{"id":634,"date":"2011-11-08T06:00:26","date_gmt":"2011-11-08T14:00:26","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/markreads.net\/reviews\/?p=634"},"modified":"2011-11-02T14:37:49","modified_gmt":"2011-11-02T21:37:49","slug":"mark-reads-the-hobbit-chapter-12","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"http:\/\/markreads.net\/reviews\/2011\/11\/mark-reads-the-hobbit-chapter-12\/","title":{"rendered":"Mark Reads ‘The Hobbit’: Chapter 12"},"content":{"rendered":"

In the twelfth chapter of The Hobbit<\/em>, Bilbo descends into the lair of Smaug. Intrigued? Then it’s time for Mark to read The Hobbit<\/em>.<\/p>\n

CHAPTER TWELVE: INSIDE INFORMATION<\/strong><\/p>\n

John started across the bed at Christopher’s face. He’d gotten used to that eager look, so when he raised up his leather-bound journal, prepared to read, he wasn’t surprised that Christopher started first.<\/p>\n

“Papa,” he asked, “where are we again?”<\/p>\n

John smiled. “Well, my son, we got as far as Bilbo and the dwarves find the secret entrance.”<\/p>\n

“It’s not a secret anymore, is it?”<\/p>\n

“Well….not to them, I suppose, but that doesn’t make it not<\/em> a secret.”<\/p>\n

“But now we know about it, so it’s not a secret.”<\/p>\n

John sighed. “Are we starting off like this again?”<\/p>\n

Christopher smiled and settled into bed, pulling the cover up to his chin. “Sorry, Papa. I’ll be quiet this time. I promise!”<\/p>\n

He smiled back at his son. He did enjoy this time, even if Christopher could be a bit inquisitive. He looked down at his notes and began to continue the story of Bilbo Baggins.<\/p>\n

“So, they’re at the opening of the cave, and Thorin turns to Bilbo and the others, and begins to tell them all that it’s time for Bilbo to fulfill his end of the bargain by using his burglar skills to descend into the mountain.”<\/p>\n

“What does Thorin say?” Christopher interrupted.<\/p>\n

John paused. “Well, a lot. You know Thorin. He’s terribly concerned with honor and the spectacle of it all.”<\/p>\n

“But what does he say?<\/em>”<\/p>\n

“Can’t you just imagine it?”<\/p>\n

“I suppose,” he replied.<\/p>\n

John scribbled a note in his margin, MAKE SURE TO DEVELOP THORIN’S STYLE, before continuing. “So, after a lengthy little speech, Biblo speaks up and points out that he’s already helped the dwarves get out of danger twice<\/em>, and those certainly weren’t part of the agreement.”<\/p>\n

“Shouldn’t he ask for more treasure?”<\/p>\n

“I–I suppose, but remember, he sort of grew up with money. It’s not like he needs more.”<\/p>\n

“But then he could buy more….hobbit stuff.” Christopher paused and brushed his hair off his forehead. “Papa, what do hobbits buy with their money? More food? More hobbit-holes?”<\/p>\n

“Son, we can talk about this later. Can I continue with the story?”<\/p>\n

“Oh, right, sorry,” he replied. He mimed zipping his lips shut.<\/p>\n

John grinned in response, then pressed on. “Anyway, Bilbo Baggins, now more confident than ever before that luck was on his side, agreed that it was time for him to slip down into Smaug’s lair. When he asked if any of the dwarves would volunteer to come with him, he wasn’t surprised to be met with silence. Well, except for old Balin, who had come to like the hobbit after all this time.”<\/p>\n

“He’s going to get eaten, isn’t it?”<\/p>\n

“No, he’s not.”<\/p>\n

“Why not? Dragons get hungry. Do dragons eat dwarves?”<\/p>\n

“Well….they eat everything, I guess.”<\/p>\n

“Even poop?”<\/p>\n

“Christopher, I swear–”<\/p>\n

“Well, you said everything<\/em>, Papa, I’m just asking.”<\/p>\n

“Who eats poop<\/em>, son? Why would the dragon eat poop???”<\/p>\n

“I don’t know,” he replied, shuffling in his bed. “Maybe it’s full of nutrients.” His father groaned. “Look, maybe roasted poop is a delicacy to Smaug, Papa! How would you<\/em> know?”<\/p>\n

