Eighty-nine days before it happens, Miles is set up on a date with Lara and SURPRISE. IT ENDS IN DISASTER. Meanwhile, Alaska continues to be more and more distant from everyone else. Intrigued? Then it’s time for Mark to read Looking For Alaska.
eighty-nine days before
I don’t allow my friends to set me up with anyone. That is one of my only rules of being my friend: Don’t be an asshole, and don’t try to hook me up with someone you know. 99 percent of the time, you don’t understand my taste, and you’ll fuck everything up. THIS IS TRUE SCIENCE WILL BACK ME UP. So perhaps my own cynicism on the matter, combined with my own picky taste, led me to correctly guess that Alaska and the Colonel “finding” a girlfriend for Mile was going to be a complete and monumental disaster. When does this sort of thing ever end well, actually? Plus, sometimes I get the feeling that while these two do like and care about Miles to some extent, they are setting him up to entertain them. I imagine watching someone as clueless as Miles try to navigate through life might be entertaining on some level to these people.
Whatever the reason, Alaska sets up a “date” with Lara for Miles while the Colonel badgers the two of them. Oh, and he’s reading Moby Dick at the time this set-up is happening, and we get this lovely line:
“God, I understand whale anatomy. Can we move on now, Herman?”
I MEAN RIGHT?!?!?!? I enjoyed that book a lot, but it sure drags quite a bit.
eighty-seven days before
Miles’s date with Lara, as I said, was a complete disaster. There’s no way around it, one way or another. Puking on a girl’s lap after getting a concussion from a basketball hurled at one’s head is pretty damn awful, and I’m pressed to think of a worse example.
I don’t often talk about dating or any of the relationships I’ve been in. I actually addressed recently on my Tumblr, and it basically boils down to this: most of my life is online these days, so I’d like to cling to some semblance of privacy in this digital age. Y’all know more about me than most people I interact with every day. ALLOW ME THIS ONE CONCESSION. What I’m liking about Looking For Alaska the most is that it’s inspiring me to think about my high school and college experience and to look past all the awful things that happened to me and find the good stuff. There’s a lot to relate to in this book, at least for me, and it’s nice to reflect on things that aren’t a dark abyss of sad. Naturally, Miles’s first date ever got me thinking about my first date ever, and I realized I’d had a pretty disastrous time.
I’ve said before that I didn’t come out to anyone until after high school, which is when I was outed by other people and then was forced to start telling people. This is not about that. I distinctly remember my first date; it was just a couple weeks before I went to Long Beach to go to college. One of my only friends at that time was excited that I’d come out and took me some sort of social group for gay/queer youth in downtown Riverside, and it’s there that I met a guy named Christian. (And to nip this before it starts: yes, I realize the irony in becoming an atheist and then my first gay experience is with someone named Christian. Clearly, this was meant to be.) I’d been attracted to other guys for a long, long time, and while Christian wasn’t the best-looking person in the whole universe, he was the first guy who hit on me. And that’s….weird, right? I was a month and a half from my nineteenth birthday and no one had ever really hit on me. THIS IS THE SADDEST STORY EVER TOLD. Okay, it’s not, because it’s actually HILARIOUS.
See, I am pretty sure I was so excited that any boy would like me that I just went after the first person who showed any interest. In this case, Christian was cute and nice, but he eventually turned out to be incredibly and unfortunately bizarre in ways that made me sort-of, kind-of regret ever talking to him. The past is the past, though, and what’s important is that my very first date ever was a clear sign of how unbelievably inexperienced I was. First of all, we agreed to go on a date at the movies. FIRST DATES SHOULD NEVER BE AT THE MOVIES. That’s like…fifth date material. If I’m going on a date, I genuinely want to spend time getting to know someone! YOU CANNOT DO THIS IN A THEATER. Well, I suppose I discovered that the hard way.
Which is not to say it was a complete disaster. I think that I’ll always appreciate the memory of that day because it was the first time I got to hold a guy’s hand and make out with someone ever. And after seeing so many of my friends and schoolmates getting to go through these apparently “normal” relationships, I certainly felt extremely left out that I was both a virgin and had never had a relationship in high school. All of these things that I’d seen–slow dancing at prom, holding hands in the hallways of school, kissing someone you liked after school while waiting for a ride, going on dates–it seemed like everyone did it except for me.
