Mark Reads ‘John Dies At The End’: Chapter 14

In the fourteenth chapter of John Dies at the End, John and David try to piece together everything that’s been happening to them. Intrigued? Then it’s time for Mark to read John Dies at the End.

Chapter Fourteen: John Investigates

  • Y’all, I’m so into the fact that David relates the story of what John is up to at this point of the story, and it’s done in a way that really feels like he’s just summarizing it for us. I mean, right off the bat, David tells us that everything he’s passing along to the reader is hearsay because it’s John. He’s even more unreliable than David is!
  • What the fuck was that truck carrying? How can a truck bleed? Actually, John remarks that it wasn’t quite the same consistency as blood, so maybe it’s something else? What’s with the coffin-shaped containers? Why are none of my questions being answered?
  • The “dick-whipped” passage is poetry.
  • Seriously, I am so in love with how this chapter largely functions as a way for David to constantly state that John is full of shit. I can imagine David using air quotes every time he questions the validity of what John told him. I don’t believe John attacked a single one of the men with guns. Or flashlights. Or whatever they were holding. If they even existed!
  • “Again, I wasn’t there and I do not wish to cast an unfavorable light on John’s personal credibility.” Says the man constantly casting an unfavorable light on John’s personal credibility.
  • The term “closed Hanes jockstrap jockstrappery” will never be forgotten. Never.
  • John’s struggle with his headlights is glorious. I 100% believe that part happened.
  • “The group might have either pursued him or raised their rifles to perforate his windshield had a gorilla riding a giant crab not leapt out of the woods and eaten two of them.” I really don’t question any of these sort of things anymore. I mean, you can’t. Yes, John is the least reliable storyteller ever, but think about how many bizarre things we’ve seen in this book. A gorilla riding a giant crab isn’t unbelievable anymore.
  • It’s also neat how the book switches from David telling us what John was up to, to David keeping us updated on him and Amy. All of this works remarkably well if you imagine he’s talking to Arnie, who I imagine must be so frustrated with the story that David is sharing with him.
  • Despite that David had shared the reason why he was in Pine View, I was still shocked that Amy decided to open up about her reasons for being there and how she lost her hand. A lot of it is grisly and depressing. I mean, Amy watched her dad die in front of her in the very same accident that took her hand and her mother from her. Not only that, but the doctors lied to her about having to amputate her hand, and that fucked her up. Add that to the horrible treatment she got by people being unable to focus on her missing hand, and it’s all just full of sadness. 🙁
  • It’s nice, then, that John “never once described [Amy] as ‘the girl with the missing hand.’ ” At least David could admit that John was the kinder of the two of them.
  • I was fascinated by the reveal of the giant cavern/hole that John found in that house his team was working on. The idea that it was one of the “doors” that Danny Wexler spoke of was intriguing. If that was the case, then that’s how the giant crab thing came into our world. But how did the door open?
  • “I feel stretched out, like too little butter scraped over too much waffle. And then it all falls down into one of the waffle holes and there’s none left for the rest of the waffle and you sort of have to tilt it to make it run out.” I am so in love with this passage, y’all. Like Leslie Knope, I have an intimate relationship with waffles.
  • So what the hell is being made at the Drain Rooter plant???
  • Tyler comparing Amy to taking care of someone with Down’s Syndrome is a big NOPE in my book. Yeah, what. I kind of don’t feel that bad about what David does to him.
  • I found David offering up his own vomit story to be kind of sweet. What a weird sentence to type.
  • Holy shit, so David just sort of blacks out and kick’s Tyler’s ass? What the HELL???
  • I am so into the fact that Amy refuses to stay behind. I love that this is her choice, that she fights for this choice, and that the book respects it.
  • I admit to being confused after this scene by the jump in time, but I am incredibly excited that we are so close to… something? Oh god, what’s in the Drain Rooter plant???


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About Mark Oshiro

Perpetually unprepared since '09.
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