“Because I just know<\/em>, Christopher. Smaug doesn’t poop or pee or anything, the end. Can we? Please?”<\/p>\n

“Sure, sure, sorry.”<\/p>\n

John wrote another note in the margin (DEFINE SMAUG’S EATING HABITS), then turned the page to continue the story. “So, slipping the ring he stole from Gollum onto his finger, bidding goodbye to the dwarves, Bilbo began to walk down into Smaug’s cave. Now, it became increasingly warm as he got closer and closer to where Smaug was sleeping–”<\/p>\n

“Why is Smaug sleeping?”<\/p>\n

“Because he’s tired?”<\/p>\n

“Why would he be tired? What kind of dragon needs to sleep?”<\/p>\n

“Nearly every living creature has to sleep, Christopher.”<\/p>\n

“I don’t.”<\/p>\n

“Yes, you do.”<\/p>\n

“No, I don’t,” he insisted, crossing his arms defiantly. “I only do it to make you happy.”<\/p>\n

John had to laugh at that one. “Well, we’ll see about that. Anyway, Bilbo knew that there was no turning back at this point. In a way, it was like the entire battle was fought right there, at the end of the long tunnel to Smaug’s cave. Knowing that this could end in disaster, he decided to press forward, and the hardest part was suddenly over.”<\/p>\n

“I really like that part.”<\/p>\n

John was taken aback. “Oh, so you finally have a comment that isn’t smart?”<\/p>\n

“Aw, come on, Papa. I’m just having fun. I really do like that! You should keep it in there. When you make it into a book, that is.”<\/p>\n

“I’m not writing any of this down like that, son. I’ve got too many scholarly things to attend to.”<\/p>\n

“Well,” said Christopher smugly, “we’ll see about that<\/em>.”<\/p>\n

“Do you want to hear about the dragon or not?”<\/p>\n

“Oh! Are we actually there? Already???” The child couldn’t hide his excitement.<\/p>\n

“Yes. Smaug was curled up asleep in the giant cave that used to be the dungeon-hall for the ancient dwarves who used to live there. Bilbo was shocked to see that beneath his red-gold scaly body, he lay upon the entire treasure that Thorin had told him about. It was unlike anything he could even conceive<\/em> of, son. There was so much gold that it would have taken the rest of Bilbo’s life just to count it all. And all of that go–”<\/p>\n

“Why would Smaug sleep<\/em> on treasure, Papa? Wouldn’t that be uncomfortable?”<\/p>\n

“That’s not the point, son. The point is that the dragon is so greed–”<\/p>\n

“Does he have a pillow made of gold or something?”<\/p>\n

He balked at his son’s suggestion. “No. No<\/em>. No, how would that be comfortable? A pillow of solid<\/em> gold?”<\/p>\n

“Sure. He’s rich.”<\/p>\n

“But you just said that sleeping on gold was uncomfortable.”<\/p>\n

“I’m not the one who wrote about a dragon sleeping on a pile of treasure.”<\/p>\n

John sighed. “I am not having this argument. Smaug is still asleep when Bilbo sneaks into his cave, made invisible by his ring. Bilbo can see part of the dragon’s pale underbelly, which is crusted with gems and gold from the many days spent resting on top of the dwarves’ treasure. And what a treasure it was, son! There was so much of it that Bilbo couldn’t even look at it all if he spent a year in that cave!”<\/p>\n

“I bet he could.”<\/p>\n

“It’s an exaggeration, son. A hyperbole, if you must. It’s meant to demonstrate the ridiculous amount of treasure.”<\/p>\n

“There you go again, using all your big genius words, Papa.”<\/p>\n

“Who’s telling this story, me or you?”<\/p>\n

“Well, maybe I should tell it!”<\/p>\n

“And then all the characters would have gold pillows or eat flame-broiled poop or travel by hover raft.”<\/p>\n

“Papa, hover rafts don’t exist<\/em> yet. Gosh, I told you that is what I would do if this story was set in the future<\/em>.”<\/p>\n

“Then maybe you <\/em>should write this then,” said John, exasperated.<\/p>\n

“I should! First thing I would do is…I would give Bilbo a car.”<\/p>\n

“No.”<\/p>\n

“Aw, why not? Wouldn’t they get around Middle Earth much faster?”<\/p>\n

“I hate cars!”<\/p>\n

“Ok then,” Christopher conceded. “Imagine this.” He held out his hands as if whatever object he was about to describe was right in front of him. “What if it was a bicycle…but in a car?<\/em> Would that be fine?”<\/p>\n