So I want to state that I was very excited to be able to hold some guy’s hand somewhat in public. We did sit in the back row and we kept our hands low because this was Riverside. It’s not a haven for queer folk in most senses, so we had to be careful. I also remember that I chose to see Minority Report, because I’d already seen it and I mistakenly thought we wouldn’t have to pay attention if we knew the plot. I WAS YOUNG, CUT ME SOME SLACK. The truth is that while the theater was mostly empty, it was still incredibly difficult to pay attention to anything else. The screen was so huge and loud! But even that wasn’t my own undoing.
See, the thing was, I didn’t really want to watch the movie. I just wanted to make out with someone for the first time in nineteen years. I DON’T CARE NO SHAME. It took about an hour for me to get Christian to realize this. The moment of that first kiss…look, even with what happens after this, I still think it was pretty awesome, and it just felt right to kiss another guy, and it was beautiful for all of about ten seconds.
It was important for me to point out that Riverside wasn’t exactly the most gay-friendly city in the world, because right at that moment, about ten seconds into kissing a guy for the first time, someone yelled really loudly, “WHAT THE FUCK?” I made the terrible mistake of assuming that this was meant for myself and Christian, and in the panic of being gay-bashed or–worse–recognized, I startled myself and promptly knocked an entire cup of soda into Christian’s lap. I then panicked over that, and in the ensuing chaos, I tried to grab for a napkin across Christian’s lap and knocked his bucket of popcorn out of his hand, sending it flying onto his lap, the floor, and the seat in front of us. Which wasn’t empty.
Oh, and the best part? The person who yelled was yelling at the movie we were supposed to be watching. It had nothing to do with out makeout session. I’m still surprised to this day that Christian went on a second date with me, but he did. I sort of owed it to him anyway, as he had to go home that first night with a sugary, sticky gloss of Dr. Pepper all over his legs.
WHO WANTS TO DATE ME lol
eighty-four days before
Okay, something I immediately did not understand: Did The Beast not get in trouble for giving Miles a concussion? That seems mighty serious if you ask me. Miles wasn’t even the one who insulted the guy? Also, you play sports. Surely you’re used to the other team insulting you as you play???
With the Colonel’s sadness over Sara dumping him comes the rain. I have experienced neither the sun or the rain that falls in Alabama, and Looking For Alaska convinces me that I probably never would want to. And I love the rain! I genuinely do, and it rarely, if ever, can ruin my day. I just put on my waterproof cycling jacket, some rain boots, and concede to wearing pants for the day, and then nothing can stop me. But there’s something innately miserable about the way that Miles narrates the rain here, as if it is some Biblical punishment for all the collective sinning of Culver Creek.
This mood dampener affects Miles a bit, but it’s clear that Alaska’s continued detachment from things is far worse for him. I can’t say I understand why Alaska is acting like this, nor can I say I really like Miles’s sense of entitlement about the whole thing. Either way, he is right about one thing: Alaska seems to be moving further away, and I don’t know why.
Tip for reading Moby Dick: it's an exciting adventure story if you only read the odd-numbered chapters, and a dry textbook on whaling if you read the even ones.
"Puking on a girl’s lap after getting a concussion from a basketball hurled at one’s head is pretty damn awful, and I’m pressed to think of a worse example."
"I should have seen it coming. I didn't see it coming."
"I think she saw it coming."
Don't forget to underline meaningful passages.
And then you never drank Dr Pepper again. (Magnificent story, Mark. Also, why did that guy have to sit in front of you in a mostly empty theater? Don't you hate that?)
Yeah, the Beast should have at least gotten a technical, maybe benched for a few games. But if he's a 6'7" superstar, he might get away with it. Tsk tsk. See, this is where the Colonel's short stature comes in handy: Miles is a much bigger target.
Oh, MARK. My first date was the movies, too, and was basically an excuse to make out for me and less so for the person I was there with, although we did end up kissing twice.
But they were SO BAD. Not as bad as Dr. Pepper in someone's lap, but they were quite possibly the worst kisses in all of human history. So bad that I decided I'd rather focus on my studies and vowed to not try dating again for quite awhile. ("Focus on my studies." I was 14. What 14 year old talks like that? Ugh, I was insufferable.)
Also: you are totally allowed your concession!
