{"id":623,"date":"2011-11-01T06:00:56","date_gmt":"2011-11-01T13:00:56","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/markreads.net\/reviews\/?p=623"},"modified":"2011-10-26T12:37:30","modified_gmt":"2011-10-26T19:37:30","slug":"mark-reads-the-hobbit-chapter-7","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"http:\/\/markreads.net\/reviews\/2011\/11\/mark-reads-the-hobbit-chapter-7\/","title":{"rendered":"Mark Reads &#8216;The Hobbit&#8217;: Chapter 7"},"content":{"rendered":"<p>In the seventh chapter of <em>The Hobbit<\/em>, Bilbo and the group face even more horrors beyond the Misty Mountains. Intrigued? Then it&#8217;s time for Mark to read <em>The Hobbit<\/em>.<\/p>\n<p style=\"text-align: center;\"><strong><!--more-->CHAPTER SEVEN: QUEER LODGINGS<\/strong><\/p>\n<p><span style=\"text-decoration: underline;\"><strong>Bilbo&#8217;s Hate List<\/strong><\/span><\/p>\n<ul>\n<li>Waking up and believing it is time to put the kettle on, but discovering that I am missing out breakfast because a bunch of goddamn dwarves have eaten most of it.<\/li>\n<li>Remembering that I am traveling with dwarves.<\/li>\n<li>Remembering that I am nowhere near home.<\/li>\n<li>Remembering that I cannot eat the following: toast, or bacon.<\/li>\n<li>Remembering that I cannot have a cup of tea.<\/li>\n<li>Flying on eagles. No.<\/li>\n<li>Not having baths.<\/li>\n<li>Gandalf abandoning me. \ud83d\ude41<\/li>\n<li>Gandalf getting mad at me for calling Beorn a furry. Oops, I mean furrier.<\/li>\n<li>Having to travel through Beorn&#8217;s bee-pastures. I am a mere hobbit! I cannot handle a bee sting from such monstrous insects!<\/li>\n<li>Having to meet Beorn before anyone else.<\/li>\n<li>That first meal at Beorn&#8217;s house having to end.<\/li>\n<li>The dwarves deciding to sing in the middle of the night.<\/li>\n<li>Any sounds outside that are not the same sounds as acorns falling.<\/li>\n<li>Waking up to the dwarves having consumed most of breakfast.<\/li>\n<li>Being on an adventure that does not consist of only going from one hobbit-hole to another.<\/li>\n<li>Seeing bears following the group in the forest.<\/li>\n<li>Gandalf <em>actually<\/em>\u00c2\u00a0abandoning me. Why must he leave?<\/li>\n<\/ul>\n<p><span style=\"text-decoration: underline;\"><strong>Thorin&#8217;s Hate List<\/strong><\/span><\/p>\n<ul>\n<li>The mighty Gandalf should not leave my gang of dwarves, because he has provided an invaluable and gallant service to our mighty group.<\/li>\n<li>It is also possible that I know piss-all what to do next. The mighty Thorin Oakenshield can admit this!<\/li>\n<li>Carrying the hobbit. I have not had the chance to carry this meager companion, but I already dread the day!<\/li>\n<li>Must the wizard Gandalf take us to see the most irritable and irascible creature who has ever lived?<\/li>\n<li>I am tiring of the ridiculous antics of this &#8220;Gandalf,&#8221; if that is even his name anymore. We have to come in pairs? Every five minutes? I am thinking that &#8220;Gandalf&#8221; simply enjoys disturbing the dwarf mind.<\/li>\n<li>This Beorn character is a bit much for Thorin Oakenshield. Must he be so angry all of the time?<\/li>\n<li>Surely Gandalf could wait to blow smoke rings until after he tells us where in Bilbo&#8217;s name has Beorn gone, right?<\/li>\n<li>Blasted Beorn, you dare meet with the wargs we so gloriously defeated the day before?<\/li>\n<li>HOW DARE BEORN NOT TRUST US. It&#8217;s not like we didn&#8217;t trust him when we first met him!<\/li>\n<li>Thorin Oakenshield would not tire if he merely remained in Beorn&#8217;s great hall! Why must our journey be so treacherous?<\/li>\n<li>The great Gandalf will rue the day we meet again after he departed from our noble journey! What could possibly be more important than assisting the great Thorin Oakenshield?<\/li>\n<\/ul>\n<p><span style=\"text-decoration: underline;\"><strong>Bombur&#8217;s Hate List<\/strong><\/span><\/p>\n<ul>\n<li>Gandalf called me the fattest. \ud83d\ude41 \ud83d\ude41 \ud83d\ude41<\/li>\n<\/ul>\n<p><span style=\"text-decoration: underline;\"><strong>Beorn&#8217;s Hate List<\/strong><\/span><\/p>\n<ul>\n<li>Who are these creatures at my door?