“Is that your idea? A bicycle in a car?”<\/p>\n

Christopher stroked his chin, much like his father would when he had a particularly difficult thought churning in his head. “I think I’ll have to work on that for a while. Continue, please!” He pulled the covers back up and gave his father a look of quiet resignation, satisfied that he had an idea to work on.<\/p>\n

John took the opportunity to continue. “Bilbo realized that this might be his only chance to prove to the dwarves that he was capable of completing this mission. Being ever so careful to not wake up the mighty dragon, the hobbit crept closer and closer until he was able to snatch up a two-handed cup. He did not hesitate to scamper away from the lair as quickly as possible, and return to the dwarves.”<\/p>\n

“Wait.”<\/p>\n

John didn’t even hide his frustration at this point. “What? What is it this time?<\/em> Should Bilbo have carried the entirety of the treasure in one of his hobbit pockets? Should he have killed the dragon and then the story would just be over? Should he just sacrifice the dwarves and make off with the treasure himself?”<\/p>\n

“No, Papa<\/em>. I was just going to ask if Bilbo ever gets haircuts.”<\/p>\n

“What???<\/em> WHY IS THAT THOUGHT IN YOUR HEAD?”<\/p>\n

“I don’t know, wouldn’t he get all hot and sweaty all the time? Especially when he’s running out of that cave?”<\/p>\n

“Look, I–oh. Well…that’s actually a good point. I hadn’t thought about it.”<\/p>\n

“See, Papa,” Christopher said, a smug smile spreading on his face. “I can totally help you with this book.”<\/p>\n

“I’m not turning this into a book. It’s just for you and your siblings.”<\/p>\n

“Well, you’re certainly not going to if you don’t finish telling me the story.”<\/p>\n

“You’re mighty presumptuous tonight,” John retorted. He picked up where he’d left off. “The dwarves were more than ecstatic to see Bilbo with a single piece of their fortune, passing it amongst one another, touching it, reveling in its very existence. But they had forgotten about Smaug while celebrating their premature victory. Smaug knew of the tiny hole in his cave and knew that he should have sealed it up, and he knew within an instant of waking up that a single piece of treasure. It’s sort of like…it’s sort of like when someone who is rich loses something they never knew they had, and they become furious at the notion that it’s gone.”<\/p>\n

“That’s good. You should keep that in.”<\/p>\n

“Thank you, esteemed editor.” John wrote KEEP THIS in the margin, then continued. “The dwarves and Bilbo panicked when they heard Smaug’s screams and ducked into the cave, but not before hoisting Bofur and Bombur up with them by using their system of ropes.”<\/p>\n

“I thought you said earlier that Bombur was too heavy to be pulled up the mountainside.”<\/p>\n

“Not with twelve other dwarves pulling on the ropes.”<\/p>\n

“That’s not realistic.”<\/p>\n

“Neither is a fire-breathing dragon, Christopher. So Smaug flew around the mountain, scorching everything in sight, hoping to burn the thieves alive. The dwarves’ ponies began to panic and ran off in a desperate attempt to escape the mighty dragon, leaving our heroes alone in the cave.”<\/p>\n

“The ponies are going to die, aren’t they, Papa?”<\/p>\n

“Unfortunately, yes.”<\/p>\n

“That’s mean.”<\/p>\n

“Life isn’t always nice.”<\/p>\n

“But what about the ponies’ feelings?”<\/p>\n

“I–I don’t know, son. They’re ponies. I am not really concerned about the moral implications of killing off some ponies.”<\/p>\n

“You’re a butcher.”<\/p>\n

“I’d appreciate it if you could drop the faux moral crusade.”<\/p>\n

“What if I wrote a story about a hobbit who rides six of you<\/em> to the Lonely Mountain and then six of you<\/em> get chased and eaten by a dragon?”<\/p>\n

“That’s virtually impossible, Christopher.”<\/p>\n

“I thought you didn’t care for realism, Papa.”<\/p>\n

“I find your silence to be fantastical, since it never seems to stick around for very long.”<\/p>\n

