{"id":4318,"date":"2017-09-19T05:00:55","date_gmt":"2017-09-19T12:00:55","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/markreads.net\/reviews\/?p=4318"},"modified":"2017-09-17T17:41:50","modified_gmt":"2017-09-18T00:41:50","slug":"mark-reads-not-on-my-patch-part-i","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"http:\/\/markreads.net\/reviews\/2017\/09\/mark-reads-not-on-my-patch-part-i\/","title":{"rendered":"Mark Reads “Not On My Patch”: Part I"},"content":{"rendered":"

In the first part of \u00e2\u20ac\u0153Not On My Patch,\u00e2\u20ac\u009d it\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s time to FIGHT. Intrigued? Then it\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s time for Mark to read Young Wizards<\/i>.<\/p>\n

Oh, I bet y\u00e2\u20ac\u2122all didn\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t expect this story to unlock The Ultimate Discourse about both Halloween and candy, but guess what? This addresses multiple Hills I Will Die On and YOU WILL ALL SUFFER.<\/p>\n

Halloween<\/b><\/p>\n

Oh my god, are these all holiday-themed stories??? Meaning the next one is CHRISTMAS-THEMED??? And Lifeboats<\/i> is about\u00e2\u20ac\u00a6 I don\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t know??? Okay, maybe not, but it\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s not that important because I GET TO YELL ABOUT HALLOWEEN, THE ABSOLUTE BEST HOLIDAY EVER!!! It\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s relevant to the Discworld<\/i> review I posted yesterday because I only got to trick-or-treat maybe two or three times total when I was a kid. I\u00e2\u20ac\u2122m pretty sure we guilt-tripped our parents into putting aside their religious feelings on the holiday so we could participate, but I always resented that I never got to fully experience it. Like, I never found a house that gave out full-size candy bars. Oh god, there was that one year \u00e2\u20ac\u201c and this was in 1990 or 1991, I believe \u00e2\u20ac\u201c where the big rumor was that people were putting razorblades into apples or candy. So that was the year I ate a few pieces the night of Halloween and woke the next morning to discover my mom had thrown it all out because she was convinced we\u00e2\u20ac\u2122d been given tainted candy.<\/p>\n

I\u00e2\u20ac\u2122m bitter don\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t judge me<\/i>.<\/p>\n

So once I was on my own and ever since then, I have loved Halloween with a passion\u00e2\u20ac\u00a6 and probably a little bit of spite. I don\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t always dress up, but I love Halloween parties. Parades. Food. Candy. I love how it all gets mixed up with autumn flavors and spices. I love the spooky decorations. JACK-O-LANTERNS ARE NECESSARY. Haunted houses? SIGN ME UP FOR ALL OF THEM, ESPECIALLY THE ONES THAT ARE WAY TOO TERRIFYING. There used to be one at Great America in San Jose that had a room where the walls were made of arms sticking out of it except SOME WHERE ACTUAL PEOPLE WHO WOULD GRAB YOU yeah I nearly died. It was perfect. PERFECT.<\/p>\n

I hope you can tell how excited I am.<\/p>\n

Candy<\/b><\/p>\n

Let me start off with a caveat: if we are going to have a discussion\/shouting argument about candy (it\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s happening, deal with it), you cannot bring in the winning card of Candy Outside The United States Is Better because I know<\/i>. Trust me. There are a ton of you out there who saw me during my European tour in 2015 who can testify to just how much candy I ate during my time abroad. That is ESPECIALLY the case for when I was in Brussels, Geneva, K\u00c3\u00b6ln, Amsterdam, and I just realized I would have to list every fucking city. Look, it\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s just true. 100%. Our candy is inferior, and I do not doubt that at all.<\/p>\n

THAT BEING SAID, I am willing to throw down on sight over the following candy types being complete and utter trash:<\/p>\n

    \n
  1. Circus peanuts. PLEASE. PLEASE<\/i>. THE WORST.<\/li>\n
  2. Peeps of all forms. They make me believe in God solely because they prove the existence of a being we\u00e2\u20ac\u2122d call Satan since they are that<\/i> evil.<\/li>\n
  3. Candy corn. Sugar is godly but those compressed sugar triangles taste like death and I am not here for them.<\/li>\n
  4. Almost all gummy treats. MY CANDY SHALL NOT JIGGLE. ABOMINATIONS.<\/li>\n
  5. Warheads. I\u00e2\u20ac\u2122m biased because I\u00e2\u20ac\u2122m allergic to them and they made the roof of my mouth peel but CANDY SHOULD NOT BE AN EXERCISE IN PAIN TOLERANCE.<\/li>\n
  6. Salty licorice, which is never given out as candy here in the States but I\u00e2\u20ac\u2122m putting it on this list because Fuck It, I\u00e2\u20ac\u2122m still traumatized from being tricked into eating it.<\/li>\n
  7. Black licorice, though. Yeah, also evil.<\/li>\n
  8. Necco wafers, I HAVE TASTE AND STANDARDS, STOP ASSUMING HUMANS WANT TO EAT SUGARY CARDBOARD.<\/li>\n
  9. Laffy Taffy, what the fuck, the name alone makes me want to perish from this earth.<\/li>\n
  10. Dots. DOTS. My boyfriend loves these so much that he will eat an entire box in one sitting, and if I was not a good, pure person, I would break up with him on the spot the next time he ate them. They feel like superglue for your teeth.<\/li>\n
  11. Boston Baked Beans. If you are not familiar with these and you are asking yourself, \u00e2\u20ac\u0153Why would someone name a candy after a savory side dish?\u00e2\u20ac\u009d, then you are asking the right questions about the world and we should be friends.<\/li>\n<\/ol>\n

    Fight me, cousins. FIGHT ME.<\/p>\n

    https:\/\/youtu.be\/TQ1Xc9vlTug<\/p>\n

    Mark Links Stuff<\/b><\/p>\n

    -\u00c2\u00a0Please visit my new site for all announcements<\/a>. If you’d rather not have to rely on checking a website regularly, sign up for my newsletter instead<\/a>! This will cover all news for Mark Reads, Mark Watches, and my fiction releases.\u00c2\u00a0<\/strong><\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

    In the first part of \u00e2\u20ac\u0153Not On My Patch,\u00e2\u20ac\u009d it\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s time to FIGHT. Intrigued? Then it\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s time for Mark to read Young Wizards.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[534,510],"tags":[513,511,535],"class_list":["post-4318","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-interim-errantry","category-young-wizards","tag-diane-duane","tag-mark-reads-young-wizards","tag-not-on-my-patch"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"http:\/\/markreads.net\/reviews\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/4318","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"http:\/\/markreads.net\/reviews\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"http:\/\/markreads.net\/reviews\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/markreads.net\/reviews\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/markreads.net\/reviews\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=4318"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"http:\/\/markreads.net\/reviews\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/4318\/revisions"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"http:\/\/markreads.net\/reviews\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=4318"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/markreads.net\/reviews\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=4318"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/markreads.net\/reviews\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=4318"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}