you can just leave a comment! If you have access to a venue, know of a good book store or coffee shop that hosts events, or would be willing to host an event at your house or work (I DON’T CARE WHERE, I WILL SHOW UP), please comment on that post to let me know. I can also be reached at markreadsandwatches [at] gmail [dot] com.
– I am presenting for three days at Ascendio 2012! Come hang out and have the best weekend ever in July!
– Liveblogs for Game of Thrones season 2 start on April 1st. For the time being, there will be no proper reviews, just liveblogs.
– Since Legend of Korra has now been released, I’ll review the first two episodes over the course of the next week or two; once the show starts back up again, we’ll do weekly liveblogs and I’ll have reviews of it up on Sunday.
– Mark Watches The Lord of the Rings films starts on March 31st. Each consecutive Saturday, I’ll watch the three LOTR films in order and host a liveblog; I’ll post a loose review of them on Sunday morning!