I'm so familiar with heavy rain. I've just moved to North America, and people here think that anything more than a drizzle is coming down hard. It is not. I am used to monsoon. I am talking soaked to your skin in a minute, don't even bother with umbrellas, crap, all the water's soaked into my bag type of rain. Strangely….its not that oppressive, at least in the summer months. Its kind of fun to run around in. (Except in lightning/thunder storm. That was terrifying.)
Ugh, a concussion on a first date. However, I'd just like to say, that if a guy I hardly knew threw up on me after our first date due to injury, I probably wouldn't be turned off him. I'm a biologist- you can't stop things like that. XD
Also, I'd just like to say that Concussed!Miles was pretty funny.
A couple of summers ago, southeastern Wisconsin had a HUGE FLOOD out of nowhere. We usually get some nice summer storms, where it rains really hard for a little while and then stops, but this was ridiculous. Streets became rivers. The governor declared a state of emergency. THE EARTH WAS LITERALLY OPENING UP AND SWALLOWING PEOPLE. I can't imagine living somewhere where it rains like that ALL THE TIME.
Heavy rain will always remind me of my time in Malta, where in autumn it rained so much that the streets where continuously flooded. After three days of this I started to walk barefoot to work, shoes in hand, because I only had two pairs of shoes with me and I could never get them really dry.
I do love rain though, especially in summer when you can walk barefoot through wet grass.
This part of the book had me laughing again and again about Miles concussion.
'I am concussed' “The. Symptoms. Generally. Associated. With. Concussion.” This is just so hilarious, I love befuddled Miles.
Who wants to date you? I'd say most of us…
I don't know about the rest of everyone, but I don't want to date Mark. I just want to be his BFF and hang out and talk about nerdy things forever.
I concur!
Ditto!
My first sort of date was legendarily awful, and I tell it now as a story to reminisce about the questionable, questionable things I have done. It was with my best friend's very recent ex–I asked her first, because I didn't really know how these things worked?–and it was in a wood , jesus. Then there was awkward frenching during which I was astonishingly bored; "this is kind of like a washing machine, round and round and round, huh".
Then this dude put his hand up my shirt and went "wow". Appropriate reaction for boobs? Perhaps he just really appreciated boobs.
And to finish of the hilarrible events he then asked me if I wanted "to see it" and I decided "hey I'm tired are you tired let's go home how about leaving huh leaving sounds cool right now" and never saw him again.
Can't quite empathise with Concussion-and-Throwing-Up times, but there was some considerable awful occurring.
Mark, your first date story made me spit out my coffee in the middle of my art class. I want to thank you for the ensuing explanation I had to make up. Seriously, that could be a sitcom episode pretty much to the TEE. I don't really date a lot, but my first kisses have all somehow gone remarkably well, especially considering I didn't get kissed until after high school. Maybe that's why……
And see, I don't think Miles' date was THAT bad. If I was Laura, I would go on a second date with him. I mean, getting thrown up on is pretty bad, but it wasn't his fault, it wasn't like he was a jerk and got drunk or something and that was why he threw up on her. Totally out of his control. Plus, if you ever get married, that is a FANTASTIC story to tell to your children of how you met! hahaha
I keep thinking 'Who's Miles?' after I read a chapter then a review, then realise you mean Miles!
I love hearing your stories Mark (and everyone else's!) I love stories, especially when people want to share them with me, and the fact that we all can/want to share ours – just awesome in a teacup.
Also, important question – did we ever find out about the Hufflepuff cookies?
I DON'T KNOW!!! Did we???
I don't believe you told us! MUST … KNOW! I can't bake any until I know 😉
Also when I said 'Who's Miles – oh you mean, Miles' I meant Pudge.
Also I wanted a 'Mark Reads/Watches' t-shirt but they don't exist??? HOWWHY!
ALSO no banner for 'Looking For Alaska?'
There is no banner for Looking for Alaska because "Mark Reads Looking for Alaska" is an anomaly and was never supposed to exist. Also, there are t-shirts!
Thank you!
Also, I'll be your BFF too!
NO, WE DID NOT
You remembered too! I thought I was the only one, or that I had missed it.
nope, nope, you are not alone! Every once in a while I'll be like "Wait a minute…Mark never told us what those Hufflepuff cookies were…"
Was that months ago? I still maintain that macarons are the Hufflepuffiest of all cookies.