Christopher nodded his head in approval, giving his father a shifty look. “Well-played. Continue.”<\/p>\n

John side-eyed his son, but chose to keep telling the story. “The dwarves and Bilbo decided to wait things out, sealed within the mountain, and it wasn’t long until they started to blame Bilbo for the whole mess, since he was the one who decided to steal a mere cup from Smaug’s pile of treasure.”<\/p>\n

“As they should!”<\/p>\n

John ignored that. “Bilbo was quick to point out that he was actually doing as he was supposed to, and that it was wildly unrealistic of the dwarves to think that a lone hobbit could transport a treasure of that size out of a cave even if there wasn’t a dragon.”<\/p>\n

“So how does Bilbo do it?”<\/p>\n

“I’ll get there, son.”<\/p>\n

“But how?”<\/p>\n

“Can I build a moment? Please?”<\/p>\n

Christopher relented. “Bilbo decided to make an offer to the dwarves,” John said, “and said he would go spy on Smaug while the dragon was sleeping to see if there might be a weakness he could discern from him.”<\/p>\n

“I bet the dragon is invincible.”<\/p>\n

“Nothing’s invincible, son.”<\/p>\n

“I bet I could think of something.”<\/p>\n

“I don’t care.”<\/p>\n

“An idea.<\/em>” Christopher looked beside himself with satisfaction.<\/p>\n

“That–that doesn’t even make sense.”<\/p>\n

“You just think about it awhile. Go on. Keep going. What did Bilbo see?”<\/p>\n

Sighing, he obeyed. “Bilbo thought he could sneak into Smaug’s lair undetected, but the dragon could sense that something was in his cave. Smaug possessed a strong sense of smell, and so he spoke up to tell Bilbo that he knew he was there.”<\/p>\n

“The dragon can talk?”<\/p>\n

“Yes, Christopher. The dragon can talk.”<\/p>\n

“Why can’t the ponies talk?”<\/p>\n

John threw his hands into the air. “Who cares about the ponies? Why does it matter to you?”<\/p>\n

“Because I am deeply interested in the logic that goes into world-building, and how the creation of beings that are anthropomorphized relates to our understanding of both the natural world and the social make-up of post-World War I Britain.”<\/p>\n

John stared at his son, shocked into silence.<\/p>\n

“I’m just kidding. I just think talking ponies would be neat, don’t you?”<\/p>\n

John scowled. “I’m serious, no more interruptions. This is an important part! You can’t pay attention if you’re always asking questions. Okay?”<\/p>\n

“Deal.”<\/p>\n

“Bilbo decided that he could not avoid talking to the dragon, so he tried bluffing, assuring Smaug that he was not there to take anything from him. But both parties were much smarter than the other anticipated, and Smaug was impressed with the many riddles that Bilbo related to him.”<\/p>\n

“Didn’t Bilbo use riddles once already?”<\/p>\n

“Well, yes, but in this case, he is telling Smaug who he is in ambiguous terms. See, dragons are drawn to such things?”<\/p>\n

“Why?”<\/p>\n

“It’s just how they are.”<\/p>\n

“Why?”<\/p>\n

“Nope, not falling for that again. Smaug calls Bilbo’s bluff, stating that he knows he is traveling with dwarves because he could smell them on the ponies he ate.”<\/p>\n

“That’s gross, Papa.”<\/p>\n

“Your interruptions are gross, Christopher.”<\/p>\n

“Is that the best you’ve got?”<\/p>\n

“This isn’t a contest. Can’t I just finish one<\/em> goddamn story without an interruption?”<\/p>\n

“Can you? You don’t have<\/em> to stop and answer me when I ask a question.”<\/p>\n

John turned his head to the side, much like a confused dog. “Fine. Then I won’t. Smaug began to tease Bilbo about the dwarves, asking him why he’s doing all the hard work but taking an equal share of the payout?”<\/p>\n

“Is it because he’s a pushover, Papa?”<\/p>\n

“Bilbo fell right into this trap, only momentarily, as he began to realize that Smaug had a point. He was<\/em> doing all of the hard work, yet everyone would be paid the same.”<\/p>\n

“Are the dwarves Communists, Papa?”<\/p>\n

“Smaug continued to harass Bilbo. He asked the hobbit how he would even cart his part of the treasure back to his home, and Bilbo knew, yet again, that the dragon was right.”<\/p>\n