<\/li>\n<li>Why does this wizard expect me to know who he is?<\/li>\n<li>Why should I care about the goblins?<\/li>\n<li>This better be a good story or I&#8217;m eating me some Gandalf and Bilbo for dinner.<\/li>\n<li>Oh, this Gandalf is a goddam liar. He is lying to me.<\/li>\n<li>Oh, great, some fucking dwarves. I could not ask for anything more useless than a bunch of self-important dwarves.<\/li>\n<li>Okay, maybe Thorin isn&#8217;t that bad, but why the hell are these creatures here?<\/li>\n<li>GOD COULD SOMEONE PLEASE JUST FINISH A GODDAMN STORY.<\/li>\n<li>OH. More dwarves. This is what I wanted.<\/li>\n<li>THERE IS NO MORE TERRIBLE OF A STORYTELLER THAN GANDALF.<\/li>\n<li>When I ask the universe to give me what I want, I get more dwarves. I don&#8217;t know what I&#8217;ve done to deserve this.<\/li>\n<li>These dwarves are <em>rude little shits<\/em>. I am trying to get Gandalf to finish this goddamn story and they insist on talking about &#8220;servicing&#8221; me. Who do they think I am?<\/li>\n<li>They had ponies. I am starting to believe this is all a clever ruse to see how far they can go before I roast them all alive.<\/li>\n<li>Did you know I wanted more dwarves? No? Well, I got them!<\/li>\n<li>Who the fuck does Gandalf think he is? TELL ME THIS STORY I NEED TO KNOW HOW IT ENDS. This episodic bullshit has to stop.<\/li>\n<li>How can a wizard not count? Doesn&#8217;t he need to make potions and shit?<\/li>\n<li>If this is a set up for an endless parade of dwarves to enter my house, I&#8217;m going to start murdering without judgment.<\/li>\n<li>Okay, that was actually a good story, and I hate that I enjoyed it so much.<\/li>\n<\/ul>\n<p style=\"text-align: center;\">*<\/p>\n<p style=\"text-align: left;\">I do not normally amend these style of reviews, but SERIOUSLY. BEORN. MY HERO. Holy shit I LOVE THIS CHARACTER FOREVER AND EVER. He&#8217;s just so <em>bitter<\/em>\u00c2\u00a0and <em>angry<\/em>\u00c2\u00a0and <em>impatient<\/em>\u00c2\u00a0and it is a beautiful, beautiful thing. This chapter is HILARIOUS, even if Tolkien didn&#8217;t really intend on that, and I love the structure of it.<\/p>\n<p style=\"text-align: left;\">OH GOD MIRKWOOD FOREST I CAN&#8217;T EVEN DEAL.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"<p>In the seventh chapter of The Hobbit, Bilbo and the group face even more horrors beyond the Misty Mountains. Intrigued? Then it&#8217;s time for Mark to read The Hobbit.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[115],"tags":[118,23,116],"class_list":["post-623","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-the-hobbit","tag-jrr-tolkien","tag-mark-reads","tag-mark-reads-the-hobbit"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"http:\/\/markreads.net\/reviews\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/623","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"http:\/\/markreads.net\/reviews\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"http:\/\/markreads.net\/reviews\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/markreads.net\/reviews\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/markreads.net\/reviews\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=623"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"http:\/\/markreads.net\/reviews\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/623\/revisions"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"http:\/\/markreads.net\/reviews\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=623"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/markreads.net\/reviews\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=623"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/markreads.net\/reviews\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=623"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}<!-- WP Super Cache is installed but broken. 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