Yea, like before American Gods maybe? AGES ago. But cookies are important.
Hufflepuffs are so fancy! Macarons are definitely Hufflepuffs, unless you have to make them yourself, then they just become evil. I can never get mine to develop feet -_-
They're deceptively difficult cookies. Now I wanna make some for the holidays…
Oh! I thought you and monkeybutter were talking about Coconut Macaroons which are delicious and Hufflepuff and are perfect chocolate covered with a cup of tea.
THEN I looked up what Maracons are and they are completely different what are they they look delicious I think I would like some yes please. Although I suspect I have I different name for them which I haven't remembered yet.
Also … develop feet?
The little ruffly bit at the bottom of the cookie. And macaroons are also pretty Hufflepuffy and delicious.
Thank you!
I just found a recipe for Scottish Macaroon Bars and … there are no words.
http://londoneats.wordpress.com/2011/10/23/macaro…
Must make these and eat these.
In fact – we should all bake our own Hufflepuff (or any other HHouse!) cookies and post pictures! Yes?
Apologies for diverting discussion from Looking For Alaska.
Although … we could attempt Baked Alaska too??!! Yes?
Those do look yummy.
lol "Mark Bakes" can be the newest addition to his empire.
YES!
Who's with me!?
Yes please!
oooo Coconut Macaroons ARE very delicious and Hufflepuffy!
Yes! they develop feet! Well, they're supposed to. Mine do not and it's a source of much frustration. AND I THIRD THIS MARK BAKES ADDITION!! Baked goods are an important part of getting in a comfy reading mood 🙂
I don't know if I'm misreading your comment, but I'm actually having a hard time remembering that the main character's name is Miles.
Yes! I completely forget who 'Miles' is, but find it slightly easier (because it's in the chapter!) to remember who Pudge is.
I made everyone in my office do the sorting hat test and gave them their relevant house crest to stick on their workspace: http://www.personalitylab.org/tests/ccq_hogwarts….
I might have a Harry Potter related problem. Although I also cannot stop talking about how excited I am for the 'The Hobbit' movie. Maybe I should actually try to get to get some work done.
My dad feels exactly the same way! Why would you want to sit in the dark and not talk with someone you're ostensibly getting to know?
On the other hand, if you do dinner after the movie, it gives you a conversation starter and ensures that you have something to talk about if all else fails. I'm a big fan of movie/dinner first dates
lol my first date i was 12, my mom drove him, me, and my big sister to see the spongebob movie and afterwards we went to the bookstore
Soda in the guy's lap is fairly common… Happened to me once with my best friend on our first and only date, with my best friend's twin, and then with the one-shot wunderkind that just wanted to have sex in the theatre…
Now, my first dates are at Sonny's
MARK. YOU ARE SO *IN* WITH NEIL GAIMAN.
I'm sure probably a thousand people have told you but I haven't seen anything about it (but tbth I'm way too excited for anything more than a precursory scroll-through) but Neil Gaiman mentioned you on his blog post!! DUDE. DUDE SRSLY. DON'T KNOW IF YOU KNEW THAT (and if you didn't, I'm honestly a little saddened that the fandom didn't get this to you faster) but SRSLY.
This may seem super dorky and I'm really sorry to break up a review about something totally unrelated and all that but this, to a fan, is like if the Doctor in-universe highfived Bilbo Baggins. IT'S, LIKE, TOTALLY A MOMENT.
IN CASE YOU WERE UNAWARE – http://journal.neilgaiman.com/search?updated-max=…
Near the bottom for Friday October 21's entry.
Like a lot of people here, it seems, my first ‘official’ date with my girlfriend was at the movies too… We saw Gnomeo and Juliet and she’s still annoyed that no one died. But we were kind of weird. We were friends for almost a year beforet I got up the nerve to ask her out. (Sadly, it took me most of our first year at uni to realise she was gay) And we’d sort of been on date-like getting to know you outings previous to me actually asking her out.
I didn’t get to make out with her in the cinema. 🙁
Mark we should be best friends. I never had my first kiss til I was 19 either. I have dated before 19 but my first (in 6th grade) could barely be consider dating (more like hanging out) and the other two online. No one I know really counts these but me and I barely do myself. AND RAIN IS AWESOME AND NEVER BRINGS ME DOWN.
Sorry. ……XD