“I told you that they should have brought a car.”<\/p>\n

“But Bilbo did not allow himself to be fooled for quite so long. He insisted that the gold was not the real reason they came; it was for revenge!”<\/p>\n

“Bilbo has nothing to avenge, Papa.”<\/p>\n

“But Smaug laughed at this very notion. No one would be able to get revenge against a creature so heavily protected by a golden and gem-filled skin of scales. He even rolled on to his back to show off his under-covering.”<\/p>\n

“So Smaug’s just like a giant puppy, then. Bilbo should distract him with a game of fetch!”<\/p>\n

“However, Bilbo was able to spy a patch of unprotected scales on the dragon’s left breast and knew that this dragon did indeed have a weak spot.”<\/p>\n

“That’s cheating.”<\/p>\n

“And so the hobbit, renewed by this revelation, made one last barb at the dragon and then began to run back to the dwarves, only narrowly escaping being burnt alive.”<\/p>\n

“Mmm, roast hobbit!”<\/p>\n

“Despite feeling brave at the moment, Bilbo was rather rattled and shaken by the time he returned to the dwarves, so much so that he was unable to speak when he first saw them. But his friends were able to calm him down after a while.”<\/p>\n

“They had a slumber party!”<\/p>\n

“Bilbo did the best he could to relate the tale as detailed as possible, leaving out any details that might make him look bad.”<\/p>\n

“Like the fact that he and Smaug had a hot session of mouth hugging.”<\/p>\n

“CHRISTOPHER. WHAT<\/em>.”<\/p>\n

“I told you that you don’t have to answer me.”<\/p>\n

“Mouth hugging?<\/em> Where did you even learn that phrase?”<\/p>\n

“Just keep going! I really want to know what happens next!”<\/p>\n

“I swear\u00e2\u20ac\u00a6anyway, there’s not much left. I’m sort of at the end of the notes I jotted down. The dwarves and Bilbo try to think of a plan to attack the dragon, but none of them seem safe. At the last minute, Bilbo realizes that Smaug is about to send fire down upon him, and Thorin helps the dwarves shut the door. And just in time as well, as Smaug blasts fire on the outside of the door. They all fled down further into the tunnel as Smaug threatened to go after the men of the Long Lake in retaliation.”<\/p>\n

John closed his notebook and looked at his son. “Papa, is that all you’ve got?”<\/p>\n

“Yes,” he said, barely hiding his frustration. “I haven’t planned much past that.”<\/p>\n

“So does Bilbo kill Smaug?”<\/p>\n

“You’ll have to wait to find out.”<\/p>\n

“Aw, come on. I need to know!”<\/p>\n

“Honestly, you must wait. It’s time for you to go to bed anyway. These reading sessions always take longer than I think they will. I wonder why<\/em>.”<\/p>\n

Christopher laughed heartily. “Oh, come on. You love it. Just a little bit. Admit it!”<\/p>\n

John had to concede that. “I must admit\u00e2\u20ac\u00a6it does help me think of ways to improve the story.”<\/p>\n

“For when you publish it, right?”<\/p>\n

“No, that’s not happening.”<\/p>\n

“As you say, Papa!” He rolled over on his side to face his father. “Thanks for reading to me. I really like this story.”<\/p>\n

“Thanks, son,” John replied, running a hand through Christopher’s hair. “It’ll be a few days before I’m ready to tell the next part, though.”<\/p>\n

“Just promise me one thing.”<\/p>\n

“I’m not going to like this.”<\/p>\n

“You have<\/em> to put talking ponies in the next chapter.”<\/p>\n

“No. Ponies don’t talk.”<\/p>\n

“Goblins aren’t even real<\/em> and they get to speak! How is that fair?”<\/p>\n

“I don’t understand your obsession with ponies. There’s a blasted dragon<\/em> in this book. Don’t you find that exciting?”<\/p>\n

“Maybe as exciting as lice<\/em>, Papa. I’d much rather have a talking pony than a dragon.”<\/p>\n

“You are an odd child.”<\/p>\n

“Love you too, dad.”<\/p>\n

The lights went out and as Christopher drifted to sleep, John couldn’t help but wonder if his story would be better with talking ponies. He eventually decided against it, but he had to admit that a talking pony was a lot better than a smarmy, greedy dragon.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

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