In the first part of “Not On My Patch,†it’s time to FIGHT. Intrigued? Then it’s time for Mark to read Young Wizards.
Oh, I bet y’all didn’t expect this story to unlock The Ultimate Discourse about both Halloween and candy, but guess what? This addresses multiple Hills I Will Die On and YOU WILL ALL SUFFER.
Halloween
Oh my god, are these all holiday-themed stories??? Meaning the next one is CHRISTMAS-THEMED??? And Lifeboats is about… I don’t know??? Okay, maybe not, but it’s not that important because I GET TO YELL ABOUT HALLOWEEN, THE ABSOLUTE BEST HOLIDAY EVER!!! It’s relevant to the Discworld review I posted yesterday because I only got to trick-or-treat maybe two or three times total when I was a kid. I’m pretty sure we guilt-tripped our parents into putting aside their religious feelings on the holiday so we could participate, but I always resented that I never got to fully experience it. Like, I never found a house that gave out full-size candy bars. Oh god, there was that one year – and this was in 1990 or 1991, I believe – where the big rumor was that people were putting razorblades into apples or candy. So that was the year I ate a few pieces the night of Halloween and woke the next morning to discover my mom had thrown it all out because she was convinced we’d been given tainted candy.
I’m bitter don’t judge me.
So once I was on my own and ever since then, I have loved Halloween with a passion… and probably a little bit of spite. I don’t always dress up, but I love Halloween parties. Parades. Food. Candy. I love how it all gets mixed up with autumn flavors and spices. I love the spooky decorations. JACK-O-LANTERNS ARE NECESSARY. Haunted houses? SIGN ME UP FOR ALL OF THEM, ESPECIALLY THE ONES THAT ARE WAY TOO TERRIFYING. There used to be one at Great America in San Jose that had a room where the walls were made of arms sticking out of it except SOME WHERE ACTUAL PEOPLE WHO WOULD GRAB YOU yeah I nearly died. It was perfect. PERFECT.
I hope you can tell how excited I am.
Candy
Let me start off with a caveat: if we are going to have a discussion/shouting argument about candy (it’s happening, deal with it), you cannot bring in the winning card of Candy Outside The United States Is Better because I know. Trust me. There are a ton of you out there who saw me during my European tour in 2015 who can testify to just how much candy I ate during my time abroad. That is ESPECIALLY the case for when I was in Brussels, Geneva, Köln, Amsterdam, and I just realized I would have to list every fucking city. Look, it’s just true. 100%. Our candy is inferior, and I do not doubt that at all.
THAT BEING SAID, I am willing to throw down on sight over the following candy types being complete and utter trash:
- Circus peanuts. PLEASE. PLEASE. THE WORST.
- Peeps of all forms. They make me believe in God solely because they prove the existence of a being we’d call Satan since they are that evil.
- Candy corn. Sugar is godly but those compressed sugar triangles taste like death and I am not here for them.
- Almost all gummy treats. MY CANDY SHALL NOT JIGGLE. ABOMINATIONS.
- Warheads. I’m biased because I’m allergic to them and they made the roof of my mouth peel but CANDY SHOULD NOT BE AN EXERCISE IN PAIN TOLERANCE.
- Salty licorice, which is never given out as candy here in the States but I’m putting it on this list because Fuck It, I’m still traumatized from being tricked into eating it.
- Black licorice, though. Yeah, also evil.
- Necco wafers, I HAVE TASTE AND STANDARDS, STOP ASSUMING HUMANS WANT TO EAT SUGARY CARDBOARD.
- Laffy Taffy, what the fuck, the name alone makes me want to perish from this earth.
- Dots. DOTS. My boyfriend loves these so much that he will eat an entire box in one sitting, and if I was not a good, pure person, I would break up with him on the spot the next time he ate them. They feel like superglue for your teeth.
- Boston Baked Beans. If you are not familiar with these and you are asking yourself, “Why would someone name a candy after a savory side dish?â€, then you are asking the right questions about the world and we should be friends.
Fight me, cousins. FIGHT ME.
https://youtu.be/TQ1Xc9vlTug
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